wytch's brew

2007

2006-12-28T14:38:00.000+08:00

I am waiting for you. :)

The writing muse is back. It's bubbling in and spilling out. I just need to refine things a bit. Yey!

Friends, please get an lj account and let me know so you can hear about what happened in the last few months. Harassing idiots seem to be abounding and stalking again.

Here's to 2007.

CAMWHORE

2006-10-30T17:10:00.000+08:00

Today I got to fulfill my dream of starring in a film. Granted that it was a short for one of my best buddies thesis projects, I still appreciate the camera time which apparently involved a kissing scene. An especially torrid and passionate kissing scene with the lead star (who was by the way kinda hot and kissed really well. hehe)

Now in my understanding of people's natural voyeuristic tendencies, I expected my friends to of course watch and direct. I did not expect that they would make me to do over and over again. Afterwards while going over the nitty gritty breakdown of the scene everyone else apparently waited for, one of the things that surprised me was that they actually fell for the scene given that we all knew it wasn't real (but then again the chemistry was there and it translated really well on camera too. lol). The credit in part must go over to our male lead who was extremely professional and played the part really well, and who apparently read me well enough to know that I would follow his lead when the big scene came.

Thanks a lot R. It was really fun. Thanks for being my great movie experience.

I ALWAYS SAW MYSELF AS SOMEONE BLUE...

2006-04-10T14:19:00.000+08:00

Your true color is Red!

What's Your True Color?

Brought to you by Tickle

SIGE NA NGA

2006-04-03T18:27:00.000+08:00

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to my jologs moment...

The other night I watched the special on Claudine and Raymart's wedding.

And I felt totally envious of her. Not because she had a big extravagant wedding ( although having a nicely done wedding should be an aim!).

Because she married a man who seems to be totally in love with her and who seems to be thrilled beyond words that they are going to be spending the rest of their lives together.

I want someone like that when I get married. Someone who will cry tears of joy when they see me walking (and not running away from them!) down the aisle. Someone who will be overjoyed at knowing that I chose to spend the rest of my life with them. Someone who will be thrilled with the idea of growing old with me.

Sa aking magiging asawa, sana naiisip mo din ang mga naiisip ko... at nararamdaman mo ang aking labis na pagmamahal sa iyo.

Mahal kita.

OMG

2006-03-31T19:07:00.000+08:00

CONGRATUALTIONS GAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My bestest-partner-in-crime is engaged.

Come and hyperventilate with me. Omigawdomigawdomigawdomigawdomigawdomigawd.

Am I the last manyak girl standing? Ashet nakakapressure na ito a...

Gags, I am behind you every step of the way. Kung san ka masaya suporthan ta ka. ü

****
Sometimes these things are just so scary... ü

You are a persistent flirt

You know that eventually with patience, your girl/guy will cave to your charms. All you have to do is be as available as possible until that day comes. You are very smart because you’ve already learned that you can have anything with just a little persistence.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! TAMA BA ITO BOSS?!?!?!?!?!?!

Ok now back to your regularly scheduled insanities.

IT'S CONFIRMED...

2006-03-20T19:01:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday, I was married.

For all of two minutes. (Future husband, please forgive me for announcing what has yet to happen, it was truly necesssary because I am truly magnetic to weirdos and freaks. Ladies working in the ortigas area read up and be warned)...

Last Saturday as I left work at around 6:30 or thereabouts I was accosted by an old, fat, ugly foreigner. As I was crossing the street in front of Emerald, he turned around and said hi and I, in my unassuming mind just thought that he mistook me for someone else. So I smiled. BIG MISTAKE!!! He told me I was very pretty and then asked me what my name was. He said his name was BOB. He then asked if I was single and I immediately confirmed that he was trying to pick me up so I said I was married. He then asked me if I was happily married and I said yes, very much so (O ayan future husband, hindi pa tayo kasal, masaya na ako sa iyo ha!) He then said that he had a Filipina gf who, like him was very open and they were looking for another couple/individual to explore things with. He asked if my husband would be open to do that and I said a big and resounding NO. (Future husband, masaya at contento na ako na tayong dalawa lang talaga!!! I certainly don't feel the need to explore and I hope you feel the same way. ) He then said ok and went on his own way back to Emerald as I crossed Ortigas Park.

WATDPAKENSGHET?!?!?!?!?!?

Mukha ba akong pang group sex?!?!?! mygawd naman talaga e. and that day I was wearing a long skirt and a blazer over my blouse. Kakatakot na talaga mag commute. Grabe nowhere is safe anymore.

So ladies working on Emerald, please be careful because that strange, perverted guy might just be hovering around looking for women who he can trap.

**Just a note, I am not opposed to threesomes or group sex. If you want to do it then fine, it's another to walk up to a complete stranger and throw an invitation.

A QUEST

2006-03-15T18:52:00.000+08:00

I'm on a new mission... I am looking for a decent pair of "harlot" shoes. They've got to be black, sexy and attention grabbing on their own. If you've seen any do let me know please. I need them for a very special occasion this year :)

SOME KIND OF PROGRESS

2006-03-14T16:35:00.000+08:00

Today at work I received news that our department needed restructuring and that task assignments would be changed. So today aside from editing resumes and other materials, I have learned that I will have to add on transcript verification, test administration and test creation and revision. Aside from that there's the manual labor of six months worth of various papers to be stuck into proper folders in five million filing cabinets by the 1st of April.

Saturdays will now be mandatorily 8-5... (ohno!ohno!ohno!ohno!ohno!)

Homaygoodgawd. I suddenly felt the arrival of yet another stress induced headache. (Boss I NEED my smelly beads asap...)

Yes, it's a sorta promotion. I just wish they promoted my salary too...

JUST BECAUSE AKA HORMONES AGAIN...

2006-03-07T17:11:00.000+08:00

Sometimes there are hurts that shatter the heart and pierce the soul and although you think that they've healed, sometimes they will twinge and you remember the pain as though it was just yesterday that you first began to hurt.

Boss seems baffled that a soul could feel like hurting but I guess some people are just lucky enough to not have experienced such pain. I envy him.

I miss being comforted. I miss feeling safe. I miss just being being with someone. I miss you Boss.

My hormones must be screwing me really bad right now...

Wala lang. Malungkot lang ako ngayon e. I can't bear listen to the music my officemates are playing because they seem to be choosing songs that first started playing at difficult times in my life... The only thing that's helping me right now is to listen to cd's of chillout music (thanks hun).

****
Because it seems to fit right now.

Sonnet XVII
Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were the salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or
pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

****
I wish I knew how to quit you...

THE BOSS AND I

2006-03-02T14:48:00.000+08:00

One of the nice things about the roller coaster of life is that even though there are times when you feel like just jumping off, there will always be people next to you who hold your hand until you're ok again.

Sometimes you know t h e m right from the beginning but for others, the friendship kinda needs a little time to stew before you discover just how much you mean to each other.

Recently, I've been given the opportunity to taste test one of these. I'm not sure exactly why we never opted to explore the friendship before. I guess we just weren't meant to be close then. However time and circumstance have given us another shot at being better friends and so far...(I'm having trouble coming up with a description because I've never had something like this before!) its's been unbelievable.

I'm SO looking forward to everything else Boss. Here's to our mushroom friendship ü.

GO FOR IT!

2006-02-27T18:35:00.000+08:00

**To protect the identity of the individuals, no names were used in this post.**

Last weekend, one of the dearest people to my heart up and fessed up that (AT LAST! *insert happy dance here*Ü) she’d gotten a major crush on someone. However like all beginnings of great love stories, was agonizing over it because she wasn’t sure if her crush liked her back. I can only watch encouragingly from the sidelines as their story unfolds but I am so hoping that HE’LL BE WORTH IT for her!

I sent her an sms telling her how thrilled I was about all of the new things happening in her life and just shot in what one of my other bestest friends told me that about younger men to which she replied:

*lol* You crack me up! I love you for saying that and for being happy for meü and you KNOW i mean that. I just hope he likes me back…
26-Feb
8:44PM

And my comeback of course told her that if he didn’t like her back, he wasn’t worth it and that only someone totally DEAD wouldn’t like her back. She sent this back:

I SOOO love you for saying that!!!*hugs* üüü
26-Feb
8:56PM

And I finished off our wonderful exchange of praising each other (because we are so rarely this narcissistic!) that with friendship aside, she really is a wonderful person, and I’m not saying JUST because she is my friend. And this is what she said:

Awwww, you’re the bestest friend a girl can ever have talaga! ü
26-Feb
10:04PM

Because I cannot actively be involved in their developing ~~love~~ story, I offer up some words of wisdom in the hopes that some of them may help give enlightenment:

There are two common ideas on men and for the most part it holds true: The older ones are more stable but the younger ones are TRAINABLE.

Flirting is a hard art to learn. Men are an EXTREMELY fickle lot. There is no one single way to make them fall for a girl. It is basically half strategy and the other half winging it and praying that you make the right call. And you must find your own style. Listen and learn from others and find a combination that you feel comfortable using. The best flirt is the one who does not make flirting obvious.

Sexiness is 95% projection and only 5% actual body.

Proximity and propinquity count. Make yourself a constant in his life, even if you don’t see each other everyday, make him FEEL you. It only takes a minute to text someone and even just one text can work wonders ü

Sweetheart,

I’m so happy and thrilled that someone has caught your eye again. I stand by what I told you. Only someone DEAD wouldn’t like you back. I love you and I’m keeping my fingers crossed ü

GO FOR IT!!!

I WILL NEVER REGRET KNOWING YOU BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO SHORT

2006-02-18T17:45:00.000+08:00

My friend was buried today. Cremated actually if you want to get technical. But either way you look at it, today we take the shell that was his body and give him back to the earth.

We will never really fully know what happened that night. How something as routine as going home could lead to something so tragic. And how some people can be so depraved as to repeatedly just stab someone and leave him to bleed out and die. But to the people who found him and tried to help, from the deepest portions of our hearts and souls, we thank you for trying. There will be many questions that will never be answered, but I hope that in time, the ache that we all feel for what happened will dissipate because Cliff deserves nothing more than to be remembered with utmost joy and pride and smiles because of who he was.

Exactly one week ago, he sent me and all the other people on his text list this last forwarded message:

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets... So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. Know a good thing when you see it, and don't let it slip away... If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it... Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it."

And this is by how I will always remember you Cliff.

Until we see each other again, I know that there will be one more angel in heaven who looks down on us with smiles and with love.

Goodbye friend.

I WISH I TOLD YOU THEN HOW MUCH I APPRECIATED YOU

2006-02-14T19:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I lost a friend. We were not extremely close when we worked together and drifted more apart when we weren't officemates anymore.

But despite that, he used to still send me a lot of quotes on text and tons of forwards on email that I more often than not just read through and hardly ever replied to.

I won't be getting them anymore.

I can only imagine what happened in those moments but I pray and hope that in that moment of your realization, you found peace.

I'm sorry we didn't get the chance to know each other better even though you tried to stay in touch. I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend and now I won't get the chance to tell you that. I will miss the things that you did as habit, that I never truly appreciated when you were here, doing them.

I may not have told you then, but I want the whole world to know just how wonderful you were to everyone and how much I appreciated the things that you did, and just how much I really enjoyed them.

Thank you Cliff, for bringing a little bit of sunshine and joy into my life. I'm going to miss you.

I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN...

2006-02-13T15:14:00.000+08:00

is what I'd really like to say but unfortunately the truth of the matter is the opposite. I wish I knew what to do to make the feeling go away. Really, I do. Because I know now and see the allure of being cold and unfeeling and all those emotions I have not yet really explored.

If I had known then what I know now... ah well. Hindsight is always 20/20 as a friend of mine is inclined to say.

I confused you and you sure as hell led me in circles and then some.

Well a girl can only take so much my dearest schmuck. Here's to the end of the line for us. I refuse to give you the chance to tear me up inside. Well, to tear more than what you're entitled to that is.

The finish line.

Cheers.

Apparently being a good girl never works for me. Sigh.

VALENTINE-SCHMALENTINE

2006-02-11T18:10:00.000+08:00

I Don't Know How to Love Him

I don't know how to love him,
What to do, how to move him.
I've been changed, yes, really changed.
In these past few days when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else.

I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me.
He's a man, he's just a man.
And I've had so many men before
In very many ways:
He's just one more

Should I bring him down? Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love - let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this -
What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so.

I never thought I'd come to this -
What's it all about

Yet, if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened.
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope.
I'd turn my head, I'd back away,
I wouldn't want to know -
He scares me so.

I want him so.
I love him so.

****
If you press me to say why I loved him,
I can say no more than it was because:
he was he, and I was I.

Montaigne

****
I know you know who you are...

TODAY IS A SPECIAL DAY

2006-02-08T19:43:00.000+08:00

Because my little boy (and he is because he says he isn't a baby anymore) turned four. He's growing up so fast, it is sometimes scary how perceptive he is of the things around him and how deep his questioning and reasoning is already.

In the last few months I have seen so many changes in him from his independence in the things he wants to wear to accomplishing activities by himself to choosing the things he wants to do at home. I know that every day with him is a day to cherish because if I don't I know that one day I will wake up and he won't even be my little boy anymore. As it is he already has a crush at school (ohmylordy!) and he is beginning to ask questions like "Who's my daddy? Did my daddy die? Why doesn't he see me?" (totally heartbreaking to answer but answer it I did, because I must), as well as comments at church like "Look at the bald man, he has NO HAIR!" Cringe in total embarassment while trying to stifle the giggles.

Motherhood has not turned out the way I expected it to.

It's so much more than I ever imagined it to be. And I swear to enjoy every minute of it.

BECAUSE I'M A PROUD SCORPIO

2005-11-03T02:23:00.000+08:00

Scorpio - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

You're red hot passion makes anyone you date feel extremely wanted
Loyalty, to the point of doing anything to protect your lover
You are mysterious and charismatic - and you easily draw people in

Your negative traits:

You tend to be paranoid and think that the worst is going on with your lover
You turn cold and mean at the first sign of conflict in relationship
You sometimes become obsessed with dates - so much so that you develop jealousy early on

Your ideal partner:

Someone who will take the time to win you over. Not an easy task!
Is able to keep up with your carnal appetite... lots of stamina needed.
Reassures you of their love and loyalty on a daily basis.

Your dating style:

Intense. You prefer to stay in with take out and conversation - so that no one else is distracting you and your date.

Your seduction style:

Hot. New partners have trouble believing that your libido is for real.
You have incredible sexual intuition - you always know what your lover craves
A bit bossy. You know what you want, and you certainly aren't afraid to ask for it.

Tips for the future:

Don't be so secretive with your love - they want you the way you are
Let go of your jealousy. Your partner has chosen *you*
Spend more time alone, doing things you love. It will help you be less obsessive

Best color to attract mate: Dark red

Best day for a date: Tuesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

Paging lovers, ex-lovers, fubbies, ex bf's and other what have you's: Whadyathink? Am I or am I not?

AKO AY ISANG SKOLAR NG BAYAN

2005-10-28T04:05:00.000+08:00

.:. ANO'NG STUDENT NUMBER MO? 97-**965
.:. NAKAPASA KA BA OR WAITLISTED? I got in.
.:. PAANO MO NALAMAN ANG ENTRANCE EXAM RESULT? My classmate from high school called me the night it came out.
.:. FIRST CHOICE MO BA ANG UP? Yes. Ateneo was just my back-up school.
.:. ALAM MO BA ANG UPG SCORE MO? They don’t give it if you pass.
.:. ANO ANG FIRST CHOICE MO NA COURSE? FLCD
.:. SECOND CHOICE? European languages
.:. ANO NAGING COURSE MO? FLCD with minors in French and Psychology
.:. NAGPLANO KA BANG MAG-SHIFT? Not really
.:. NAKAPAG-DORM KA NA BA? Nope because I’ve lived in QC all my life and I knew that UP had a HUGE water problem.
.:. NAKA UNO KA NA BA? Yes, of course!
.:. NAGKA-3? Whaddayathink? Of course I did. hahahaha
.:. HIGHEST GRADE: 1.0 in PE…hahahahah
.:. LOWEST: 3 in various subjects though none in any majors
.:. WORST EXPERIENCE SA UP: Summer enrollment for chem. 16 and socio 11 class with that super windang teacher. Grabe talaga yun!
.:. LAGI KA BANG PUMAPASOK SA KLASE? Depends on the class
.:. ANO'NG ORG MO? UP Corps of Sponsors, UPCYM and FLCD Circle
.:. MAY SCHOLARSHIP KA BA? Wala. My average wasn't that great.
.:. PINANGARAP MO BANG MAG-CUM LAUDE? Nung una oo, nung huli hindi na!
.:. KELAN KA NAGTAPOS? 2001
.:. FAVE PROFS: Charlene Fernandez for comm. 1, our wonderful philo 1 teacher Ma’m Len
Mariano the summa grad, Grace Jamon of socsci and polsci class, Sir Jobart of the psych dept, Prof Maita Ventanilla for French class and most of the teachers from our dept.
.:. WORST TEACHERS: Mrs. Santos of our math 11 class. She totally SUCKED big time. Prof Maliksi of Soc Sci 1 who graded us based on the size of our legs, that tiny teacher for socio 11 who could not make us understand anything (the highest grade anyone got was a 2.25 everyone else got 2.75’s and 3’s), my scatterbrained teacher for 197 and 199 who shall remain nameless and teacher babsi of the sped dept na special child hanggang ngayon
.:. FAVE SUBJECTS: polsci 11, cw150, psych 145, French 12-13, flcd 137, flcd 175 – HMH rocks!
.:. WORST SUBJECTS: math 11, chem. 16, socio 11 and Italian 10
.:. FAVE LANDMARKS: acad oval and ampitheater
.:. BUILDING: ang gusali na condemned building na ngayon
.:. PABORITONG KAINAN: mang jimmy’s, SR thai, a venetto and the manyaks gurls houses
.:. NOONG ESTUDYANTE KA PA MAGKANO BA ANG BINABAYAD MO SA JEEP? i think P2.75 ang ikot nung freshie ako, 4 na ata when I graduated
.:. LAGI KA BA SA LIB? Before I discovered the gurls and had zero social life, sadly yes
.:. NAGPUNTA KA BA SA CLINIC NUNG MINSANG NAGKASAKIT KA? nope. never
.:. MAY CRUSH KA BA SA CAMPUS? Of course. Madami. hahahaha
.:. BF/GF? yes
.:. MAY BALAK KA BA MAG-MASTERS O MAG-PHD? I’m 3 subjects away from getting my MA in SPED
.:. ANU-ANO ANG MGA NAGING PE MO? cheerleading, archery, ballet and self-defense
.:. KAMUSTA NAMAN ANG BLOCK NYO? I was in an all girl block. Magaganda kaming lahat. ü
.:. NAKAPANOOD KA NA BA NG GRADUATION SA UP? Yup when I was in UPCOS we ushered during grad and I went to both ceremonies for my grad
.:. MEMORIZE MO BA ANG ALMA MATER SONG? I went to UPIS for high school. Go figure.
.:. MEMBER KA BA NG UP VARSITY TEAM? Of course not
.:. NAKA-PERFECT KA NA BA NG EXAM? No, because we never could perfect cheating in class. heheheh
.:. ANO'NG AYAW MO SA FINALS WEEK? Departmental exams. I prefer take home ones. Less brain drain.
.:. DITO KA BA NATUTONG UMINOM NG BEER? Nope I learned to drink beer only after I graduated. I used to be a hard drinks only kinda girl.
.:. ANO'NG GUSTO MO SA UP? Cheap food, cheap tuition, no dress code, cool teachers, the ambiance of campus and the fact that we could do and say anything and no one would give a sh*t
.:. ANO'NG AYAW MO? Ang konti ng boyfriend material, enrollment is hard and having classes in the far off buildings like Comm 1 in NCPAG and CD11 at CSWCD
.:. MAGANDA BA ID PIC MO? Of course. I had one made for every year that I was in school. I was that vain.
.:. MAY GINAWA KA NA BANG ILLEGAL SA LOOB NG CAMPUS? In the HMH and in a teacher’s office sa FC. HAHAHAHAH. Tama nga na Mael ang nickname ko nung college. Lols ü

****

Your Pimp Name Is...

Scandalous Love

What's Your Pimp Name?

Ang galing nito! Nakakaaliw as in! My gurlfrends again would say yeah, that hit it right!

TODAY IS AN ANNIVERSARY

2005-10-17T05:53:00.000+08:00

♥♥♥6 years.♥♥♥

My Hugabear and I are counting 6 Christmases this year.

Yeah baby, yeah.

Funny how fast time flies.

He says that I've outlasted all his girlfriends. He's outlasted all my serious and fling relationships combined. Yup hun, we are enduring.

I can think of no better explanation or greater testimony to what we have, than to give you back the things you once told me.

You will always, always occupy a special place in my heart, no matter what, across time. And I mean every word. As mushy as it may sound, you are very important to me.

Because I love you more. ü Eversince. ü

Your-one-and-only Hugabear.

CAN ANYONE SAY TIME-SPACE-WARP?

2005-10-13T05:29:00.000+08:00

It's happened.

We're on for coffee. WOOHOOO!

Happy-happy-joy-joy. Let me bounce around like a demented bunny for a while. Heh.

Sis chEr, usap tayo soon. I'm still so kilig!

****
Friendship's party was a blast!

I have never in the history of all gimmicks and parties that I've attended, made such a dramatic entrance as I did during Steph's party. Upon seeing me friendship emited such a shriek (was it a shriek? it sounded more like air raid sirens :) that made everyone - and I mean everyone at the party stop and stare at me while I froze there transfixed in both shock and embarassment.

Friendship, I'm still flattered that I caused such a reaction. None of my dates or friends have ever reacted quite that way. Some have been rendered speechless, others have had their mouths hung open in shock, but no one and I mean NO ONE, has ever shrieked with pure unadulturated joy just from seeing me. Na-touch ako at lalo kita namiss.

The food was unbelieveable and the people were fun. I couldn't stop eating the whole night and went back for plate after (FULL) plate of food, making Kathy's husband just stare at me in shock and then turn baffledly to his wife and say "Ang sarap nya kumain no?". Yes, I'm fun to take to a buffet. :)

****
This just cracked me up. I'm sure my bestfrends would say it hit it on the dot. Lols. Whatchathink girlies?

What Your Underwear Says About You

When you're bad, you're very bad. And when you're good, you're still trouble!

You're a closet exhibitionist who gets a thrill from being secretly naughty.

The Underwear Oracle

OH C!!!!

2005-09-30T06:24:00.000+08:00

Oh dear me. I'm getting giddy. I am.

♥♥♥ C, I WANT WANT WANT you! ♥♥♥

Really.

You're my new inspiration. And the lovely thing is, you have no clue...

****
N and I are planning to go to Bora next year. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd help one of my really good friends (uy mag blush ka naman pag nabasa mo ito ha!) learn how to score with girls. Hahaha. This is gonna be so exciting if it pushes through. I get to flirt, he gets to flirt and it's all gonna be good Ü

****
Hun, I will look for a fubby for you. Ganun kita kamahal.

Girls out there,

I have one cute and hunky dateable looking for girls to date. He's single, smart (talaga as in super smart), funny, fun to be with, plays in a band and oh did I mention that he's really cute too?

Interested parties may email me at wytchgurl@gmail.com with a picture and a short description of yourselves. Please make sure you are at least 18 years of age, pretty, sexy, smart, willing to hang out and have a good time without having illusions of grandeur. He just wants to date, he's not hunting for a significant other.

Bitches, psychos and playgirls need not apply. I love this guy.

****
You're turn hunny.

1 MORE AND I SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST OF IT

2005-09-28T06:03:00.000+08:00

My boss (god bless his fickle soul), has asked me to stay on for one more month doing nights.

OH MY GOD.

It's not like I could say no (hello, who can say no to the company president anyway?) though I did stipulate that I would be teaching preschoolers for 4 hours everyday next semester so I would not be able to do nights starting November and he needs to take my medical condition under consideration as well. But oh was his offer to let me use the review software for free, if I stayed on nights really tempting. But then again, even if I used the software I would need someone to check on me and see if I was understanding the lesson properly even if it's a program that will show you what to do. I'm insecure with my math skills and seeing my old high school math teachers the other day didn't help. They just brought back the horrid memories of me almost flunking math. Ack.

Sabi naman ni Trins, di ko naman talaga kailangan kumuha ng praxis e. But then again plus pretty points if I pass it. It's just that my mind hasn't conditioned itself to accepting the fact that I have to take it. Maybe next summer...

****
I've rediscovered friendster. Lols. Ang dami bigla nag-aaya lumabas. Katakot e.

****
Friendship, malapit na ang birthday mo. Yihee. Anything you want in particular? I'm so excited to see you! I have so much kuwento!!! I hope you've invited cute friends over. Sayang naman yung pictures kung walang eye-candy! Hahahaha.

****
Sis chEr, he hasn't checked his friendster for 3 weeks. Waaahhh. I WANT him! Hahahaha. Nakakabaliw talaga ito e...

****
September is almost ending (thank you God!). For all my friends who are panicking about late periods and there are quite a few of you already (ano ba ito? it's the season ba mga lukaret?! eto ba ang epekto ng septembre madaming natatanga?! lols) Take a test. For all our peace of minds, and just to be sure have an ultrasound done as well. Just so all bases are covered. I'm sure we'd all rather have a happy ber-ber season.

SEPTEMBER STORMS

2005-09-24T02:05:00.000+08:00

Is it just me or this month more horrible than the last few months? It feels like this month hasn't brought anything but bad luck, bad news, gloom-doom and just general unhappiness. It just keeps on coming and coming and coming.

Parang awa niyo na. Tama na.

F*ckitall. When will it all stop? I want my life back.

****
I've reached the end of the line. I'm sure most of my close friends will want to start doing cartwheels and handstands at the news.

"You cannot let go of a person as long as you love him. The only moment when letting go possible is when you stop loving that person. That initiative has to come from you and no one else. You hold the key to your own misery or the chance of being happy again. "

I guess it's over then. I WANT to be happy again. I WANT to not feel like this anymore.

Tigilan na natin ito. Masyado matagal na tayong naglolokohan.

Like I've been telling Düde, it feels like something snapped inside. I guess now I really know.

It did.

And it did so by itself. It did that even before I found anything out. Unlike before that it was provoked by another incident.

****
"I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home thinking that we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow"

I would have preferred that you had broken my heart quickly, like so many others had done. It was extremely stupid of me to let it go on so long. I cannot understand what impaired my judgement for so long...

Ngayon ko lang naisip ng maayos at naintindihan na ang tagal ko na ding palang naging tanga...

Hindi ko na kailangan pang banggitin kung sino ka. Alam kong alam mo na ikaw ang tinutukoy ko.

AND THIS ONE GOES OUT TO MY SIS chEr

2005-09-23T05:10:00.000+08:00

This is what we need to find sis:

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot. Who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Someone who won't be afraid to say "I love you" even when he will look silly.... and do silly things with you just for the heck of it. Someone who respects you, your friends and your family. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, .... "that's her".

Special thanks to Iyay's friendster blog from where I stole this...

****
I WANT that Greg Behrendt book.

Maybe after I finish reading "He's Just Not That Into You" I'll be able to stop "wasting the pretty". Di ba friendship? ü

****
Sis chEr. I ♥ him. I do. I really do. Lols. He's my ultimate crushee. Whenever I think of him, I feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I get this goofy smile on my face ü. God, I hope he never finds this blog. Crushee is our pet name for each other so he'll know it's him. Hahahahaha. He still has my passion up to now. I miss that.

My god, sana tapos na yung torpe phase nya...

ESPECIALLY FOR MY FRIENDSHIP

2005-09-23T02:58:00.000+08:00

I didn't leave you for another man.

I left you for another woman-

the one that I couldn't be while I was with you.

Ellen Hansen

WHERE'S THE FINISH LINE?

2005-09-22T03:53:00.000+08:00

I've had a lot of things happening lately that I haven't really had the strength or inclination to talk about. Suffice to say that changes have been happening all around and more are soon to come. I've always been resistant to change. I like the comfort of security. I always have. Heck, I only got rid of my childhood blankie when I was in college. That's how resistant I am to change. However there are some instances that no matter how much you try and fight it, changes will have to be done.

I'm just feeling so drained already. I feel like humpty dumpty - had a great fall and all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty dumpty together again. Crap.

Whenever I feel this crappy I try to keep myself unattached - not let all of it seep in to fast for fear of having a nervous breakdown. Seperate yourself from the situation and float awhile - which some people mistakenly see as not caring. It's not that I don't care. On the contrary I care TOO MUCH. So there.

A plethora of crossroads. So many to choose from. But I've learned that the only real choice is the one that feels the most right. I refuse to do things to make other people happy or proud. I now resolve to do things because they are the best things for me to do and because I feel right about doing them. I refuse to bend to dictates and pressure because other people feel the rather insane need to make more sense out of my life.

It makes sense to me. And I'm sure it makes sense to him.

E sa ganito ang gusto ni God na mangyari sa buhay ko e. Bakit ba kailangan kontrahin? Sigurado naman akong may plano siya.

Let me live my life the way it's meant to be lived. After all there are a lot of things that are worse off than what happened. So leave me be.

Leave me be.

BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP TAGGED ME...

2005-09-20T22:03:00.000+08:00

Three random facts that you don't know about me yet:

1. I love walking. (Seriously, I like the silence of the walk. It helps me sort things out).

2. I'm resistant to being dictated to. The more you push me, the more I resist. I'm passive-aggressive that way.

3. I come from an extremely interesting but also severely dysfunctional family. All unhappy families are alike. Each has its own special and distinct dysfunctionality...

Tagging Soülsissy, chEr and Düde.

PROBABLY, BUT MOST LIKELY NOT

2005-08-31T04:18:00.000+08:00

Since I've gotten my hair curled I seem to be more hormonally short-tempered than usual. I'm not sure if it's because of the hair or maybe because I've realized that things won't change unless I start to actively do something about it. Siguro naman walang kinalaman ang pagpapakulot ko sa pagiging mataray ko na ngayon. However...

Case #1: Screaming at the people from globe because they cut my line after I had paid for it. Aba, e ang tanga naman talaga kasi nila at 1 week din ko naman tiniis na wala akong makausap sa bahay habang may sakit ako...

Case#2: Changing work stations at the office and having to train a bitch. See if they really thought about it, it really baffled me why they had to transfer two girls who work nights into an office that has no bathroom when there are contruction workers in the office in front of us who work the same time we do. Aside from the fact that their smoke permeates and penetrates into that office, I in particular felt that it was a horrid act of STUPIDITY on the part of the people who thought of where to place us, to have ourselves parade around half the time just walking from one office to another just to use the bathroom. Duh as in mega duh. Friendship, you know how much my bladder can hold so go figure... And then my boss decides to not hire any new blood to take over the marketing and just use one of our provincial staffers who shall remain nameless because she just annoys me so much by her attitude. I asked how good her English skills were and my boss says, she's probably one of the best. Right. As if. Try and top my exam score first bitch and then we'll see. She may have the accent but if her grammar sucks then I can't work with her. At least I get to be her boss. Maybe she'll even be able to change that attitude that a lot of people complain about, I mean she can't mess with me, I'm gonna be her BOSS!

Case#3: Telling my sister off. Now this one felt good. Very, very, very good. Almost my whole life, my sister has played such a domineering role. Not anymore.

****
I was down with the flu the whole week last week and this funny exchange happened between me and my cousin "THE DOCTOR" who came over to check on me and to bring me medicine because as I explained I kept falling down when I stood.

"THE DOCTOR": How long have you been sick?
ME: Since monday afternoon. Headache, achy bones, dizziness, fainting...
"THE DOCTOR": (while looking at I don't know what under my eyes) Hmmm is it that time of the month? It looks like you're hypo anaemic. But you shouldn't be fainting.
ME: Maybe it's the change in altitude?
"THE DOCTOR": HAHAHAHAH. We're at sea level!
ME: I meant from lying down all day to standing. Bwisit ka talaga.
"THE DOCTOR": HAHAHAHA. Well that could be. Any other complaints?
ME: Just the indigestion. I can't seem to digest food anymore.
"THE DOCTOR": Are you stressed?
ME: (mumblingly) Yes. My sister stresses me.
"THE DOCTOR": HAHAHAHAH. That is obvious.

Thank you cousin for the lovely norgesic tablets. They were the best. ü

I had follow up blood tests done and results should be in tomorrow. If it does show extreme anaemia I have leverage to force my boss to get me back on the day team. Oh joy.ü

****
The visa cap was hit as of two weeks ago. Crap. It means I'll get to leave next October. Sigh. Well, at least my friends and I have more time to prepare and get used to the idea of being apart. Di ba Soülsissy, Gags and Friendship? O, ayan ha may extension pa tayo. Sulitin na natin.

****
And finally a short presentation on my son's precociousness and utter disregard for subtlety.

Isang araw habang si Tyger at ang yaya niya ay nasa grocery...

ALE: Ay ang guwapo namang bata.
TYGER: Talaga! Guwapo ako!

Trinagürl and I had the same reaction. We both heard eerie echoes of his father in that statement. Somehow the genes will start manifesting themselves, even if my son and his sperm donor are apart. Hay.

CURLY CUES

2005-08-19T03:44:00.000+08:00

Ever since I started exercising, I don't seem to need to eat as much. Aside from the fact that I love the time it gives me to just let my mind roam and just be, I don't seem to feel as fatigued and I can concetrate more at work. On the days that I actually do have something that requires brain power that is.

I love being back on campus and just watching the college kids go around. It makes me feel nostalgic and sentimental. Again, the sights and the smells bring back the good old days.

****
My grandmother decided to treat me to a salon day. So I got my hair curled. I now have ringlets on instead of that semi-straight-wavy do that my hair used to be.

Wala lang. Kinikilig lang ako sa tuwa. Ang babaw ng kaligayahan ko. Di ba hun? Lols. ü

I can't wait to road test the hair tomorrow at Düde's party.

Belated HAPPY BIRTHDAY Düde.

****
First compliment on the HAIR:

August 18, 2005
5:05PM
Hunny: I bet u luk gud. ü

****
Kittyflip: gags pagaling ka na! sonya's na tayo!!!!! namimiss na kita!
Friendship: ikaw din! namimiss na kita! don't be a mushroom. you might drown in work. lols ü
Soülsissy: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY lokah! let's go watch the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants soon. So we can feel mushy together. Let's make it a mom's day out na din. ü So we can have a wonderful de-stressing gripe out session. hahaha.

****
Everyone seems to be so busy now. I'm torn between being happy for them and being sorry for myself that I have so much free time on my hands. The passage of time is all the more noticeable when you aren't doing anything and have an excessive amount of time on your hands.

SHAMELESS PLUG

2005-08-10T21:51:00.000+08:00

This happens only once in a lifetime so here goes nothing.

Are you interested in expanding your horizons and finding ways to make your dream come true? Our company is offering a great opportunity for all professionals with at least a bachelor's degree to have an EQUAL opportunity to go to the US.

To find out more visit us here.

HEY, HEY THE WYTCHGURL ISN'T DEAD!

2005-08-09T22:05:00.000+08:00

I am back from the unintentional hiatus from blogging. My net ad, once again, deemed it fit to act his usual high and mighty self. Anyway, I hope he and I have to come understand each other and further incidents like this can be avoided.

****
~~Back~~ Still on the night shift. Again. Yes, friendship nobody in this office still has any sense of time. My 6-week stint (which should already be over this week) has turned into something that looks like it will last "maybe october" says my Boss. OH-MY-GAWD-CAN-YOU-FUCKING-BELIEVE-HIM?!?!?! First he passes this off as a short-term favor and then has the nerve to go gallivanating off to the US every month week and leave me here playing secretary. This is so fucking unbelievable. Pardon the language I'm just pissed at the fact that I have already fucked up my body so much, I have gained 10 pounds (Yes friendship 10! Katakot e! I partly also blame my sister for reintroducing huge quantities of beef and pork into my otherwise mostly veggie diet) in the month and a half that he's stuck me here. Gedammnit he better start hiring new people soon before I go nuts and chuck the phones out the window out of sheer annoyance... I WAS NOT BORN TO BE A SECRETARY!!!

****
I am not in school in this semester. I have decided not to finish my MA, much to the annoyance of a lot of my friends. After all I did just have 3 subjects to go, but when your teachers suck and you don't learn... I don't want to compromise having a degree without learning anything new. I don't want a degree in name only. But gawd I miss the Isaw at Ilang, the fishballs and the P10 monay and cheese deal near educ and the tapsilog from Rodic's...

****
Tygy has started school and just my dumb luck his practicum teacher is the only ex-friend of mine who still has contact with his dad. Talk about the twilight zone! I was almost tempted to pull him out of school and have him go somewhere else but then again if I hear anything from his dad then it would mean that she talked about my son which would reflect badly on her professional character. And since she is only going to be there for one semester, I decided to just wait it out. So far, in all the days that I have taken and fetched my son from school, she has never been there. Sigh. Ika nga ng iba kong mga kaibigan, pinagtatagpo talaga ang anak ko at ng ama niya ng tadhana.

****
Isn't it just weird how some people can just be so dense? I mean just what does one need to do sometimes to get the message across without having to resort to complete and utter bitchiness? Wala lang...

****
My bestfriend's sissy had me write an article about my playgirl lifestyle (from my pre-mother life, obviously which I will post soon) and had me do a photoshoot for that. She hasn't sent me all of the pics yet but there is one that I do particularly like that has been getting rave reviews.

Here it is.

Friendship says I look sexy. Hahaha, seriously friendship that was taken after I was back on night shift kaya I'm sure chunky na ako dyan. Sabi ko nga nun kay bestfriend, sexiness is 95% projection and 5% actual good body. Lols. Düde said it looked sensual. wahahahahaha. Iñigo agreed that the picture was infamously alluring. Gatchy even asked me if that was really me. Really gatchy when have I ever been in the habit of posting photos not my own? Credits for the pixie go to Buds, who has a wonderful eye and knows how to get my good shots out. ü

****
It's düde's birthday in 2 weeks. He has a friend he wants me to meet. Ergo I need to lose the weight by the 19th. Lols. Goodluck sa kin, di na ako kakain ng 2 linggo.

****
Thanks to everyone who has patiently left me messages even if I haven't been able to reply a lot. Gimikerowannabe, Yaellie-balelie, Tina, Zeus (thanks for the prayers, it really is appreciated), Cat, Myrrh, Louanne(marshe!!), Maan, Joei (I put you on my links already), Deslite, Amgine and Angel thankies.

Friendship, (special mention ka kasi love kita and because you got a promotion!) 7 corners at the crowne plaza and nurture spaü I can't wait!!!

And lastly to HunHuggiebear, thank you for the message Hunny. I was smooshed. Really. I can't wait to see you again. I miss you lots. ü

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BEING A MOM

2005-05-11T17:14:00.000+08:00

This is what makes motherhood worth it...

My twinkletoes during his first year.

My funnybunny at 2.

My sunshine at 3.

****
My response to Pajammy's what was your favorite year?

I was 20 when I really discovered life.

20 was when I discovered who I really was and had the strength and confidence to take on the world.
20 was how old I was when I did my last year of college and had the most wonderful time learning to live.
20 was learning the power of the smile and the influence of the body.
20 was the year to indulge in pleasures, forbidden or otherwise.
20 was when I really discovered what it was to love someone without conditions or barriers, and learn to let him go because it just wasn'tmeant to be.
20 was when I discovered just how much the bonds of friendship can take and be thankful for those friends who stayed.
20 was when I got my first job being an american's slave and learningthe real value of hard-earned cash.
20 was when I first started to drive and learn the tango of the road.
20 was when my parents split up and I learned I was going to be a parent too.
20 was learning to be responsible and accountable for the aftereffectsof the things you do.
20 was discovering first-hand, the good, the bad and the ugly in the world.
20 was the year I really grew up, the year that I was initiated into the real world of the grown-ups. It was the dress rehearsal year forthe storms to be faced in the coming years.

20 was the best year in my life.

MOTHER'S DAY

2005-05-11T14:21:00.000+08:00

Sent to my email and seems to just hit it on the dot :)

MUM - Job Description

POSITION:Mother, Mum, Mummy, Mom, Mama, Mommy

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for thebest but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon paymen t is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

THE "DATE" UPDATES

2005-03-30T11:25:00.000+08:00

Singles weekend starts on Friday with me and my Sis Sigay (who is a dead ringer for Priscilla Almeda) going dancing in Makati. As my car aircon is busted and since she doesn't want to bring a car either Düde's friend who wants to date her will have to host carpool. Unless I hit it off with one of the friends that he's gonna bring and we leave them. Lols.

Cher, my dear let's go dancing! Friendship sama ka na din! The more, the merrier and the less awkward the "date" will be for them!!!

Let's all go have fun. I cherish and relish the times I get to play out againü.

Now, I gotta go find something nice to wear...

SINGLES WEEKEND

2005-03-29T18:48:00.000+08:00

My mother will be out of town this weekend, and despite the fact that I am cashed out (I had to pay for Tygy's tuition today) I am hoping to be able to go out, even if it's just hanging out on a chair under the stars with some booze. Hey, when you ain't got no money, the cheapo gimmicks will have to do.

Düde and I are trying to set our friends up together and we're hoping to do that (although he is sending me out on my own, as he is still baldo with his injury) but I may just set them up and leave them to manyak each other to pieces, because three's a crowd.

Anyone willing to hang-out with me? Lemme know and let's see what we can do.

Friendship, Sis Cher, indi nyo ba ako sasamahan sa cheap gimmick? ü

JUST PASSING TIME

2005-03-29T17:39:00.000+08:00

stolen from pooj's blog.

You Are 35% Left Brained, 65% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

SUMMERTIME, SUMMERTIME, OH YES, ITS SUMMERTIME!

2005-03-29T15:22:00.000+08:00

It's swealteringly hot already and most people are walking around in tank tops, short shorts and havaianas, holding ice creams. If they're not at the beach already, that is.

Summer has always been my best season. For some reason, I feel like the year starts over when it's summer time. I am at my most optimistic at this season. Perhaps the sunshine helps plus the fact that school is out and valentines day and reminders of it are already packed away. Vacations are a must and it seems like troubles are oh so far, far away.

Emotional spring cleaning, in a sense is what summertime signifies for me.

I feel better, I've been able to sleep without freaky dreams for two days now and I don't feel so weighed down.

Big thanks especially to Flüfball and Friendship. You guys have been my saving grace. Gracias.

****
Went over to Friendship's house for swimming and some girly time. It's so interesting to see friends with their families. I could hardly keep the kids names straight, but it was wonderful being with them. I miss the family chaos.

Frienship, my sis and I loved meeting your family. They were wonderful. ü

I can now safely say that I have changed my mind about having a lot of kids. Four will be enough organized chaos for me ü.

WHEN IT FLOODS, SWIM

2005-03-23T11:53:00.000+08:00

I remember something one of my best friends said once when we were still in college musing over life. She said that "When it rains, it pours. When it pours, baha. Pag baha you swim."

I am so flooded right now with things spinning out of control that I don't know where to start trying to fix things up.

Lord, if this is you're gentle nudge, yes I have felt it.

So now what?

It's all yours. I can't do this anymore.

GOOGILISM

2005-03-22T17:49:00.000+08:00

According to this wonderful site that just tells you wonderful things about your name. Try it out when your bored or something. Heehee.

Biblical References (in the spirit of the season and all...)
jael is important in the bible because it teaches us that god delivers his people when they call on him
jael is the only female in the hebrew canon who murders an enemy commander with a sharp object ( I wonder what kind of object was used hmmm?)
jael is the only woman in the hebrew bible who slays an adversary with her own hands (so men out there, beware!)
jael is the elijah second remnant that will "arise"
jael is an angel governing the zodiacal sign of libra (as in of the scales, maybe that's why I'm into the equality thingie...)

And here are my favorites:
jael is such an unusual name
jael is represented by worlds of wonder (where?)
jael is "mountain goat" ("meeeeee")
jael is immortalized in a great song (which one?)
jael is committed to her husband and marriage (haha, well I would if I EVER get married that is)
jael is praised for her courage (o ha!)
jael is praised as "blessed among women" (if we're talking about fertility yeah...)
jael is humbled by her father's sermon (yup, I am)
jael is very much a truncated version of judith (tama ba na ganyan? FYI Judith is my mom's name. Really.)
jael is a part of his reality and vice versa (ehem, attention Unicorn!)
jael is a very mysterious figure (I'm sure the Manyaks gurls would beg to disagree hehehe)
jael is a genius (hey Fluffball...)
jael is a survivor (can I start singing I Will Survive now?)
jael is a must see (paging Louie from dreamland...)
jael is every woman…

IT'S THE START OF ANOTHER SUMMER...

2005-03-22T17:05:00.000+08:00

And again I am feeling nostalgic. Summer has always been able to do that to me. I think of all the summers that have passed, usually I think of the summers my friends and I used to have before we all started having babies and having greater responsibilities.

This summer will be different. I am sure of that. My mom is taking a trip abroad and might not be back until the latter half of this year which means yes, I get to play singlehood again. I will be given a nanny for Tygy since he will be starting school in June, and because of that I can see my social life beginning to resurrect itself. Yay.

Friendship and I will definitely hit a beach this summer, and I'm making sure that Tygy gets regular weekend playdates with cousin Annicka (pics to follow of the cousins first time to play at Bebear's baptism) and then make sure I get my single friends up and about since Fluffball and I are trying to find his writer friend someone to date, who knows we may be responsible for the match of the century. Lols.

WHO ARE YOU LOUIE?

2005-03-22T11:02:00.000+08:00

I cannot remember right now how it feels to get a good night's sleep. I haven't been sleeping well since the incident. When I don't drink something to help me sleep, I wake up with the most bizaare dreams. Seriously.

Last night I dreamt about Louie. I don't know who he is. I have never met the Louie I saw in my dream last night. But man he was cute. He was driving a green, heavily tinted car (it looked like a cefiro or something like that). He picked me up and when I got in the thing that I noticed was that I had three and a half pairs of shoes in his car. Yes, you read right. Three and a half pairs. Because in my dream I tried adjusting my seat and when it snagged I pulled out shoe after shoe after shoe. I asked where the other pair of one of my shoes was and he said "They're just there, somewhere". And I am sure that I don't leave shoes lying around in just anyone's car. That person has to be either a really good friend or a significant other for me to do that. The next thing he said to me was "People keep calling at home for you". And then I asked who they were and he said that he didn't know but that people were asking for me without leaving their names. Apparently in the dream Louie and I, live in the same house or maybe he's my future housekeeper/driver?

Now, I'm not sure if it means that I'll be changing addresses again soon or that I'll meet someone new who I'll be confident enough to want to try having another relationship with but man, I want to meet Louie soon.

****
If anyone out there knows where I can get Valium tabs to help me sleep, let me know. I'm almost out and there are days when it is essential that I get a dreamless and restful sleep.

I CANNOT BEAR TO TALK ABOUT IT YET

2005-03-21T18:12:00.000+08:00

And because I cannot eat, cannot sleep and cannot write about the events that have transpired and rendered me into this state of in-betweeness, I will post something that I wrote a long time ago that I just didn't feel ready to post yet. So without further ado, here is another reality fiction Holiday Meetings piece. Again, only SOME portions are real.

Christmas
It was another lonely Christmas and the holiday stress was making her ill, both in body and in mind. Everybody knew that, even she, yet she was unable to do anything about it but try to put in a bubble and hope that it would float away.

She lay there contemplating the circumstances of her solitude, wondering if she could sleep long enough to wake up after Valentines when her mobile rang. It was her Baird, but he cut the call just as she was about to answer it.

She is still composing the message to see what’s up with him when she receives a message from him.

BAIRD: Wer u?
BELLA: At home. Y? Watsup?
BAIRD: I’m going to be honest. I was gna ask if u wanted to come over bcoz I wantd to make love to u.
BAIRD: Forget about it. I’m sorry.

She lay on her bed wondering why fate has handed her this role to play yet again. She will not pretend that she has not thought about this before. She has of course thought about what it would be like to be with him again, but never once, did she think that he would ever ask her for this.

But of course, she wants to do this and she will do it, not as an act of superiority against others. Not to prove to herself that she is wanted, not to prove to others that she is easy to get. Never for that reason. She does this for her Baird, not as an act of vengeance but one of love, twisted as it may seem. She does this because she knows that he will not let it change anything between them and she is afraid that in her saying no, it may lead him to a path that he cannot control. She is in the middle of deciding whether to call him to personally give her answer or to send him an ok in a message, when he calls her again. She supposes that he thinks her silence means that she is upset.

BELLA: Hello.
BAIRD: Hey, did u read my message?
BELLA: Yes.
BAIRD: I’m sorry, forget that I said anything.
BELLA: I’m really flattered you know. So, if the offer still stands, it’s a yes.
BAIRD: Are you ok with this?
BELLA: Of course. I wouldn’t say yes if I wasn’t. Pick me up ok.
BAIRD: All right, I’m on my way.

As she dresses she wonders if there will be any awkwardness between them. And while she sits there waiting for him to arrive she wonders if he will change his mind. But he is as reliable as she remembers him to be and with a final spray of her perfume – jasmine, for tonight, she goes to meet him.

There are no long silences as they drive. They fill each other in on what’s been happening in their lives and as she talks she hopes that she does not show the nervousness she suddenly feels. He turns to her at a stoplight and looks, shyly at her as if suddenly embarrassed by the circumstances that have brought them together.

BAIRD: You sure you ok with this.
BELLA: Yes, I am. Really. Just out of curiosity though, who else did you ask?
BAIRD: Just you.
BELLA: Why me?
BAIRD: I missed you.

She smiles at this and cannot help but think of how much she has missed him. On a sudden burst of bravery she looks at him again before making her announcement.

BELLA: You know you're the other only person I can imagine myself being with like this.
BAIRD: Really? Now I'm flattered.
BELLA: Yup, he set the standard and you upped the ante.

She misses the way that he smiles like that, when he's really pleased about something. It's a cross between a smile of pleasure and mischief, of secrets, of love. Entering his room again gives her a weird sense of deja-vu and another feeling that she cannot yet identify. She remembers the last time that she was here, not knowing then that it would be the last time she entered it as his. She shakes off her nostalgia and immediately walks over to his bookshelf like she used to. She picks up a new book and throws a smile over her shoulder.

BELLA: You bought the first one?
BAIRD: Yes.
BELLA: May I?
BAIRD: Of course.

And she puts his new book beside her purse. She sits gingerly on the edge of his bed, unsure of what to do next when he kisses her and it’s the exact way that he used to kiss her. She remembers that no one has kissed her just like he has and wonders how after all this time she can still feel light headed when he kisses her. He is the only one who can drive all thought when he kisses her neck just so. She tells him this and he laughs. And then they are a tangle of arms and legs and lips and hair and sighs.

Much later she agrees with him that they should have thought of this before, and that they should do this again. Soon.

FOOL IN-LOVE

2005-02-04T11:28:00.000+08:00

I hate February.

I really do. Yes, I’m a scrooge in love and I hate hate haaaaaate it. I envy the people who are happy and secure in love. I do. I really, really do.

In the course of this week he’s gotten me from freaking angry to tearfully annoyed to joyously-deliriously happy to regretfully resigned. All in the course of three days. I hate this ambiguous, pendulum-like state of this past progressive relationship. Sometimes I wonder why I still love him in-spite of and despite the things he does that feel like spikes and shards being driven into my heart again and again.

Just when you think that things are beginning to look up for the better, you get whammed from out of nowhere that yes, once again you’ve been played for the fool.

For Mr. Past Progressive Cassanova,

Alalahanin mo lang sana na grabe na ang tinanggap at tiniis ko sa iyo dahil mahal na mahal kita. Sana lang maisip mo minsan na wag ka naman maging sobrang abusado dahil may hangganan din ang kakayanin kong tanggapin. Alam ko kung ano ang ugali mo at tinatanggap ko yun. Sana lang kasi minsan mag-ingat ka dahil marami ang nakakilala sa iyo at aabot at aabot din sa kin ang mga kalokohan mo. Wag mong antayin na tapatan ko ang mga ginagawa mo dahil pag umabot ako sa punto ng tapatan ng kalokohan, alam mong ako ang panalo. Wag mo akong subukan.

Consider this a friendly warning.

Special thanks to the Virgin for letting me know how much of a Cassanova he really is. I really do appreciate the fact that you felt confident enough to tell me things like this so I don’t go around being ~~stupidly-in-love~~ stupid and acting like a moron 100% of the time.

~~I hate being in love.~~ I hate being in love with him again.

Kahit anong gawin ko, ikaw pa din talaga. Sana nga maging tayo na para matapos na ang kabaliwan na ito.

****
Finished the Stat exam with the teacher from hell. Looks like more pain will be coming my way if I don’t pass this stupidly required class. Halfway into it, she suddenly remarked

“Oo, mahirap nga yang exam kasi ginawa ko yan kagabi at nahirapan ako.”

WTF?!?!?!?

Yup, that is sadly my teacher, the lady who just makes us more confused by teaching in never ending circles. Sigh.

****
The Master has shown me his. I’m so thrilled!!! Welcome to the blogging world Master. And thanks to Bugsy who has finally gotten around to turning on blogger after almost 9 months of waiting. Grabe I could have had another baby in the time that it took for him to get wround to this.

****
Friendship, Trinatortol and Sis Cher, I got you messages but sadly my phone is still out of commission. I hope to get it fixed by this weekend. I have so much to tell you guys.

Additional note for Friendship RFM Court on Saturday after work ha! Sama ka na kasi baka ito na lang ang abutan ko e.

Fluffball, I gotta talk to you dude. I need Unicorn help. Things apparently are not what they seem to be. Sigh. I'm feel broken again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOÜLSISSY!!!

2005-01-29T17:16:00.000+08:00

Today is my Soülsissy’s quarter-of-a-century-birthday. This year she has received her birthday gift early and been blessed by the arrival of a little bundle of joy. I couldn’t imagine a better present.

I love you sweetie. Ü I know you’ll be the best mommy you can be. Don’t worry about being a mom. You’ll get the hang of it and even through I know there will be challenges ahead, I know you’ll get through it. Happy Birthday.

PENDULUMS

2005-01-26T15:07:00.000+08:00

Yup that’s what I remember when I think about the state of things right now. Pendulums. My life is so defined by discordant moments. Sigh.

On the upswing we have the arrival of Bebear, my Soülsissy’s FPJ (First Pride and Joy) who was a whopping 9 pounds and 5 oz! Yay for Soülsissy. She has now officially been welcomed over to mommyland. Also on the friendfront, my bestest-partner-in-crime has found someone with a great deal of potential to make her happy in a way that she has deserved to be for a long time. I hope she’s found her one.

On the downside, this has been just a horribly, horribly stressful week and it's only Wednesday. I’ve decided to drop my research class because I don’t have the available time to complete the research. It’s my first time ever to drop a class and yes, I can feel the rolling waves of disappointment already. Then, there’s that. I haven’t given it a proper term yet as I can still not identify what it is exactly. I guess it’s the rottenness of timing and all that. I mean don’t you just hate it when things begin coming together with the worst possible time in your life?

Crossroads again. How I hate it when they suddenly come out of nowhere, just when you’re about to get used to things. Wham, bam, here they are again. This can’t at all be healthy. I hope it's just my hormones becoming crazy again. Sigh.

KILLING US

2005-01-22T17:19:00.000+08:00

Our relationship is complicated. We are, to all intents and purposes, friends - of some kind I guess. However it’s more than just that. We have more than just a bond. Something indefinable and unbreakable.

Working together is going to kill US.

I know that I should be happy, ecstatic even on the prospect of being able to regularly see him, and more than once a week at that. I should be happy that instead of a hundred million miles, the only thing that separates us is a cubicle divider on the days that we work together. I should relish the fact that we share lunch, cig breaks and sometimes riding home with mainly just each other. WE have our own little love bubble in the office. And within that love bubble, I get to exercise my right to his hugs.

But all this togetherness comes at a price. And it means that I should not expect “I Miss You” texts since we’ll be together so often. It means that when we’re together I can no longer expect that his attention will be focused just on being with me alone, because it’s been months since we’ve been together. It means that we won’t wish to be together as much as we used to. It means hello to another kind of loneliness.

He is one of the bright shiners in my life, across space and over time. We provide each other with the constant haven that we can find only with each other. And as weird as it may sound, I’ve gotten used to the “long-distance” relationship we’re engaged in.

Maybe we’ll find the nasty everyday habits that hid from us because we were never together that long and find out that we can’t stand each other. Maybe we’ll find out that we can’t grow together on an almost daily basis. Maybe we need this introduction to each other’s everyday reality. Maybe this is what I need to let go.

Then again, maybe not.

****
Since we’re on talking about us anyway, here’s a cut from my reality-fiction piece that used him as one of the inspirations.

New Year

It was her last new year before leaving. She wondered if he would keep up with their holiday tradition. She had forgotten whose turn it was but she knows that they skipped the tradition last Christmas, sending messages instead of calling each other. She lay there watching the fireworks explode in a kaleidoscope of colors reminiscing of her first new year with him, their first new year together and wondering if that would really be their last. She sees her phone flashing silently in the dark hotel room.

BELLA:Happy New Year.
EROS:Happy New Year luv.
BELLA:Finished already?
EROS:Yes. Where are you?
BELLA:Hotel.
EROS:Oh ok.
BELLA:Come pick me up please? I don’t want to be alone tonight.
EROS:Ok. I’m alone and lonely tonight too.
BELLA:So hurry up so we don’t spend New Year’s miserable. That might not be a good sign for the new year!
EROS:All right. I’m on my way. Be there in 10.

She dresses and fixes her face, the steam in the bathroom distorting her reflection in the mirror. She supposes that the image is apt as her reality is always distorted from someone else’s point of view.

She leaves the hotel after much questioning from the night staff. She wonders how they could think that she was a whore. Was she pretty enough to even look like those that were brought into five star hotels?

She sees his car parked across the street and goes to him through the haze of fog induced by the fireworks. She gets in the car and he kisses her, on the lips in greeting before he starts the car and they drive. She is no longer surprised at his actions but remembers the first time he began to show her affection in public and how special she felt then. She has long since accepted that she is entitled to receive such showings of affection from him.

EROS: Where too?
BELLA: Somewhere. Anywhere. I don’t really care if we just park at a gas station and just sit here until the sun rises.
EROS: Ok. How about we go and get something to drink and find a place to hang-out in?
BELLA: Sounds good. My body is in desperate need of alcohol already.

They find themselves a room after buying several bottles of vodka. She remembers that he was the one who taught her how to drink that in the days way back when she had not yet discovered her true face. They settle themselves on the bed, before they begin their discourse on her chosen solitude and the latest addition in his list of paramours who cannot seem to make him happy. She wonders what it is in him that seems to make him choose the wrong women. His current claim is that he is tired of being with someone who does not seem to care. He is tired of having an invisible partner.

BELLA: Are you sure you’ve tried everything to make it work?
EROS: Pointless luv. She just doesn’t care.
BELLA: Are you sure you can go back to being single?
EROS: Of course. It’s the same now anyway.
BELLA: Can you let her go? Can you live without her? More importantly, will she let you go?

He is silent at that and she turns to light another stick. She knows deep down that he does love his new paramour, as much as he bellyaches and complains about her imperfections. However she also knows that he loves her as well, though she is not sure of the nature or the parameter of his love. Because no matter how much he tries, he cannot seem to leave and let her go. He senses that her she is beginning to brood and tries to get her mood to lift.

EROS: Did you know that you’ve actually outlasted all my relationships? You’re enduring luv.
BELLA: Because I’m the only one who puts up with you! And yet you always love them more.
EROS: Of course not!
BELLA: Of course too!!
EROS: I’ve loved you more! Eversince.

She is silent at that. She knows that he means what he says but his actions always belied his words. He has told her over and over, time and again that she has a special place in his heart but she cannot help but feel that his efforts to impart this to her are sorely lacking.

She was tired of being his substitute for love but she always thought first with her heart rather than with her brain and as a consequence she got herself in more trouble than she’d like to admit even to herself. And yet after all this time he was still her Eros. He was the only man who could still make her heart race over a text and at the same time calm it down with something as simple as a hug. A seer told her once that they were soul-mates and that they were probably already together in a previous life which is why they weren’t, couldn’t be together now.

EROS: I’ll never leave you luv.
BELLA: I know that. You know that I’m not always as expressive as I’d like to be but I’m glad you stayed in my life.
EROS: And you know how thankful I am that no matter what, you’ve always been there for me, through thick and thin.

He hugs her and she stays in his arms just listening to his heartbeat and the soft murmur of his voice as he whispered more sweet nothings of reassurance to her, of his place in his heart and how thankful he is that she has always been there for him.

She lay in his arms and wondered again why she could never seem to be enough for him to be together with permanently. She wonders what it is in her that lacks. She is tired, of the long days and nights and silences.

But she realized that as tired she was of being alone, she would no longer compromise her standards. In hindsight she saw that it only got her into more trouble, after she tried settling twice for those whom she knew, if she were thinking rationally and had listened to that voice in her head, were sorely lacking.

Her New Year’s resolution, she decides as she snuggled deeper in his arms should be not to settle and sell herself short of what she rightfully deserves. She knows that it is easier said than done but she is hopeful. She has not yet lost the ability to dream.

****
My Soülsissy’s water broke this morning. I can’t wait for Bebear to get here. Surprisingly, on my way to work I texted her asking if the baby was on the way yet and then when I get to the office, her sissy tells me that it’s time.

I can’t wait to be an aunt.

****
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SIS CHER!

She is a woman who is as dear as her name claims her to be. She is a soul full of passion and zest for life who’s writing never fail to pull her readers into the kaleidoscope that is her life. I wish you love and joy and a man who will measure up to the incredible woman that you are. Love you girl!

UNDERNEATH IT ALL

2005-01-17T13:11:00.000+08:00

Sometimes there are situations in life that test the mettle of our moral fiber. We are forced to make decisions that greatly impact not just our lives but sometimes even those that we care about, and not all the time can we avoid hurting someone in the process. This is not to cast any judgment value on anyone mind you. However when it comes down to the innocent hurt party being a child, I think that everyone has a right to try to help the cause of the child. For those who are lost let me give you a brief background.

Boy and girl are childhood friends and classmates. Boy likes girl, but never pursues her. In college, girl starts to look at boy differently (probably due to his endurance in maintaining that he has always liked her or by some strange misfire on Cupid's part)and they get together. Girl goes off to med school at a relative distance from where Boy is finishing his undergrad. Boy then gets his thesis-mate pregnant, while Girl is slaving off studying corpses. Thesis-mate has baby. Girl takes boy back (love is stupid, yes). Boy initially wanted to get to know daughter-from-thesis-mate however in a fit of madness, has decided not to, in fear that he will lose Girl in this set-up. Thesis-mate has no choice but to just accept the financial support that Boy's family offered. Boy's family likes Girl for Boy so they do not push him to see the daughter-from-thesis-mate. Girl says that she has tried to talk to him about seeing daughter-from-thesis-mate however things are not as simple as black and white.

Things like this really do not fall in either a black or white category. This is grey in its finest most undeterminate from black and white state. The child falls in a gray area and as such has first dibs on consideration.

However Boy has not shown this in the slightest. Perhaps he has not yet been able to assimiliate the dad concept into his being, but then again, that isn't an excuse. As for his view that he could lose Girl by getting to know his child, it's a very weak excuse for selfishness. First of all he's even lucky that she took him back in the first place knowing what a cheat he was, second of all is his opinion of Girl so loe that she wouldn't be understanding of the innocent parties that somehow got dragged in? Has Boy though of what he's gonna do when his daughter comes to him 10, 15, 30 years from now asking why didn't he want her? If he can look her in the eye and answer in all honesty that he was unbelievably selfish and thinking only of his own happiness, then by all means I give him the license to turn his back on responsibility. Only for as long as he can stand by his decision and accept further consequences of his decisions.

I am disappointed both in Boy and Girl because I grew up with them and I'm extremely saddened by what I see them doing now. Not that I'm championing the cause of thesis-mate because she too had a fault in getting involved with someone attached. I am championing the cause of the child who has lost a father to selfishenss. Who will grow up wondering what she did wrong, if she did anything wrong to drive her father away. I pray for them all, to be able to accept the unpleasant realities that life has and to be able to make the right decision, find the compromise that will be able to help all those involved.

For Boy: Life is not a box of chocolates. Grow up and act like the man we know you are.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2005-01-07T15:46:00.000+08:00

Yes. I am still alive. Yes, I am still buried in work. Horridly so. I know that I should be happy that our company is doing well and all but of course I’d love to have some time for myself and my friends and my baby before I go.

****
Had Soülsissy’s babyshower last week and had a mini-reunion of the mothers-r-us group with me, len and sigs. We plan on meeting this weekend for a playdate for the kids, especially since tygy and cousin annicka haven’t seen each other since they were barely crawling. Will post pixies soon. Oh and it’s nice to finally be able to repay the favor of being the eternal carpool girl. There a sense of achievement that now I’m the one who gets to take them home.

****
I’m finally beginning to understand my stat class. Hallelujah. Bring on the marching band. Now if I could just get the same amount of enthusiasm on for the rest of the semester for ALL of my classes…

Speaking of schoolwork I’m doing my mini-thesis on “The Gifted Child and His Family”. At least I get to use some of my undergrad stuff and I won’t have to work with those horrid teachers that I hate.

****
FOR FRIENDSHIP:

Gracias mi amiga. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!! COME BACK ALREADY!!!!!
I’m going nuts editing by myself…

****
The holidays weren’t so bad. Got to spend time with two of the people who know just how to keep me calm, and centered and balanced as well as some rest and relaxation more because of that insane viral infection I caught just before Christmas which caused me to miss out on all the feasting. So yes, I lost weight because I couldn’t keep anything down. Plus I got myself tan at the beach again. Yay.

****
Speaking of friendships in general, Stepheroo made me reflect yesterday on just how special my friends are to me. I know that I’m not as expressive as I used to be when I was younger, probably a side effect of the “emotional bruising” I’ve been subjected to recently but I want all of YOU to know that I do appreciate the fact that no matter how short or long we’ve known each other, I value all of you because of the things that you continually share with me and to know that I treasure and cherish the things that we’ve been through and I love you all for always for being a part of my crazy life.

(This goes to ALL my friends, old and new ü)

OF OLD SOULS AND HOUSEBUNDS

2004-12-14T20:45:00.000+08:00

I am an old soul. Or so says Miss Tonette our resident office psychic, fortune-teller and prediction specialist. (She said that three people would get pregnant from the office this year and she hit the number on the dot!) Anyways, today was kinda slow so we just basically hung around and had her read auras and do some predictions for us. She said that I was one of the very rare people who sported a violet aura meaning that I was an old soul from around 600BC or something (I’ll have to look that up properly one of these days, I can’t believe I’m that old), that I was a spiritual being, not to be confused with religious and that contrary to popular opinion and personal feelings I would eventually walk down in a white dress (Oh shudder, friendship!) to some big, hunky guy who’s not from here. Oh well, at least kahit papaano hunky siya di ba? She also mentioned me trying to develop the talent that I am afraid to use but I’m gonna have to think long and hard about that.

****
In my research class, we discovered that the phenomenon of the Filipino housebund is becoming more and more common. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have one of those big research companies pay us to do a profile and demographic study? I’d love to so something like that but my major doesn’t fall into something that will touch on that area. Still, isn’t it a big step in Filipina empowerment that we can now have the option of making the men stay at home and do the chores?

****
Meeting Sissyfer Cher tomorrow for a much awaited coffee meet-up. I can’t wait to finally see her!

****
OBLATION RUN ON THURSDAY AT THE AS STEPS, UP DILIMAN AT 12NOON

And lantern parade at 3pm as well…

****
My uncle/aunt (if you get what I mean) came over to the house so I am now sporting a lovely newly colored layered do. I feel like an island-princess again.ü

****
ATTENTION FLUFFBALL Düde wala pa bang drinking party? May medical kasi ako next year e…

****
As this is my last new year here in the near future I am planning for something memorable and hope that it pulls through (crosses fingers)… ü

MY BOSS HEARD I WAS RESIGNING…(aka there are no SECRETS in this company!!!)

2004-12-08T05:59:00.000+08:00

So he offered me a promotion. Seriously. I will now be heading the QM department and straining my eyes even more from editing five hundred million resumes for interviews. It wouldn’t be so bad if the teachers wrote well but most of the resumes we see have wrong grammar and tenses, switching points of view and extremely ambiguous statements. Makes one wonder if these people are teachers at all in real life but then again, being grammatically isn’t all that important to most people anyways. I will also be conducting resume clinics on weekends. For the totally clueless on how to start selling themselves, everything begins with an impressive resume. After all who would want to interview you if you seemed just like the run of the mill candidate? We’re still waiting for the turn-over of procedures and stuff so I haven’t started on going back to the day shift just yet but I most probably will be by the beginning of next year barely before the interviewers start swarming into Manila like bears to honey. Holas muchos de trabajos. It’ll just be until April anyway so it’s not so bad.

****
Because of the looming work load I will be inheriting I will have to start getting done on my school work to avoid a repeat of last semester’s events. Crap. My research class is straining on the mind as well as draining on the body. My professor is averse to giving breaks to the three hour long class so must of us leave the class in a zombie like state. Not to mention that she gives us tons and I mean tons of homework every meeting…

****
Ate Weng, (our night shift secretary) suggested that if I’m unable to find myself a stat tutor then maybe I could just go and watch the knowledge channel and learn from there. I would if I could, but the problem is I don’t get the knowledge channel…

****
My friends who were not too thrilled about my leaving were ecstatic when they heard that I got the promotion because they thought that it would mean that I would be staying here. Unfortunately, the salary really has no competition whatsoever with the one abroad so that will still be pushing through. I promised Friendship that I would always write since I know that she would in the manner befitting the letter (i.e. annoyed, angry and amused when appropriate). She said she would be sending in her office address so that she would be able to read my letters and have a bit of amusement during office hours. Lols.

ALL MY BAGS ARE PACKED IM READY TO GO…

2004-12-04T06:14:00.000+08:00

Well, not exactly yet. But I have been accepted into a job that will require me to be overseas for ten months next year. Yes, ladies and gentlemen I’m going to be an island-princess!!!! Lols. In a manner of speaking though I would like to leave sometime in April as I want to finish the semester and wait for Bebear to get here. For those who don’t know yet, Bebear will be my soulsissy’s baby and he is supposed to come out sometime in January or in February and the planned baptism is in April as well. I’m so gonna miss my Soülsissy and Friendship but this is an opportunity that I have been hoping for and needing. After all just how many jobs are there that pay good money as well as allow you to travel? I can think of just a handful and the others are not really alternative routes to me. Anyway, I’d like to be able to save some money so that I can finish with those education plans and such things that parents now are supposed to be investing in…

****
Most of my friends had mixed reactions when I told them what I planned to do. There were some who were totally ecstatic over the fact that I’d be leaving and there were others who although were happy for me, were sad that I would be away for so long. I know for sure that I’m gonna SO SO MISS Soülsissy and Friendship the most…

****
ESPECIALLY FOR FRIENDHSIP üüü
My aunt gave me Nine West black Charol(?), three-inch, peeptoe, stiletto pumps that she wore once but kept flying of her feet so were given to me. I think that’s what helped me get the job because they are just gorgeous. Although of course I can’t use them all the time in fear of having a mentos moment. They have become part of collection of shoes that you use for displaying at parties, gimmicks, job interviews…ü

****
I am proud to announce that during the English exam portion of the new job, I get one of the highest scores!!! Yay! Bossing would be so proud! After all, most of the questions were just listening exercises or fill in the blanks portions and I could do that in my sleep. So I again ended up with another four mistake exam.

****
Speaking of exams, I still have not found a tutor for stat class for me and Miko. As the teacher says it’s only addition but then again we’re not stat or majors so you’ll have to forgive the slowness in manually adding here…

****
The Unicorn and I have met and we celebrated much in the usual fashion of our meetings. And we both came to an important mutual conclusion:
1. That some people that you just can’t get out of your system.
2. There are just some kinds of love that other people are not meant to understand.
3. Love is love, sweeter especially when given freely and with appreciated properly.

****
Thanks for the well wishes from my birthday and for being able to write again. *HUGS* More updates next week. My brain is still sluggish from the days of not having classes… And for those who care, give donations to those people who suffered in the storms.

****
Quote of the day from my sis Cher, who I’m meeting next week for coffee (Sis andun ka sa links ko kaya, iba lang pangalan mo!):

” To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong” Joseph Chilton Pearce

PREVIOUSLY ON 23 AND CURRENTLY ON 24

2004-11-15T20:03:00.000+08:00

November 13, 2004

b>Today is MY BIRTHDAY

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I now have the ability to write again. Yay. After an emotional block that lasted months and the last two weeks at work that have just been on the brink of murderous on the mind and body, I am free. I've finished most of the damn work that strained the eyes and almost made my brain rot and will be writing once again. Updates soon. Really this time. :)

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Friendship is so tickled pink by the fact that I am taking Spanish classes as an elective for school under one of my mom's old teachers. This old fogey is pretty good even if she has her mataray modes every now and then.

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Master Ian celebrates his bonne anniversaire or in Friendship’s preferred term feliz compleaños, a day after me so we're being cheap and just jointly celebrating on monday and we'll be having A Veneto pasta for the night guys. It was either that or yellow cab but since our boss is pizza man, the guys opted for pasta over pizza.

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Have two research classes this sem. God help me now. If I ever do decide to finish my MA here and take my thesis under that horrid old man-whore biatch (yes, I HATE, HATE, HATE that teacher!!!) I'll have to survive them both. I wish Dang were back here. I'm not gonna survive my stat class until December without a tutor!!!!!

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Also currently doing self review for the GRE. For the unenlightened this is the required entrance exam for MA courses abroad so if I am going to go ahead and finish abroad I need to do well on that. It's similar to the SAT's only harder according to most people's reports. I see a great big banner welcoming me now into the nerdy life. Eeeuuuwww.

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Mom and gradma going to Singapore and Malaysia possible at the end of the month. I hope they push through so that my mom can stop bitching about being stuck in the house all day. Lols

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Am currently reading Garth Nix’s “Abhorsen Trilogy” recommended by the wonderful fluffball and apart from a really horrid dream I had the other day about me being the one possessed by dead creatures, I’m loving the imagery that he has. I get the same tingly feeling that I get when I read Gaiman’s work and I wish that Nix makes more books like these.

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I am now currently endorsing Sue Devitt makeup. The last time I had a makeover done at the Beauty Bar I tried that make up and got raving reviews. Some people said I looked like that flower girl am girl singer and the other half said that I looked like am girl boldstar who shall remain nameless...

November 15, 2004

Trins sent me a picture frame with a picture of Jonah's birthday from last year. How fast time flies. It seems like just yesterday when she was here and we were living the life (well at least we tried...)lols. I so hope she comes home for christmas...

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Met up with Soülsissy today to give her cocoa butter cream. I can't wait for her to have the baby! I'm so excited to go shopping for baby things... Sissy has been diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat and had to wear a portable ecg which she says made her feel like a suicide bomber girl. I do hope everything turns out ok.

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Sorry about the messy text. As I have mentioned I blog through a proxy server and I didn't check my post last saturday. My apologies.

BACK FROM THE ASHES

2004-10-22T01:47:00.000+08:00

I’m back. Yes, I am back. More or less finished a hell sem, (technically didn’t finish as I have intentionally incompleted two out of my three subjects, but what the hell it’s the first time I did that and I’ve been doing this three years and this is the first sem that I made a mistake in choosing classes together so what the heck…) and I’m now allowed to write again. Yay:)

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Friendship will be leaving us next Friday and I’m so, so gonna miss her. She’s been an integral part of my being able to survive this year and I can’t imagine coming to work everyday and not being able to talk with her. She’s been there when I’ve needed to cry, to bitch, to moan and groan and she’s been absolutely what I’ve needed to keep myself balanced at work. And who will help me pick on Arvin and tease him on his constant phone flirting and memory loss problems? Lols. I mean the other people are easy to get along with, but I’m afraid that they just aren’t Friendship and they won’t understand things the way that Friendship does. Like things that get me frustrated and make me cry and the things that amuse me and make me laugh and enjoy blogs. I remember the Creepy White Guy Bossing once joking about how the only person that I was sure would be able to understand me would be her. And he was right. Because in her I’ve found another sister-friend. I L♥ve you Friendship! Sobra kitang mamimiss!

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Missed out on the Belly Dancing Lessons their offering in school because they’re holding them for 6 Saturdays from 10-11 on Saturday mornings. Unfortunately, I’ve already been given Saturday morning classes so it would have been a waste of my money for me to enroll as much as I’d love. So I’m trying to just get a yoga PE class instead, but it looks rather slim as I am an MA student and that’s not really required for me.

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I’m having to return Flufball’s Sandman books but he says he’s found me a complete copy of “Tigana” by Guy Gavriel Kay. I think we must have gotten our wires crossed somewhere since I distinctly remember me saying I would get him a copy. Oh well... and speaking of Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series, I was able to get my hands on a copy of the “Endless Nights” issue at powerbooks. Can I just say again how much I L♥VE, L♥VE, L♥VE Neil Gaiman! Haay. I’ve finished his “Neverwhere”, “American Gods” and “Good Omens” as well as most of the Sandman books and his writing is just so unlike any that I have ever encountered. He is simply just the best. Am currently reading “Stardust” (in between chapters of the Sylvia Plath’s “Bell Jar” and can’t wait to finish it.)

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The Unicorn and I have not yet been able to celebrate our anniversary since the wonderful people at Globe decided to cut my phone this morning and we hadn’t been able to iron out the details of where we were gonna meet. Isn’t it amazing how quickly Globe turns off your phone but takes forever to investigate a complaint? Argh!

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Office outing in Batangas this weekend! I’m so excited to finally get on a beach this year. (Yes, I know my social life has been very pitiful) Just hope this annoying cough of mine gets lost before then.

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I miss my Soülsissy. I haven’t seen her in a month so I’ll be popping over to do a house visit as soon as Mom and Tygy head back to Ilocos.

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My grandfather died last month so I no longer have a complete set of Grandparents. Good thing I named Tygy after him so at least he was able to enjoy yet another generation to spoil if even for just a little while.

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Friendship will be getting a Suzuki Jimny soon! Yay! Hello, out of town trips, here we come…

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LSS of the week: Tuesday Vargas’ “Di Ako Bakla”, Yes, I know. It’s weird. And it’s Jackson’s fault for continuously singing that and her other “naman, naman, naman” song…

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To everyone who showed moral support and encouragement with the idiot commenters (yes, I have been told who they are, and I will reveal all of that soon) BIG HUGS AND KISSES FROM THE HUGABEAR to all of YOU! Thank you so much for helping me through that emotionally stressful period.

OK THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS...

2004-08-31T22:04:00.000+08:00

I'm really busy at work so pardon for not updating, but I just needed to have a quick word. Now, I know that by putting on both a comments box and a tag-board I was setting myself up for feedback and judgement by both strangers and friends alike. Now usually I take criticism very well, however it's another issue when people come on to my blog to purposefully harass me and don't even have the nerve to show who they are. Now, I was taught that if you didn't have anything nice to say, you might as well shut up. I hope that this is the last time that this happens. Just to let you know, you're not amusing...

sweet bitch: Damn and I thought your lovey/picasso came to his senses already & finally broke up with you! From your description of him, he seems like a great guy with a very high tolerance for your quirks & hang-ups... too bad he made a mistake of choosing someone like you! Can you keep a secret? I saw his pi'x and I think I have a little crush on him
I.P. 202.78.97.48

Anonymous: ahahahahahhahahaahaha...buti nga beh buti nga bebebebe buti nga!ahoooo!ang arte-arte mo kasi...kulay libag ka naman!!!!ahahahahahahaha...
I.P. 213.184.168.89

*xxx*: got ur IP addy..i know u were the one who visited my blog.naknamputa ka!
I.P. 212.71.42.27

ako: pinarada ang kalandian!
I.P. 212.71.40.171

If you don't have nothing nice to say then do us all a favor and shut up and if you don't like what you read, then don't visit the blog. It's not my fault that you live such boring, unmeaningful lives that you have to go around wishing for things that other people have. Grow up and get a life please and while you’re at it go pick up some manners as well.

ON HIATUS FROM COUPLEDOM AND BACK TO SINGLEHOOD

2004-08-24T03:18:00.000+08:00

I know, I know, I owe updates, like what happened at my bestfriend's wedding (and the pictures too) and the 1st birthday of the son of my high school classmate who's name is the spelled like mine, or how I'm surviving school and being alone again but for now, I'm taking a break. Like what chEr said, I want to blog but the words get in the way. It's been an emotionally exhausting month and it isn't even finished yet. I'll be back when I'm feeling better, when I don't feel like chugging little blue tablets one after another because even when I'm asleep I'm not spared from any of it.

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Quotable qoutes:

from chEr:
"ikaw ang dapat hinihintay, at hindi ikaw naghihintay, ikaw ang iniiyakan, at hindi ang umiiyak."

from JM:
"you gravitate towards the wrong guys. that's the better way to put it"

Hmmmm, I thought I had that remedied already...

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Waiting for the screen adaptation of Memoirs of a Geisha. And yes Friendship is partnering with me so we don't have to watch movies alone anymore.

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My good friend Yanni has wonderfully agreed to be my dating partner while I am alone. I love you Yanni and yes, of course your girlfriend can come with us anytime :) Thanks for making sure that your shobe is never lonely. Shobe, FYI is little sister in Chinese for all you with dirty minds out there!

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Martir
J. Taguibao

Patay ang mga ilaw
Walang ibang nandito, kung di ako
Bakit ba kailangang ako ang maiwan
Bakit kailangan mong lumisan

Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Malapit nanamang magtakipsilim
Tama bang
Umasa’t humiling
Marami pa akong dapat sisihin

Ilang ulit ba itong nangyari
Ilang gabi at dilim
Maraming beses nang iniyakan
Maraming beses. Hindi nakayanan

Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Malapit nanamang magtakipsilim
At kahit na ilang ulit mo akong saktan
Nais lamang ay ang makapiling ka

Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Malapit nanamang magtakipsilim
At kahit na ilang ulit mo akong saktan
Basta't sa susunod di mo na ako iiwan

Kailan ka ba
Muling darating
Marami na akong tinagong lihim
At kahit na ilang ulit mo pa akong sinaktan
Basta't sa susunod di mo na ako iiwan

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Thanks to Jalsy for the song lyrics. It seems apt for now.

HUMBUMBERDI TO YOÜ!

2004-08-17T05:20:00.000+08:00

Humbumberdi to you, humbumberdi to you, humbumberdi, humbumberdi, humbumberdi to YOÜ!!!!. *HUGS ON YOUR SPECIAL DAY*! Hope you have a good one!Ü

AUGUST SHOWERS

2004-08-17T05:10:00.000+08:00

The bridal shower has finished and like everything else that’s been happening recently it was filled with drama. Let’s start off with the bride’s ex coming over to her house on the day of the shower. No the bride was not there but yes the maid of honor and the mother of the bride were. The maid of honor (MOH) texted us while we were at the bridal shower that she would be a little late because the bride’s ex was over at her house and talking to her about how he had changed over in the last 10 months that we hadn’t heard a peep from him. He apparently had gotten a business set-up and had even bought a car in preparation for their life together only to find out that his intended wife was already engaged to someone else and having their child. The confirmation of the news supposedly upset so much he fainted. And that culminated in his charging over to the ex’s house to talk to her about what had happened to them. This was not the type of news a bride-to-be would like to hear on the night of her bridal shower, a week before her wedding. And hearing about how he cried over the love that he had lost hurt me too, because in the time that he and my bestfriend were together he became my friend as well. However, he could not expect her to wait when we hadn’t heard a peep from him in the last 10 months. My bestfriend is ass-whip smart but she isn’t a psychic so how was she supposed to know that he was preparing for their future? What was she supposed to do twiddle her thumbs and wait for him until he got his act together? I don’t think so. So she didn’t. And in her moving on she met the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Now, most brides would be unnerved over news of an ex suddenly reappearing and may suddenly have hesitations about who she wanted to be with. But she stood firm and she made us proud. “Come hell or high water or exes (the bride’s and the groom’s) screaming NO! at the ceremony, the wedding is on.”

The shower gave us a chance to catch up with long-lost friend specifically Len, the unhappy(?) wife and mother who brought the killer pasta and Jonah, who mostly lives in her own world (I miss you manyak at manyak ka pa din hanggang ngayon kahit may Vince ka na!). The shower also showcased the boys from laguna, who incidentally were kabarkada’s of the ex and even included the bride’s ex-future brother in law (that’s the bride’s exes brother if you got lost in translation). I’m glad that even though my friend was getting married to someone else they still came over to wish her well and show her that they were still friends inspite of her not ending up with their friend. Oh and incidentally, the group included the married guy who first proposed to me when he was dead drunk and out of his mind. Oh yes, we were part of the sangkalan of the night. We ended at about 7am the next day after consuming three bottles of gin and a bottle of tequila, neither of which the bride drank because she had her own little bottle of non-alcoholic apple juice brought especially for her by Jonah. Since the bride conked out of sheer exhaustion and the MOH out of sheer drunkenness thanks to Vera’s wonderful memory and suggestion of playing “I Never”, I ended up being hostess by default. Good thing my tolerance for alcohol hasn’t changed much over the years, otherwise it would be embarrassing for all the people we invited over if the three main party throwers were all incapacitated. I’ve noticed that as people get more drunk they make more sense. We covered everything from love and fidelity, to annulment and religion to politics to nonsense everyday things. And as always after the party ended the spirit of Cinderella possessed me again and I made sure everything was cleaned up so that they wouldn’t have to worry about that. I’m not sure what it is but I just can’t stand a dirty party place. Or maybe that’s just the effect of alcohol in me. Instead of making me sleepy it makes me wanna clean…lols.

QUOTABLE QUOTES from a night full of surprises

Me: Len, eternity ring ba yan?
Len: Oo, pero kulang na ng dalawa e, kaya forever ring na lang siya! Pag tatlo o pata na lang ang natira maghihiwalay na kami!

Jonah: Gurls, what’s a blog?
ALL OF US: WAAATTT???
O siya sige na Jonah, may sarili ka na ngang mundo…

Len: Hmph, pasalamat siya matanda na yung driver!
Len on her hubby telling her to just ask the driver to fetch her because he was still out wit his friends in Makati

Dondie: I never did it on top of a mountain.
Reejay: Ayus a, manadya ba? (takes the obligatory drink for the game). I never did it in a movie house.
Dondie: A ganun ha. Maglaglagan na daw ba?
Reejay and Dondie while playing “I Never”

Vera: Uy Avel, este Ben pala…
Yes, we all cringed when she did that not once but twice that night…

Manong guard of the condo: Kelan ang kasal ni Ma’am VJ?
Me: Sa Thursday po.
Manong guard of the conde: Parang ang bilis niya ikasal. Akala ko si Avel ang makakatuluyan nya.
Me: Inabutan ninyo si Avel manong?!
Manong guard of the condo: Oo naman, 4 years na ako dito e. Inabutan ko pa nga kayo nung indi pa kayo gradweyt at iba-iba pa nga ang mga kasama ninyong lalake nun e. Kita nga kita nung buntis ka pa. Di ba kasama mo baby mo dito minsan?
Oh my god, if he remembers us from the days and times gone by with the people of the days and times gone by… yikes!

Ben: Dib a ikaw yung kapatid ni Avel?
Alven: Oo. Bakit?
Ben: La naman, gusto ko lang sabihin na walang kaso sa kin yun.
*insert-sigh-of-relief from everyone at the table*
Taas kamay ako sa iyo Ben.

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While we were waiting for the party to get started we took some pixies of us in our gowns and yes, we all looked so cute. And out of inspiration, was thinking of using sea colors for my beach wedding…

I’ll upload the pixies as soon as their sent to me.

Tygy’s barog looked so cute! I can’t wait for Thursday :)

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Lövey’s in the states for the next two weeks and then to Singapore. I’m nor sure for what but I envy him the luxury of his lifestyle. And no, he hasn’t emailed me the pictures yet…

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The “I Never” drinking game highlights that had everybody holding their breath to see who would drink up. And no, I haven’t even done a fifth of this…

1. I’ve never done it on a mountain top
2. I’ve never done it in a theater
3. I’ve never done it in my dad’s office
4. I’ve never done it in a moving vehicle
5. I’ve never done it with sex toys
6. I’ve never done it with a teacher
7. I’ve never done it and videotaped it
8. I’ve never masturbated more than 5 times a day
9. I’ve never had a threesome
10. I’ve never had an orgy
11. I’ve never done it high
12. I’ve never done it with other people in the same room
13. I’ve never done it in a pool
14. I’ve never done it on the beach
15. I’ve never pretended to be drunk just to kiss somebody

Just a note, honesty rules in this game especially if most of your misadventures happened with a witness who’s sitting at the same table and yes, you’d never expect the people drink up when they did.

CHEERS TO TOMORROW!

2004-08-12T03:54:00.000+08:00

Theme songs of your life by eponine
your name?
love song:	i dont wanna wait - paula cole
depressing song:	you were meant for me - jewel
party song:	crazy - britney spears
what-the-hell-ever song:	nobody's fool - avril lavigne
your life	perfect day - hoku

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Sometimes, these little quizzes do surprise me.

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Ali's party last saturday went really well. Food was ok, pries were great and the cake was to die for. Saw lots of Lövey's relatives and got to say hi. Tygy even asked who his dad was and it was only at that time that I realized that Lövey had never formally introduced his dad. So I go "Oh, that's uhm... "(BIG, BIG SILENCE HERE while looking around expectantly for help), and his dad thankfully goes "Lolo". Whew. And speaking of renaming people, Lövey felt like instilling his position in Tygy's life by teaching him to recognize him.

Lövey (to tygy): "Where's your daddy?"
Tygy (with a straight face): "I don't know"
Lövey(pointing to himself): "I'm your daddy. Where's your daddy?"
Tygy(pointing to Lövey: "There."

And in the car on the way home after I got Tygy settled in this happened.

Tygy: "Where's daddy, mommy?"
Wytchgurl: "He's inside the restaurant with Ali and Aiden."
Tygy: "I want to see him."
Wytchgurl (on the phone to Lövey): "Hinahanap ka ng anak mo bwiset ka. Talk to him.

And I don't know what Lövey said but Tygy just kept nodding his head and saying yes and then said bye. Oh, I so love the men in my life.

Oh, and no just for your information, his obsessively-in-love-with-him-ex-best-friend didn't make a scene. And no, she wasn't as ugly as he claimed her to be either. She seemed rather nice but then again I didn't get a chance to talk to her.

Spent the night over at his house reminiscing while he packed his things. We both will miss his room because it holds so many, many memories for us both. Goodbye room.

The day before he left, wehe gave me money to pay some of my credit card bills. Actually when he handed me the money he told me I could do whatever I wanted with it. So naturally, I paid my cards. However we totally negated that by charging them all out with a P900 that we bought for his sister. Yes, he bought his sister a phone and no, I am not jealous. Little gadgety things were'nt really my thing anyways. I'd prefer to just buy a pc set instead of a new cellphone. Or a dvd player and stereo set. Anyways, he will be sending me the money his brother-in-law will send to cover the cost of the phone and so I need a crash course on how to get money from money transfers.

He left yesterday afternoon. I left him cards at the front desk which he is supposed to open on the plane, on his first night there and on the eve of the first week that he's there. Thanks to Frienship for helping me pick up the cards and reassuring me that No, they weren't too mushy. And yes, he remembered to call before he left and say goodbye to his son.

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BOSSING aka Randy has been pirated away by another company and so will be doing copnsultancy work for us. I feel like our captain has abandoned us in rough waters. It feels like we suddenly got promoted without us even knowing it. I miss BOSSING. Like Friendhip said "nagselos ako when BOSS told us that BOSSING would be handling a new team". We forwarded the message to BOSSING and after he had me translate it, he said "Why is she jealous?" and I answered "Because WE"RE your team." to which he replied "aww, that's sweet".

Indi sweet yun bossing totoo yun!

Now, we're working independently and man, it's scary. There are assignments we need to finish and I'm not used to not having someone guide me through what to do.

Come back BOSSING, we need you here.

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Cramming for school reports. I just need to finish this week and everything will be a bit easier - I hope. MUST NOT PROCRASTINATE

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Bridal shower on saturday and yes, I got to contact the stripper - YAY!. I just need to know if we all can afford him though. I haven't found my shoes for the dress and Tygy needs pants and shoes and a haircut. And Soulsissy and I want to go to a spa before her wedding. So many things, so little time. And I miss out on blogger's night. Nuts.

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Today's little ray of sunshine:

Dude: "Thanks for being a mushroom"
Wytchgurl: "What do you mean?"
Dude: "For popping out of nowhere"

Thanks Dude, for giving me a little bit of sunshine today. Buti na lang I saw Arla had ym no? Now I will demand that Bug C give me that option too.

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ON HIATUS UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING NEXT WEEK! or until Lövey sends me the pics of us...

MORE ♥♥♥ DRAMA

2004-08-07T02:10:00.000+08:00

Suffice to say that we began the day with one of us driving huffily off into the wild blue yonder and we ended the day again with one of us driving huffily off into the wild blue yonder. However, one good thing that did happen was that I wrote him a letter (and I folded it into a ♥! lols) expressing how and why I felt the way that I did and we have talked most of it over and he has allayed a lot of the things that I was worrying about and things were ok for the most part. Until we got to the point that we pissed each other off and one of us huffily drove off.

♥♥♥Mahal ko, mag-aaway na lang ba tayo ng mag-aaway bago ~~mo ako iwanan~~ ka umalis?

I ♥ U IAN, even on the days when we really piss each other off and fight horridly and hurt each other with the things we do and say. I told you before that I’m not perfect L♥vey, and I never will be. There will be a lot, lot more things that we do that will piss and annoy each other. But I’m staying right here. Even in the times when you clam up and refuse to answer my calls and reply to my texts because you’re so angry at me. I ♥ U even then.♥♥♥

And I’m not saying that because I feel like playing the martyr S.O.

I"LL EVEN MISS OUR LITTLE SKIRMISHES

2004-08-06T04:01:00.000+08:00

”It takes genuine love to remain loyal despite everyday frictions and occasional outbursts”. – from Drakulita’s blog

Yes he saw me today. I say only he instead of we, because at that time I was having my eyelashes permed at a salon, so when he finally got in from taking the kids to the Manila Zoo (had he told me of this plan I would have suggested the Avignon Zoo in montalban as they have more animals) my eyes were taped shut. He scared me shitless by kissing me while I was lying there eyes glued shut (oo na, sige na, kinilig ako, ok!). However he was upset with having to wait for me because and I quote “I thought you wanted to talk”. Well hell yeah but hadn’t arrived yet and at the time he said he was somewhere on C5. Well, as C5 is from UP all the way to the airport I decided that I didn’t really want to sit somewhere alone and get hit on by weirdos, I decided to go and get some beauty errands done. Anyway that culminated with him leaving me there in a huff and going to get his appliances at home. Yup, he’s bringing his appliances to hongky tofu town with him. Yes, I know it’s weird but to each his own I guess. So anyway since we parted off huffily, I decided to call him as soon as I got to the office. Whenever we fight and I call him first he never answers me with hello. He always starts off with “I Love You”.

♂: I love you. Are we just going to keep on fighting until I leave lovey? Why can’t we just keep on kissing so we don’t fight?
♀: I love you too. I’m sorry but this is very hard for me and you’re not actually dispelling my fears and worries by always being too busy to sit down and really talk to me. I need something I can understand L♥vey and something I can explain when I’m asked where you are and what our plans are for the future.

I just want him to explain his plan in a way that I can understand. I mean what happens when my mom or my grandma asks what our plans are and I say something like “Well, he’s coming back in November and we’ll talk then.” They’re gonna look at me and say “Hay naku, sabi na sa iyo wag kang magboyfriend dito e! Hinahanap ka na nga ng americanong ipapakasal sa iyo ng makaalis ka na dito tapos magboboyfriend lang din pala ng hilaw pa ang plano!”. It sounds harsh but I swear they will be chorusing that or something along those lines. But well we’re supposed to have breakfast together later. Unless something comes up again. Oh and he said that the reason he didn’t want breakfast yesterday was because he wanted to surprise me by visiting me at home. Right. I’m sorry but I feel like he was just trying to come up with some excuse I’d take since I told him explicitly that I was going to stay at dad’s house today and if you weren’t a friend from college you wouldn’t know how to get there, so hence how did he even think he would have pulled that off? Anyway we’ll see what happens after work then.

Sometimes I think about going through with his insane suggestion of getting married before he leaves but at this point there isn't any legal way we can do that. I remember telling him that we need to file for the license at city hall about a month before we get married and he said he didn't know that with an "Ows?" full of skepticism. I remember kissing his first before telling him "Believe me L♥vey, I know the ins and out of getting married and getting an annullment." Remember that. I took a whole semester on that so yes, I do know what I'm talking about.

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I have the dress I’m wearing for the wedding already!!! Yes I do. No, it doesn’t look horrid. I can’t wait for the wedding. Now I just need to find a pair of silvery sandals and some pearls to go with it.

I still haven’t been able to contact out stripper for the shower and if I don’t get one by Monday we’ll have a joint shower for the bride and the groom! Cornets naman! Someone help me find a stripper!!!

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Arvin’s on strike 2. Yesterday I asked him to get me a chicken kariman and he came back with tuna. Today Bossing treated us to mickey D’s and I asked for a mcchicken sandwich and Arvino gets me a Chicken Mcdo. I better not ask him to order me anything tomorrow. I’ll cry if he gets it wrong again…

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Today’s bloopers on the floor:

American Bossing (and I swer this is what he said!): I want a fiss sandwich.
Friendship: A fist sandwich?
American Bossing (waving fist at friendship): You want a fist sandwish missy?
Laughter from everyone else here.

Wytchgurl: (insert-company-name-here) this is Ingrid.
Lady on the Phone: Norman please
Wytchgurl: Who is speaking please?
Lady on the Phone: This is Jennifer.
Wytchgurl: Hold on one moment please. (call is transferred over to the BOSS)
Friendship: Was that Jennifer?
Wytchgurl: Jennifer Weiner? Yeah.
Friendship: Isn’t it Williams?
Wytchgurl: Weiner, Williams, Whatever. Basta si Jennifer!
Laughter again…

****
Friendship's off to Bora for her friend's beach wedding. Inggit ako! I hope friendship gets me earrings again :)

****
Thanks to Lizette for reminding how music always helps to soothe me when I’m upset.

Love Song
311

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Out of My League
Stephen Speaks

It's her hair and her eyes today
That just simply take me away
And the feeling that I'm falling further in love
Makes me shiver but in a good way
All the times I have sat and stared
As she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
And she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
With me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
But I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause I'm speechless to say what I'm feeling today
But I'm out of my league once again
It's a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
As the world spins around her she laughs, rolls her eyes
And I feel like I'm falling but it's no surprise
That I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands
Cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
But I'd rather be here than on land
And she's all that I see and she's all that I need
And I'm out of my league once again

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNYBEAR-ICE-PRINCESS!!!!

2004-08-05T05:27:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNYBEAR-ICE-PRINCESS!!!

See sweety, we didn't forget you. Mishu so much girl.

CONFESSIONS OF AN EMOTIONALLY NEGLECTED SIGNIFICANT OTHER

2004-08-05T03:59:00.000+08:00

Just a background so you understand why I’m feeling this way. I have a shitty schedule. I do. My schedule right now revolves around work, school, the occasional night out with friends (occasional in the form of maybe once a month if I’m lucky!), my mom’s social activities and Sundays to take my son out and occasionally to meet with my support group. As I do not have a maid it’s a little tight when it comes to scheduling things. I can’t do spur of the moment out of towns like I used to do when I was single (in the without a child sense mind you). I don’t do “Hey-gurl-if-you-aren’t-busy-let’s-go-somewhere-wherever-we-don’t-care-God-knows-when-we’ll-be-back” trips with my other friends anymore. Or even for that matter make plans for the next three days until I can check and see if it won’t clash with my mom’s plans. Ah the scheduling joys of single parenting.

Monday mornings are now reserved for tutoring an LD child (that’s learning disabled for you) for my Sat class. And then Mon-Fri nights I have work in the evenings, Tues Fri and Sat afternoons I have MA classes (before work on the weekdays and I hate Tuesdays because my car is coded so I float on maybe 5 hours of sleep and on Saturdays it’s an earlier class so yes I get maybe another 5 hours of sleep before that if I’m lucky). Most mornings I rush home to make sure I see my son before I conk out so my free time basically is nada since all the other so-called free hours are either spent with my son, studying or just getting enough sleep. So where does Lövey come in? I make time before my shift and if we’re lucky I can manage to have a hit-and-run breakfast. So what is the reason for this post then if not to validate how shitty my schedule is?

You probably read in my previous post that Lövey will be leaving for an indefinite time period to work in honky tofu town and we have 6 days left together. In those 6 days, I cannot see us having anymore QT time together. Saturday is his nieces birthday party, so there’s no chance of any time together there since I’ll be bringing my son along as well. Sunday I have to make a paper due on Tuesday. Mondays doesn’t look good since my work starts an hour earlier than usual and he’s leaving possibly Tuesday. I wanted to have a last-ditch breakfast-QT-ironing-out-the-fine-details-talk with him tomorrow morning. Since I have to go to my dad’s house, I had a little more time to play around with. I had told him already earlier this evening of my plan and it was already ok and good to go. Until he texted me at around 1am that he had to babysit his niece and that breakfast was off. I was so upset I started crying to Friendship. I feel so frustrated at our inability to even get together properly without me having to rush off to work. I just want SOME time alone with him. To talk things over. Because I have a lot of fears about LDR’s. I need some kind of a blueprint to follow. As of now there are not any concrete plans. Just that he’ll try to be here for my birthday but he isn’t sure if he’ll be back to stay then. And what then? Like I was told before, loving each other isn’t and will never be enough.

I don’t know if I’m just jinxed when it comes to falling in love. I had thought that this time it would work. That I would get treated like any other loved S.O. would (not that I’m saying that he doesn’t love me or treat me right or that the Dude didn’t treat me right but there were some who yes, unfortunately for me treated me like shit) but it’s just that I have my own ideas based on what I always felt that an S.O. should treat me plus how I see my other girlfriends being treated. And it’s not that he never treated me right but it feels like there were just a lot of things that were all left in the planning stage that we never got around to doing. That looks like it will never get done at this point. I don’t expect much to be honest. I expected movies and dinner dates. Conversations over coffee. Sitting under the stars talking about tomorrow. Long drives to nowhereville. Window shopping for furniture we’d like to have. Getting doled up for someone every now and then. Someone to fetch me occasionally from school and to share isaw with. Surprise treats at home. Little notes left in my bag or in a book I’m reading. Choosing our other children’s names. Being able to go out with my friends and not feel like a third wheel. They don’t always make me feel that way but it’s just hard sometimes not to feel it every once in a while, especially when you’re the only single one there. When you see your friend couples being sweet or when someone pulls you a chair or opens a door for you in a group setting, you wish that somehow someone would be there for you that way that you see other couples being there for each other. I wish for very simple things. And it cuts me down to the very marrow of my bones that I thought at last I would be able to experience that in totality and then to suddenly find out that I have to give it up just when I was beginning to really enjoy it.

Again, if I can sacrifice my attendance at school and at work just to be with him when he asks me to, why then can he not spend 3 freaking hours to have breakfast and talk to me? I’m not used to playing the role of the demanding bitchy S.O. but given the situation that he leaves in 6 days and we haven’t even ironed out how we’re going to communicate regularly can you honestly blame me for crying buckets and buckets out of frustration right now? I’m just wanting some reassuring lambing that we are gonna find a way to somehow make this work and he can’t seem to find time to give me what I need. He seems to be too busy to even compose those killer-sweet texts he used to make for just no reason. And no being who I am, I’m not forcing the issue. If he doesn’t want to have breakfast tomorrow there’s not much I can do. Like with his impromptu leaving. I can bitch and cry all I want but that won’t change the fact that he has to leave.

I’ve always been someone who was tolerant of the way other people were but at the same time I know that at this point I deserve at the very least to have some time with him to at least iron things out. He accused me of always wanting out at the very first sign of a problem but only because he makes me feel like it’s my burden to carry. And at this point I have enough as it is. I don’t any more shit complicating my life. And I can’t afford to wing anything anymore so if he doesn’t give me some kind of a plan, maybe we better think twice about all of this…

I will go on blind faith for as long as I can but God knows one can only take so much. Though this post from Evie gave me some hope and if she and her husband survived it this far maybe, just maybe I have a fighting chance too…

love, true love, is not complicated. it is complex, because it has many facets. but it is not complicated. it just is. and people tend to overlook that. amidst all the labels for relationships, our personal scars and insecurities, our boundaries, the rules we set up for relationships.

what the common mistake is that we limit love. we try to confine it. we try to compartmentalize its functions. but in order to really experience it, the walls and compartments and borders have to go. now, this isn't easy. those barricades are set up because we refuse to believe that everything in love is that simple. but it really is. we just have to trust it.

****
Friendship, thank you. I may not tell you enough but I do appreciate the fact that you’re always there when I need someone to talk to and that you’re always ready to listen and be there for me when I need to cry and you never fail to always give me perspective and you always, always, always make me feel that I’m not as insane as other people make me feel and think that I am. I LOVE YOU STEPHEROO!!!! *HUGS*

BREEDING GROUNDS FOR INSANITY AND OTHER ILLNESSES

2004-08-04T03:47:00.000+08:00

Sorry for being AWOL, my unexpected hiatus came in the form of sneezing wheezes, an extremely sore throat, a hit or miss fever and occasional asthma. Yup, I’ve been sick of the real illness version and not just being my usual insane self.

****
I’ll be busting my ass off for schoolwork in the next couple of weeks, papers are looming over the horizon, graying my already stormy skies, just so you know. Plus read on and see why I need to bury myself in some form of distraction.

He is leaving.. Yes, you heard me right. Due to unforeseen circumstances in the realm of family responsibilities, he will need him to be in honky tofu town. He is leaving. In one week. He told me last Sunday so, I only have seven days left and then he flies off to honky tofu town in an “Oh-I-dunno-when-I’ll-be-back-love-but-it’s-gonna-be-at-least-three-months-and-I’m-not-sure-if-I’ll-make-your-birthday-in-November-we’ll-see” estimation. Crap. And no matter how much I bitch and cry over it, it’s not gonna change much. He’s leaving. And that’s that. To top that off, I’m feeling like a neglected S.O. already and he isn’t even gone yet! I need that huge calendar that I can mark big X’s on for every day I survive this LDR, (if I even do survive it!) and as I have mentioned I have never really done well in that kind of a thing.

I have one week to forget how safe I felt in his arms, how his kisses used to take my breath away, how easy it was to fall asleep with his arms around me, to feeling just how much he loved me in the big and little things he used to do every singe day.

If I knew that we’d have such little time together, I sometimes wish I held back. Less pain that way. Forgive me for being selfish. I’m hurting and with all the shit I’ve been through (and I think I’ve done more than is fair) I’d like to avoid any situation that entails tears and heartbreak.

****
It seems like this is my year for losing people in some form or another. A lot of friends have left and its seems to be the season for losing a lot of loved ones…I feel so alone.

"being alone is the breeding ground for insanity...." from Zeus’s blog

Okay, if that is true and I’m already insane with people what more when I’m alone?!?! Hello, funny farm here I come then.

****
I’m drowning myself in local-rock-lurvshit-songs like I always do when my heart hurts and I feel bad.

****
Thank you for remembering. It was a simple thing but it meant a lot to me. It was my little ray of sunshine today. You know who you are :)

****
Friendship come back to the night group! I need you! F2=help nga di ba!

THUMB CONVERSATIONS (THE ORIGINAL) AND SNIPPETS OF THE MANYAKS GÜRLS ♥♥♥

2004-07-29T01:39:00.000+08:00

I seem to still be in wedding-stress mode. My mind seems clogged up so I’ll post this instead. Incidentally it is somehow related to the events happening now. This is the original THUMB CONVERSATIONS piece that I wrote for my creativity class last year. The people are real however the events stated are mostly fictitious and most of the dialogue may at one point or another actually happened. Enjoy ü.

Characters:
Bella - fashion magazine writer who has just been through a string of bad relationships
Eve – Bella’s bestfriend who runs a café on Katipunan
Lisa – petshop owner and dog breeder, barkada of Bella and Eve
Tori – preschool teacher at an international school, also part of the aforementioned barkada
Kitty – Eve’s sister who designs web pages and plays in a band
Rocky – Bella’s younger sister who is engaged to be married
Justin – Rocky’s fiancee and Bella’s soon to be brother-in-law, owns several businesses including a meat shop, an ice cream stand and a bakery
Mike - Bella’s most recent relationship disaster
JD – Kitty’s chatmate and possible blind date to Bella

August 4, 2003 1:45PM
Message conversation between Bella and Eve
Bella: m bck frm Palawan. gmk nmn tyo gurls. i wnt to show off my new tanü
Eve: tara haven’t been out in a while. eastwood k lang?
Bella: fyn by me. text m n the gurls din k?
Eve: sure. 8pm tyo sa jack’s loft on fri. tyo tyo lang or r we wid dates?
Bella: just us pls. m not 2 keen to d8 again after the mike disaster
Eve: sure sweetie. no prob. c u fri. ü

August 4, 2003 1:58PM
Message conversation between Eve and Lisa
Eve: pssst! ano gawa mo?
Lisa: m playing wid d dogs. y?
Eve: Bella wants to go out daw on fri. jack’s loft daw sa libis at 8
Lisa: k. she’s back na pla
Eve: kakadating lang nya now
Lisa: ah ok. cge fri at 8.
Eve: us gurls lang daw. no boys allowed.
Lisa: haha ok.

August 4, 2003 2:35PM
Message conversation between Eve and Tori
Eve: lokah! tpos n b klas mo? gmk daw tyo fri s eastwood. Bella’s back na.
Tori: yup. kakataps k lng ng class now. saan s fri?
Eve: jack’s loft daw 8pm. no dates. allergic n nmn si Bell’s s boys
Tori: ganun?! hay naku. o sige, us gurls n lng. hanap n lng tyo ng boys dun. hehe.

August 6, 2003 3:30PM
Message conversation between Rocky and Bella
Rocky: ate r u bck n b? ur supossed 2 get fitted 4 ur dress na l8r.
Bella: cnt l8r may meeting ako 2nyt
Rocky: ATE!!! u nd 2 b fitted na dis week
Bella: ok fyn. fri na lang m free.
Rocky: don’t be l8 ha

August 6, 2003 5:10PM
Message conversation between Rocky and and Justin
Rocky: baby, ate cnt make it 2nyt daw. may mtng sya. fri daw sya pde magfit
Justin: naku lagot sya dun sa designer. bitch daw yun sa skeds e…
Rocky: ok lang yun baby. mas bitch nmn si ate pag galit. c u l8r. luv u ü

August 7, 2003 10:00AM
Message conversation between Kitty and JD
Kitty: nice chattin wd u last nyt dude. hope 2 catch 1 f ur gigs soon.
JD: same here. heard good reviews abt ur music
Kitty: heheü tnx. we’re playing millennia 2mrw nyt. bka pde ka
JD: sige ala nmn kmi gig 2mrw. c u

August 8,2003 4:30PM
Message conversation between Bella and Rocky
Bella: Rocks wat tym sa fitter? may gmk ako l8r ng 8
Rocky: 6pm. dnt b l8 ate. the designer is a bitch abt fitting skeds
Bella: really now? wanna see who can be a better bitch? superbitch is HERE! lols…
Rocky: ATE! DON’T EVEN TRY!!!
Bella: just kiddin. luv u baby girl ü
Rocky: luv u 2. dnt be l8!

August 8,2003 7:45PM
Message conversation between Bella and Eve
Bella: m n my way na there gurls. had 2 fit my dress 4 d wedding e. Rocks is gng nuts na. 2 much wedding planning stress…haaayyyy
Eve: k lng. gng there p lng ko, Tori is on her way n dn pro trafk daw. Lisa naliligo pa e.
Bella: okies be there in abt 25. dnt take too long ha, bka nmn may mamickup n nmn s kin… naliligo pa lang si Lisa? omygawd she’s gna be l8r than me 2nyt!
Eve: hahaha kü

August 8,2003 8:10PM
Message conversation between Bella and Lisa
Bella: lokah bat ngayon ka p lng naliligo?!?!
Lisa: paalis n ko. in d car na. ü
Bella: haha some1s always more late than me hehe
Lisa: gaga ngayon mo lang ako naunahan ha

August 8, 2003 8:25PM
Message conversation between Bella and Tori
Bella: wru na lokah?! m sitting here na. ala p kyo lahat!!
Tori: parking n ko. wer r d gurls?
Bella: dunno pa pero nakaalis n daw Eve and nakaalis n dn Lisa. faster nga the group of guys at the other table keep looking here na!
Tori: yay BOYS! indi n ntn kelangan humanap later
Bella: gaga they’re all urs. ala nmn cute e…

August 9,2003 2:30AM
Message conversation between Kitty and JD
JD: nice mtng u pare. ayus ang tugtugan nyo
Kitty: same here. tnx 4 d nice words. btw u seeing an1 b?
JD: not really y?
Kitty: la lng. ksi knina wen we wer talking naisip ko ud b perfect 4 my frend…yun nga lng mdyo allergic p sya s guys now. psycho ksi ex nya e.
JD: really? hmmm she sounds interesting…
Kitty: she is. game k b 2 mit wid her?
JD: sureü

August 9,2003 3:16AM
Message conversation between Bella and Eve
Bella: tnx so much gurls. i misd u guysü
Eve: anytime sisterfriend. luv uü
Bella: watch nmn tyo gig ni Kit’s next time, mis k n din yun
Eve: oo b. il ask wen ulit sila may gig

August 9,2003 3:18AM
Message conversation between Bella and Tori
Bella: ingat pauwi ha. luv uü
Tori: tnx. kaw din ha. sure k u don’t wnt 2 get d guys #?
Bella: ngerks urs n lng. hes not my type
Tori: haha ok

August 9,2003 3:20AM
Message conversation between Bella and Lisa
Bella: b careful gng hme. mishu
Lisa: u 2. thankies sa pasalubong. love them.
Bella: haha next tym ur l8r than me il giv u a prize
Lisa: watafriend! luv ü gürl

August 9,2003 11:23AM
Message conversation between Kitty and Bella
Kitty: Bellsy gurl u up n ba?
Bella: that depends…
Kitty: on wat?
Bella: hus asking.
Kitty: ayus a.
Bella: haha morning grump p me
Kitty: k lng. i just met some1 last nyt ksi and id like 4 u 2 mit him
Bella: ah ok. naks nmn may potential ba ito?
Kitty: oo no MALAKI ang potential…
Bella: hmmm ingat lang dyan. paper perfect people are usually psycho in person…
Kitty: ngek. indi nmn siguro no. so wen u free ba?
Bella: im not doing anything l8r nmn
Kitty: il cnfrm lng wid him text kita agad

August 9,2003 11:30AM
Message conversation between Kitty and JD
Kitty: dude u up?
JD: yeah y?
Kitty: she said she’d mit wid u daw and she’s nt doing anything 2nyt
JD: ayus.
Kitty: il let u know wer ha. ask k lng sya
JD: ok

August 9, 2003 11:45AM
Message conversation between Kitty and Bella
Kitty: uy mit mo n sya 2nyt.
Bella: ok wer ba later?
Kitty: uhmmm italiannis sa g3? arnd 830
Bella: k fyn wid me

August 9, 2003 12:36PM
Message conversation between Kitty and JD
Kitty: dude she said ok, italiannis at 830 dnt b l8. she gets picked up a lot wen she sits at a table alone e
JD: will do. talaga? she must be quite a looker pla
Kitty: she is no. she looks like a certain boldstar that shall remain nameless, guess mo n lng l8r hu she looks like. aside frm being pretty, she’s smart and interesting pa.
JD: naks nmn promote to the max ha
Kitty: oo no totoo lahat yan. promise u wnt regret it
JD: haha i dnt doubt it nmn

August 9, 2003 1:00PM
Message conversation between Kitty and Eve
Kitty: u wnt bliv wat i jst did…
Eve: i dnt lyk d sound of dat. wat hav u done ba?
Kitty: i jst got Bella 2 go on a blind date widout her knowing it!!! m such a genius…
Eve: gaga ka tlga! ok b nmn yung date nun? sa kin magagalit yun pag palpak yan
Kitty: promise she wont regret this guy
Eve: u better make sure, indi lang ako aawayin nun pag psycho yan

August 9, 2003 8:25PM
Message conversation between Bella and Kitty
Bella: san n kyo?
Kitty: hes on d way na daw
Bella: e kaw?
Kitty: may gig ako 2nyt e
Bella: wat? e bat ko pa siya imemeet if ala ka?
Kitty: ayus na yun. meet mo na din siya no. ok na guy yan. e’s nice, smart, interesting and cute pa. he has no psycho tendencies whatsoever
Bella: dis suspiciously feels very much like a setup. ur not here nd ur promoting him.
Kitty: a setup? in wat sense a setup?
Bella:gaga ka talaga! u set me up on a blind date?!?!?! i shdve known
Kitty: Bells give him a chance. ok to i promise…
Bella: so was Mike in the beginning and look wat he turned out to b? psycho ex from hell…
Kitty: i cn tell u now hes nothing like Mike
Bella: myt as well. m here na sa g3 e. just hope hes not descended from frankenstein…
Kitty: sira k tlga. guwapo ito no. ive seen him na kaya
Bella: in the light of day o nighttime lang? bka nmn iba istura nya sa dilim ha!
Kitty: he’s there na daw. lemme know wat happens ha
Bella: hmpf u cn b sure of dat

August 10,2003 1:58AM
Message conversation between Bella and JD
Bella: twas really nice mtng u. i ddnt thnk id enjoy myself but i did. thanksü
JD: tnx. Kitty said I wdnt regret mtng up wid u. gdnyt and sweet dreamsü

August 10,2003 2:14AM
Message conversation between Bella and Kitty
Bella: gaga u up p b?
Kitty: oo no, wat hapend?
Bella: not as horrid as i imagined it 2 b. guys may have some redeeming qualities after all… he does have potential…
Kitty: yehesss. may date ka na sa wedding ni Rocks…
Bella: nyarks a little premature to tell ha pero we’ll see
Kitty: omygawd Bella is dat u? wers d man hating bitch we know? joke lang. luv ü

October 17, 2003 5:00PM
Message conversation between Rocky and Bella
Rocky: ATE!!! WRU NA?!?!?! EVERYONE IS HERE NA!!!!
Bella: m n my way na. wait lang pde?!
Rocky: FASTER ATE FASTER!!!!!!

October 17,2003 5:10PM
Message conversation between JD and Bella
JD: hunny wru na? we have start the ceremony already…
Bella: m n my way na hunny. sabi ksi sa yo let’s elope na lang e…

****
Here are the Manyaks Gürls. Yes, we are all gorgeous. ü

One of the many parties at the condo

Hanging out at the college steps

Running out of town

BRIDAL SHOWERS, MORE WEDDING NEWS, SPA'S AND OTHER DE-STRESSING ACTIVITIES...

2004-07-28T02:13:00.000+08:00

MARDI JUILLET 27, 2004

We found a new way to post. Yay, and hopefully this doesn’t get blocked or crashes anytime soon. Dammit you to hell, bumibingo ka na sa kin you measly little BUG, I won’t even mention the fact that you’re so greedy you won’t even consider sharing your office parking slot so that we are now forced me to not bring a car to work because it isn’t cost effective anymore!!!!! Met up with L♥vey today at his hotel and since he wasn’t finished working out at the gym when I got there (yes, he feels he’s getting fat and he feels like he needs to be something I can be proud off even if I have assured him that I like my men meaty and huggable and not in the ultra-uber buff way), did some on the side shopping for school and health and beauty supplies to bring the Island-Princess back. (insert-Friendships-cheers-here). Stopped over at the beauty bar to try on some stuff I read in Cosmo and then joined L♥vey for some de-stressing activities. I won’t post too many details here and leave the rest to your imagination but one thing I will say is that I absolutely loved the bubbles! ü Thanks L♥vey, for appreciating the fact that I ran my coded car out after 3 to get to your hotel (where coding is whole day) when you knew I had no gas and that I would have to pass all of MMDA-filled EDSA (na hanggang smile na lang ako in hopes that they don’t notice my plate ends in 4!) to go and see you.

Oh and yes, he got me the crocheted bags and the pili nuts I asked for. Thanks for remembering them Lövey. I really appreciate the fact that you got pasalubong for me, my mom, my sis and my baby. I L♥♥♥VE Ü!!!

****
Copied this from Düde’s site:

You're Metamorphosis of Narcissus!

You're bright, philosophical and creative, but you
don't always get the attention you deserve.

Which Salvador Dali Painting Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I’ve always appreciated surreal art more than the traditionalists.

****
CONGRATULATIONS AND BEST WISHES TO AUDREY WHO IS ALSO GOING TO BE A BRIDE AND MOMMY! Miss na kita gags, magpapababy shower din tayo para sa iyo!

Sometimes I feel like I did things backwards. I got preggers right out of college and now that I’m getting my balance back and trying to catch on the things that I missed out on, everyone is either getting married, getting preggers or going to the states now. Am I on the wrong train?!?!?

****
I want to treat my Soülsissy to a pre-wedding spa treatment where we can get facials, massages, foot scrubs and stuff for kikay and de-stressing so that we will look über-gorgeous for the wedding. I’m just not sure where to go as I have never had a facial done in my whole life. I was trying to look for somewhere nice on the net and I came across Nurture Spa but it’s all the way in Tagaytay and we really don’t think that driving back into hell-traffic is the best thing to do after a spa treatment. If there’s anyone there who knows a good spa place that’s just around QC or Makati at the farthest PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW ASAP!. It’s going to be my bridal shower gift for her.

****
And speaking of Bridal showers, the um ~~stripper~~ bridal entertainment guy for the shower who is said to look like Jomari Yllana, has not replied. Damn! Where am I going to find a you-know-what now? Oh and if anyone knows how to throw a bridal shower again, PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW ASAP!. I’ve never been to one, as most of my friends have done the over Christmas-wedding things when we were in school and the others have done a civil but not church wedding so no bridal shower either. I have no idea how to throw it, what games to play and how to make sure everyone has FUN!. Please let me know if you have any suggestions. I’ll find ways to pay you back promise!!!

****
Soloflite my diet isn’t working! I’m eating MORE now! Dammit. Like Düde said, happy couples get FAT! So, it looks like we’ll have to postpone the nude portrait plans until I get into some kind of shape that hopefully isn’t round anymore.

MORE BLAST FROM THE PAST THUMB CONVERSATIONS AND HOW TO GET MARRIED IN A MONTH

2004-07-28T01:09:00.000+08:00

LUNDI, JUILLET 26, 2004

I think I’m experiencing wedding stress, and it isn’t even my wedding… Getting thin enough to look good in a turquoise gown, getting my schedule fixed so that I make it for all events. I have to make sure I’m there for the fittings. Tygy still needs to get measured for the barong kasi na OC si Tita Vicky bigla at indi daw nya kaya na iba iba ang look the mga barong sa wedding ni bestfriend! lols. So she’s paying for the barongs of the guys now. Yay! I hope tygy walks down the aisle and that I don’t trip when I light the candles (candle lighter na daw ako since all of the groom’s sisters are bridesmaids). So now, aside form the fittings and the practices, I have to get through my papers, midterms, reading tutorial project and work. Plus I promised to plan the Bridal shower and the pre-wedding bridal preparation a.k.a kakikayan-getting-ready-special at a salon or spa for my Soulsissy. I need a calendar and a pill to stop procrastinating…

I’m starting to have withdrawal depression symptoms now because somehow I feel like I’m losing my bestfriend… (sniff, sniff) I know that she’ll still be there but she’s gonna be a certified “Maybahay” of the moved-out, I’m a momma and a wife kind. And I know that it’s not gonna be the same anymore. She’ll be living a life I’m not familiar with and I can’t guide her through that. We won’t have anymore impromptu out of town roadtrips, drinking sessions, smoke-our-lungs-out-we-hate-boys-coffee-rantings, partees, girly night adventures, beach trips… I’m missing her so much already. I won’t have anywhere to spend lonely Christmas times and Easters with, I won’t be able to go over and get some TLC from them when I’m sick… (okay, I’m gonna stop now before I start flooding the office)… OK, medyo selfish yung rants ko, but I guess I’m just afraid of losing my bestfriend and afraid that our friendship will change. It feels like a rock I’m leaning on has disappeared but I will not begrudge her happiness for my selfish comfort. I l♥ve you Soülsissy. I miss you already. (Tissues please!!!!)

****
I was SMSing Hunny yesterday about my wedding stress and told him that if I had a choice, I’d rather just elope first and then just have the wedding done after. Hunny was surprised at the mention that I wanted to get married to Lovey already and this conversation came out:

Hunny: You’ve known this guy how long again?
Wytchgurl: Not long. But u know me, I’m crazy when I’m in loveü
Hunny: Weird question hun. U dnt hafta answer it. It jst crosd my mind. Wer u ever in love with me?
Wytchgurl: Yes. For a very long time. To the point when everyone though I’d never get over you. Y?
Hunny: Coz I had d same feelin but I dunno if I was able 2 send d msg efektivly?
Wytchgurl: Yes and no. I was so in love with you I could hardly see straight. Lols. Why’d u fall in love with me?
Hunny: Coz u are/wer impeccably gr8. N I know uv always been there. N I “felt” u wen I made love 2 u. I ac2ali mis dat feelin
Hunny: But im rly glad that things are goin wel 4 u.ü im rly hapi 4 u.
Wytchgurl: I hope you know that I’ll always love you and be here for you hun.
Hunny:I love u 2. So much ü
Wytchgurl: One thing I’ve learned is that it’s really different when you make love to someone you really love and care about and that you should be sure when it happens.
Hunny: I was ready n sure. I definitely had feelings 4 u.ü m glad we r d best of friends now.
Wytchgurl: Just curious. If we were so in love with each other. Wat hapend to us? Did we just grow 2 much 2gether or were time and circumstance not on our side?
Hunny: Both. I think d feelings were ther. Fate jst never gave us a chance.

Yup, he is the Unicorn.

The Unicorn theory according to Inigo (Dude’s buddy) as in Inigo of the Polo Club adventure, has a theory that for everyone there will be a Unicorn in our lives. The one person you fall in love with that you never get to be with. The one who will be the great “what-if” in your life. The one you will fondly think of as the boyfriend/husband that never was. Someone who continues to somehow tease and torment you in your memories, because you always, always will wonder about what it could’ve been like had you been together. Because no matter how bad it got it was still good. I’m glad that at least me and my Unicorn are good friends and yes I’m looking forward to our friendship-versary in a few months.

****
Lövey is back. Yay!!!! And he remembered to get me the bags. He actually called me when they were at the store to make sure he was getting the right kind. I can’t wait to see him ~~tomorrow~~ later tonight after coding finishes for my car. Oh and btw, Lövey you better go and get me a new car or lend me your car if you don’t want to buy one yet. I cannot have anymore reoccurrences like earlier this evening especially if I’m alone the next time that it happens… I’m so missing him already. I l♥ve you Lövey. *HUGS AND KISSES TO MAKE YOU WELL Ü*.

****
Last night’s blooper of the night came from Friendship.
Friendship: Randy what does “varied fishing” mean?
Bossing: Varied fishing? Where were you calling?
Friendship: I spoke to some secretary in NC who said he was varied fishing. That he was good at what he did.
Bossing: Don’t you think he said he was very efficient?
Lols. (Insert whole room rolling of our chairs laughing here).

****

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	light up a day
Your touch is...	irresistible
Your smell is...	exotic
Your smile is...	amazing
Your love is...	eternal

Quiz created with MemeGen!

I wonder what my L♥vey has to say about this…

MEETING THE FUTURE POSSIBLES AND THE PARANOIA OF LONELINESS

2004-07-24T03:08:00.000+08:00

Sorry for not updating dear readers I seem to be suffering from some kind of mental constipation or maybe too many things happening and I'm just trying to ride the wave for a while...

Lövey’s mom and sis and niece and nephew are here for the next 6 weeks so he's checked in to the hotel 5 minutes away from the office which means yes more time together with less gas expense! Yay! I now have an excuse to see him before and after work too and spend some cuddly time. Meeting the future possibles went better than I expected as I thought that since he and his ex were together for so long they might not be receptive and extremely critical to meeting someone new but to my surprise they were extremely warm and welcoming. I have been late most of the week because he's been asking me to spend some time with them. I've had dinner and breakfast with them and I have to say that his sister is such a babe. For a thirty-something year old with a 5 and a 2 year old who works as a stewardess her mom skills are amazing. Since she is based in Hong Kong and her husband's in the US the kids speak only English (para napaguusapan sila sa tagalong na indi nila alam daw! lols) and her kids are very cute and they speak really well. Lövey seems to be the favorite tito. Aiden, his 2 year old nephew actually cries if he sees Lövey leaving with me if he takes me to work or drops me off at the parking lot. Aiden looks like a little Japanese samurai, with his chinky eyes, mestizo coloring and long hair which they tie up on his head. If you didn't know him you'd almost think he was a girl. Ali the 5 year old girl seems to somehow be sizing me up somehow, she like all kids are at that precocious stage and is very protective of her tito. She asks a lot of questions and is a very confident child. I hope Tygy gets along with them. He is shy around strangers although he likes playing with other kids, I can’t help but be apprehensive sometime. So we'll be scheduling some swimming time soon and hopefully the kids get along since they could possibly be future cousins... me crosses fingers here

Lövey seems to also be surprised at how his family has reacted to me since he says that they didn't take to the ex as fast and didn't ask as many questions about her as they did me. It probably helps that his sis and I went to the same college so we have a jump-off point conversation-wise and yes my teacher skills seem to be working on the kids and they don't seem to be shy around me. My skills with getting along with my friends and exes moms worked again so yes, his mama does not scare me anymore. At least for the present time.

****
Friendship is exercising like crazy for her friend’s wedding in Bora next month and has resorted to swimming everyday to get tan as she does not want to look pasty in her dress (in fairness it's working! she's getting tan!!) and has taken a dumbbell to work and doing tricep curls in between calls. The creepy white guy aka Bossing caught her in the middle of her session today, then looked over at Arvin and exclaimed "You've started a disgusting trend here." Which reminds me, yes I do have to start losing weight already for the wedding. No more chips tomorrow. And friendship says :"yeah, RIGHT!"

****
Yesterday's blooper of the night came from me after seeing some singer on Arvins's pc who was singing "The Look of Love": "Twenty?! She’s only twenty?! She makes me feel like an ancient dinosaur!"

****
Lövey is in Bicol until Monday. Their family is doing some out of town road-trips and he's the designated driver. I asked to bring back some pili nuts and those nice native handbags. Let's hope he's in elephant mode and doesn't forget :)

****
Survived Day1 of my Lövey being away and yes I SURVIVED! But I'm missing him to bits and he's sick too. I think I'm suffering from separation anxiety the lovesick version...

DAY 2
Traffic sucked today and so in my over-all bad mood of the week, I screamed at the crazy guard at out building who wouldn’t let me pass by the basement when they locked the back doors. As they will not let me park at the basement during my work hours (9PM-5am! Can you imagine that logic?!), I need to park out where it’s not free. And so when all that came together and him in his arrogant tone of “san kayo?” (wala man lang Ma’am e!) I screamed at him of what an annoyance they were. At least the other guard was familiar enough with the situation and knew why I was annoyed.

****
I miss my Lövey. He called me earlier and said that he may be gone for not just 5 days but for 12! Waaahhhh. That means Monday, next week! Separation-anxiety at its finest. That’s almost two weeks. What scares me is that right before Dude and I broke up we were apart for almost the same time and when we saw each other again things just weren’t the same. Granted that of course people change and all that, but what if it happens again??!!? I know I shouldn’t think the worse and Lovey does assure me that we will spend the rest of our lives together... Ahhh the paranoia of loneliness and pining.

****
My apologies to Russ and Pinoymonkey, your comments for the original post disappeared when I tried reposting this. Sorry guys.

****
It’s gonna be a long, long, looooonnnnnggg week without my Lövey. Yep, I don’t do well in long distance relationships, obviously.

ROCKS AND WEEDS AND DHUM-DHUM-DHU-DHUM...

2004-07-17T04:38:00.000+08:00

~~Yes we did~~ Well, he did. Yesterday he gave me flowers and yes I know that for most people this is usual but consider that the last time a guy gave me flowers was when I was a freshie in college. Not to say that I was expecting flowers from all guys, actually any form of a gift is extremely appreciated.

He didn't actually even give me to them, he left them at the office doors and I wouldn't even have known that he was here had one of my officemates noticed that the flowers were for ME!.

And today he gave me this.

It’s been in his family for generations. It’s his great-great-grandmother’s ring. It may not be the most expensive ring that there is or have the chunkiest rock, but I’m honored that he felt that I was special enough to deserve wearing it.

Thank you for the rocks and the weeds Lövey. I ♥ ü!

****
CONGRATULATIONS to my Soülsissy who will be getting married next month!!! I now have 1 month to lose weight, help plan the wedding and the bachelorette party as well! God help my midterms in that case. Tygy will be the coin bearer and I’m going to be a BRIDESMAID!!!! Yay!

I’ll miss days like this though…

I love you sweety, and though I may not always show my approval but I hope that you know that I’m ALWAYS, ALWAYS BEHIND YOU 100 %!!!

ALMOST SQUARE ONE

2004-07-15T05:31:00.000+08:00

WARNING MUSH ALERT!!!

Lovey and I have spoken to each other and we are starting over. No more pretenses of being über jealous, he’s going back to his normal self. He thought that since he had no other way of making me feel secure and special, he thought that by playing über jealous I’d feel better and not as insecure. Well, since we have discovered that that plan isn’t working we’re going back to ~~square one~~ almost square one and starting over. And since he is trying to make-up for not being his usual romantic self, today he started texting me sweet nothings and everythings. Thanks lövey for not walking away and giving another shot at US. I ♥ U!

shhhh…close your eyes now….mmmmmwahh..I’m hugging you while you sleep my love
14-July
14:19

Shhhhh….go back to sleep….I was just kissing you while you were sleeping…
14-July
11:46

Just read ur tx, since I can’t declare dat ur d center of my universe, ill just say now dat ur d 3rd rock from the sun, at least malapit-lapit n s center yun ha
14-July
23:27

…true love and joy and faith, all my strength I give to you, my love is yours exclusively, to enjoy and raise as you want to…
15-July
01:07

I knew u wer d perfect girl 4 my luv, 4 u I thank d stars in d heavens above, thought it took u quite a while 2 hold my hand, I was patient luv, it was all in d plan
15-Jul-04
01:14

…its gonna take at least a lifetime, to know what’s gonna be, so why don’t you share a lifetime with me…
15-July
01:21

Love, do call me anytime, I’m sure to answer your call or tx regardless of the time..if I need 2 b at your side, consider it done, cause you’re my 3rd rock from d sun
15-July
02:12

luv, if not being wd u means less arguments, Id still choose 2 hav arguments wd u as long as u r bside me, coz even if we do argue, we r 2geder n i still can kiss u
15-July
03:00

if loving u means wholeheartedly accepting ur exs as still part of ur life, I still won’t stop loving u, d pain is worth it coz my love is unconditional
15-July
03:30

…will you marry me…n be my only love…
15-July
03:33

ISN’T HE JUST SO…♥♥♥

2004-07-14T23:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I do forget that my lövey is just SO ♥♥♥…*insert-kilig-sigh-here*. Until one of my friends tells me how cute he is or until I come across a picture of him that suddenly makes me stare and think “Tanginanerts, ang guwapo pala ng mahal ko…” or when we’re in a mall and people stare at him (sana kahit papaano dib a they stare at me din sana no!)

We are blinded sometimes by the constant togetherness that we sometimes just start looking at and fail to SEE each other correctly. I hope I never make that mistake again.

Lövey

LÖVE LETTERS

2004-07-13T23:27:00.000+08:00

Picasso, my love I hope you don’t mind that I posted a part of your e-mail to me. I was just so moved by it that I wanted the whole world to know just how much I love you! Ladies and gentlemen please partake in my joy and my love for this man who loves me so overwhelmingly much that it just takes my breath away…

I guess I reacted so differently because you were the only person who speaks her mind...whether it be through your blog or through other means...I would just like to take this opportunity to thank you for still hoping that I will be the one for you despite my so many "turnoffs"...after reading everything...I was humbled to the point of reflection...I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I am not worthy to be called your "picasso"...Ii want to start over ...I want to be your friend first and then court you properly...and maybe, if faith permits it...you would accept me back in your life as someone truly special… again I apologize for saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things...sorry for just being an asshole...plain and simple...

Picasso

Love ko,

I never wanted what I wrote to change who you are. I’m sorry if you felt that I was complaining all the time or that I just spoke about the negative. My writing reveals my perceptions and reflections, both, good and bad, positive and negative. I do understand that when we're together you want the most out of the time that we have seeing as we both have busy schedules. It's just that sometimes I know you want to watch dvd's and sometimes I don't feel like watching, sometimes my love, I'd rather read but its ok I can read beside you while you watch. I'm not saying that the way I act is always right or that my perceptions or interpretations are always correct, love I dont want to change who you are. It's not your fault that I'm not giddy-happy-stars-in-my-eyes-bounce-in-my-step-in-love. It's not any lacking on your part, love it's a lack of trust in mine. Please give me time love, trusting my heart to someone again completely is akin to jumping over a cliff without a parachute and without even screening the terrain for things I might hit. Love I know that I have a lot, lot, lot of imperfections and like you said why don't we work our imperfections out together as a couple? You don't have to be sorry about your past or the things that you've said or done that you think turn me off because love we both have our pasts and they have helped us become who we are today. Without our pasts, we wouldn't be who we are and we probably would have never met or fallen in love with each other. Pareho lang tayo nangangapa mahal ko. It's not you for decide if you're worthy or not because MY heart tells me that you are. If you want to start over love ko, we can do that because there is NO WAY that I'm walking away from you or cutting you out of my life. In a way your doing this just made me fall in love with you all the more because now, I'm not afraid anymore. Somehow somewhere in your admissions I had my own realizations. And guess what love? In your admission of your fears you somehow dispelled most of mine. I know that you know that you cannot be the center of my universe because that space belong to me but that doesn't mean love that US doesn't matter because US comes pretty damn well close to where the center is. You don't have to be afraid of me accepting you back into my life because love, I'm not letting you get out of it. I love you Picasso, please stay. I'd love to take this journey with you but if you need to take it alone, I'll understand and I'll wait for you to be ready for me and the things that I come with. If you need some time, just let me know love. I'll be RIGHT HERE.

PS. Guwapo ka naman talaga love e. I just don’t want your head to get overly inflated kasi habulin ka ng both girls and gays and if that's not an indication of how attractive you are then I don't know what is...

All my love,
Wytchgurl

WHERE AM I ANYWAY?!

2004-07-13T03:24:00.000+08:00

On the road to nowhereville or somewhereville depending on how you look at it...

Wytchgurl Highway

Lake Love	4
Tower of Commitment	23
Contentment Meadows	41
Family Farm	144
Valley of Depression	330
Please Drive Carefully

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

WHEN ME DIES IN AN US

2004-07-13T03:22:00.000+08:00

Where should the lines be drawn? How much should one give in? When are the lines between compromise and abuse made? When does change turn into domination and dictatorship?

Picasso doesn’t like to be talked about as he feels that he becomes unfairly judged by people who don’t know the real story (behind what I talk about) and by those who have no idea who he is and what he’s really like. He has an eensy-weensy point there. Sometimes yes, I may misinterpret things and the way I write may be unfair for him, but goddamit this is MY blog and I will write about the things I want to from the way I see it. Nobody will censor my therapy… Maybe it’s because he isn’t literature inclined that’s why he can’t understand why I’d rather read sometimes when we’re together or write like this. Perhaps his muses come in other forms though I wish he would at least exert some effort to respect mine and to leave a part of me mine… Sometimes I’m afraid that he thinks that just because we’re together our lives revolve around just us and that somehow ME is dying because of that. Sometimes I feel like telling him what I was once was told too…“I love you, but you’re not my life and just you isn’t enough for me to be able to live… as much as we want it to be that way”. It’s about compromise together but that doesn’t mean that you have to change the person totally. Why even bother falling in love then? Why don’t you just become a Pygmalion then? We are not the only thing in each other’s lives, I can’t even claim that he is the center of mine… I wish he could say the same. We should COMPLEMENT and not complete each other.

****
Spent the weekend with my soulsissy. Got some of the people to meet Picasso and it was for the most part ok. :) Saturday night had dinner at greenbelt and had a makeover done at the Beauty Bar with Picasso pretending to be director while I was being made up. He's so kulit sometimes :D Then was followed by the freaky-helmet-carrying-guy who tried to hit on…him. Feeling ko pa naman ang ganda-ganda ng makeover sa kin but no, siya ang sinusundan…lols. After dinner went to the condo but the guys didn’t feel like following so just slept over there.

****
On Sunday, I ran some errands at the mall and had him pick me up when some weirdo started texting me. Apparently he got my number from one of those registration forms at the exhibit hall and felt like meeting me! Eeeuuuww! Excuse me, I don’t meet people I don’t know especially if they didn’t even have the decency to actually come up and say hi and have to resort to snatching my number from a registration form at an exhibit hall…

Went over to my soulsissy’s house to have dinner and return the condo key and to have some qt time with the soulsissy and her sister. I so miss the discussions we gurls have and I feel like we need more time to talk especially now that half the time I feel like my winging it is causing me to crash and burn more…

****
Mom and Tygy are back. Goodbye social life... *turns mommy mode back on*

AND NOW, THE END IS HERE…

2004-07-10T00:56:00.000+08:00

The parentals are back next week. So Picasso and I end playing house today and, like I always do, I get sad and morose and suffer from withdrawal symptoms when that happens. I couldn’t explain my mood and one part of me really, really wanted to just skip class and stay with him, but he needed to get some of his other errands done as well. Dammit. Goodbyes are so, so hard. And we won’t even be able to spend my last free weekend together… What in the world even possessed me to think that I could deal with this?!? Both of our lives are complicated and so early on there are so many, many mountains we have to climb. I don’t want to give up already but some part of me is afraid that:

a. he still hasn’t changed and is just screwing around
b. the complications of our lives will overwhelm us both
c. we clash on a lot of things, not that it’s a bad thing but it seems like most of the time we let our differences get in-between us and end up in petty little avoidable fights
d. why can I not feel secure with him despite the fact that he says he loves me?

Or maybe I’m just too afraid of getting hurt again that I can’t let myself go. Friendship mentioned that I didn’t use to be like this with Düde. I used to be so giddy-happy-stars-in-my-eyes-bounce-in-my-step-in-love. It seems I’m now colder and more cynical in my love. And I know that Picasso does not deserve that.

****
Elias called me at the office unfortunately I was meeting with the boss so I had to call her back but she wasn’t picking up her phone anymore. I miss you crazy girl!

Trinagurl just won a trip for two to the Bahamas!! Kaya lang paano mo naman kami isasama kung isasama mo na si boylet dun?!? Sayang, transferreable pa naman yung tickets… Well we have a year to beg her so, let’s see:D

****
Since my mom and son are away, I haven’t really been eating right (not that Picasso’s not feeding me correctly mind you), but I’m back to eating one meal a day again. Well, hopefully it will help me slim down again but I doubt it since I eat heaps and heaps during the time that I do eat…

Which reminds me, Picasso and I were at greenhills last weekend since he had errands to do and decided to try eating at Afrodisia. Just as we entered he met some director guy named Freddie who apparently shares not only his affinity for good music but for those little computer/phone thingies in something I think is called the O2 club (but I may have heard wrong).

And this is how he introduced me:

Picasso: “This is my girlfriend. (pause for long, long, long silence and expectant look from Freddie) uhm Ingrid.”
Freddie: “Wonderful! Girlfriend has a name!”

Hilarious. Anyway, the food was good, the service was excellent and the price was ok for the serving. I do recommend the crab rice and the tahong with garlic and butter as well as the chicharon that they have. I wanted to oder the Crispy Pata but I don’t think we would have been able to finish all that. The menu in this resto was one of the most creatively suggestive ones I’ve had the pleasure to come across.

I’ve been having the weirdest craving for uhm…ISAW piggy! Good thing I have class tomorrow, I’ll stop by and get some right before I go there.

****
Picasso and I are still fighting over the darndest and littlest things! Oh and speaking off disagreements, in my second to the last post I mentioned Picasso’s double standard views on relationships (the it’s ok for the guy to cheat position) and he said that he didn’t mean cheating in general. What he meant was if a girl came over and introduced herself to him he would at least have the decency to say hello and be courteous as opposed to if a guy came over to hit on me, I actually have the option to just wave my ring at him and say something like “sorry, I’m taken/waiting for somebody/not interested in being picked up by a dickweed like you.” or some equally bitchy and crushing line…

We have spoken to each other on the issue of cheating and yes, cheating in all forms, shapes and sizes will not be tolerated in anyway whatsoever.
****

Just because I feel like showing you who I am otherwise known as I’ve discovered how pictures can be put online! Yay!

And here is my Tygy

Yup, that's Jiulian Gaibrael Tadhg. ü

SOMEBODY GET ME MY CHOCOLATE!!!

2004-07-08T01:00:00.000+08:00

I need chocolates. I do. I have it when I’m happy, I have it when I’m sad, I have it when I’m angry and especially when I can’t figure the world out. Today I’m having Rocky Road ice cream at the office where I am of course freezing my butt off but since I’m so pissed off at Bug C, I’ll do whatever needs to be done to make sure I get through a day at the office without being able to write. Dammit I knew something was fishy when he called me at home this morning asking for my pc’s password on some pretext that he needed to change something. Damn you Bug C, I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS.

****
Did not see Picasso today. Had a little misunderstanding this morning that ended with a “Fyn” from my end. So I just did my laundry, cooked myself an omelette and read though part of Sandman 6. I so love NEIL GAIMAN! I can’t wait to get through all the books Düde lent me.

****
Friendship is inviting me and our other officemates over to one of her friends parties at Moomba on Saturday. If Picasso is still sick, then that’s where I’ll be. I’ve always wanted to go there I hear that they have great Latin music. Friendship’s friend though wants people to come in Safari costumes which I don’t think I have…

****
I am NOT cutting anymore classes this semester!!!

****
Picasso will have to understand and accept that HE is not the only thing in my world and that I will NOT make him the center of my universe.

THE COOKIE CUTTER AND CHRISTMAS IN JULY

2004-07-07T04:32:00.000+08:00

Picasso IS the extremely jealous type. As I posted before he was ~~ballistic to the point of madness and insanity~~ irritated and annoyed at the fact that I had messages from the men who were significant in my life and so he asked me to please delete them and he gave me 1 week. He said that if I was so tied up to the past relationships I’ve had I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the present relationship. His point being that if the messages meant so much to me, then maybe I should assess who I really wanted to be with by meeting up with who I felt I still had unresolved issues with because maybe that’s who I am destined to be with. As hunny and I have already been able to lock our relationship to a friendship level that left only Düde, who I had not seen since the day we broke up. I’d wanted to see him for the longest time because a part of me needed to know that he really is ok now. So, last night I went over to his house and returned his books. Kawawa naman sya pag sumabit yung thesis nya dahil sa kin di ba. I was also supposed to borrow his other Sandman series books as I just love Neil Gaiman’s writing. I thought he only had 2 more of the books from the series and was eagerly anticipating reading them when to my utter joy and ecstasy he had seven others. It turns out he has nine out of the eleven books. I can honestly say that I just had to clap my hands and jump up and down with joy when I saw them. I felt like a kid at Christmas. Now, that wasn’t the only good thing in store. When we sat down on his terrace and started talking with him being extremely drunk, it felt just like old times. No awkwardness, no uncomfy silences though I missed the quiet of his house and just sitting outside talking. Minus the smooching, it felt like how it was when we were together. I missed the way he spoke about literature and philosophy and his views on life and love and friendship. I miss him reading me poetry and do plan on attending one of his poetry reading sessions soon to remedy this. It was funny that even when the topic came to the new people we were seeing now, there were no negative comments or any feelings of bitterness or resentment. I love him all the more for that. We cemented our friendship over cigarettes and conversations over nothing and everything and I know that no matter what happens, there is no way in this world that we will lose each other again. ü

Somehow there is still a part of me that is sad that I couldn’t make the cut to the one who would share his life and I hope that whoever she is, she really will be able to make him happy. ü

Now, supposedly you’d think that Picasso would be happy at this turn of events. Unfortunately he wasn’t. Yup, he was not. He just didn’t want the messages out of my inbox, what he wanted was to cut Hunny and Düde out of my life permanently. Now, usually I am extremely understanding and flexible. But I will hold my ground on this issue. No one has the right to tell me who should and should not be my friend or make that decision for me.

Düde was right last night, Picasso and I do fight over the pettiest things (text messages, dress codes, histories… the list goes on and on!) God, I miss the fact that Düde never forced me to fit into something. He let me be who I was even if it led to us breaking up. He respected my individuality and uniqueness and understood that love wasn’t enough to keep us going. He tried to lighten my burdens when he could and he understood the fact that he wasn’t the only thing I needed in my world to survive. It was I who wanted to turn myself into something he could be proud of even if it didn’t work. The desire to change was my own. Heads up Picasso, don’t even try that cookie cutter mode again because I will not let anyone turn me into something I don’t want to be. Stop being so black and white-rigid.

I NEVER MADE AN ISSUE OF THE FACT THAT YOU HAD A HAREM, OF 100 WOMEN BEFORE ME (70 SOMETHING GF’S SOME OF WHICH LASTED ONLY ONE OR TWO DAYS DEPENDING ON WHAT THEY’D DO TO GIVE HIM AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE THEM OR AFTER HE’D SCREWED THEM TO HIGH HEAVEN AND ABOUT 30 FUCK FRIENDS).

Picasso doesn’t seem to understand the concept of ex-lovers being friends, probably because he can’t be a friend to his exes because they were never really friends as he supposedly claims… After all, what kind of a friend would leave you for having wrong grammar or for not being able to play at charades? More importantly if that was so important to him why did he even go after them in the first place? Apparently he had no standards for selecting his women or something and I hate the fact that he compares what Düde and I had to that since and I am SURE that the reason we were together was not to screw each other’s brains out or to have a significant other that you were with just for show (as in displayable ka lang). We were together because we felt like we were right for each other and regardless of what the outcome was, the intent was true. In short, hindi kami nagkukupalan, minahal talaga naming ang isa’t isa. Picasso has the old world view that if a guy breaks up with a girl, there’s no valid reason except that he’s just naturally a jackass or a dickweed, and that it’s ok for an attached man, married or otherwise to accept a lady’s advances provided that the lady approached them first. WATTHEFUCK?!?!?! Is it just me or is there some screwed-up logic here???!!! Picasso says that that was the way he used to be and is not the case for what we have now, otherwise he would have given me packing papers (ang feeling nya no, siya pa may lakas ng loob magsabi nun! as if ako yung dysfunctional sa min e, e ako pa papaalisin nya! Ngerk kala naman nya ang guwapo, guwapo niya…hmph!)

Bottom line is I really, really do like this guy, despite swearing that I would NEVER, EVER IN THIS LIFETIME date another guy who’s been through so many women he doesn’t remember them all properly, I do want to at least try and make it work. Let’s just hope for the best and prove Düde wrong that our personalities will clash too much for it to work.

Love you Düde, I know when you said that it was an honest assessment based on how you know me and what I’ve told you of Picasso and not just because you were being bitterü On my part, I really was flattered that the girl you dated found me pretty (o asan na ang corona ko?! wahaha) and I am sorry that she stopped calling you after she saw my picture… well, on the other hand if she’s insecure of your exes based on what they look like well, no comment na lang ako dun.

So here goes the first part of goodbye’s. These are the messages from Hunny, and some of you may notice that some of them are almost a year long and in fairness a lot of people said that if they saw messages like this on their significant other’s phones they’d go ballistic too, even Düde said he felt like that when he saw the messages though he never raised the issue.

The night of the first I love you’s…
sum1 who i cn trust n who knows who i m. who understands d space i need but at d same tym makes her presence felt. u found hm na ba?
27-Aug-2003
02:09

i have ths feelin he feels d same n he apprecu8s ur w8in ü
27-Aug-2003
02:28

tama ka na it’s d complete package.ü “my love”?
27-Aug-2003
02:50

hunny…cnt deny I feel d same way. im glad u understand me n ur waitin 4 me. i do hope sumthng happens.
27-Aug-2003
02:57

u know i love u 2. but i need d space. i hope u gv me that chanceü
27-Aug-2003
03:00

i do care 4 u n ur baby. love u.
27-Aug-2003
03:09

il wait hunny ü
27-Aug-2003
03:31

Of time and friendship…
e special ka nmn tlaga e. feelin k nga natetake kta 4 grantd. do u realize that we’ve been friends 4 4 years?ü n uve always been therü thank u po. huuug!
18-Dec-2003
00:05

Partees et al
hugabear. ü i lyk that ü
17-Jan-2004
03:19

Of loving and letting go aka when I told him I had fallen in love with Düde
love u 2ü
01-Feb-2004

On feeling generally unloved
Hun, if it’s any consoloation, n I know it’s no match, love kta.ü
17-June-2004
11:10

THE X FILES

2004-07-03T04:22:00.000+08:00

Someone up there sure has a weird sense of humor. It seems that everytime I think I’m ok and I’m happily exploring the idea of being with someone, the galaxial forces group themselves together to bring me back my pasts just to see how ok I really am as opposed to how ok I think I am. Hunny texted the other day that his relationship was in trouble. He says he feels like he’s been had and played. I just told him to try and work it out if he could. And then tonight, Düde texts me.

Here are the more memorable thumb conversations:

Düde: I’m sori. 4 everything.
Wytchgurl: You don’t have to be sori 4 anything Düde. Love u.
Düde: Love u 2. I mis u. U used 2 distract me.ü I knw that sounds strange, but its true.
Wytchgurl: Mis u 2. howd I distract you?
Düde: U’d settle me dwn nd prevent me frm getn 2 fixd on 1 thng. N0body cud evr distract me quite lyk u. Then agn, its ir0nic that that’s y we broke up isn’t it?
Düde: In any case, im sori. Again. 4 everything.
Wytchgurl: Don’t be sori love. I’m just thankful that I had the time and the opportunity to love you.ü
Düde: I dnt knw y m sayn all ths. Madness of yesterday and yesterday, yeats would say.
Düde: I was thnkn lng kc, na every1 ive ever been close 2 has been scarred sumhow. Needless to say, m not proud of myself.

Because of the last statement I proposed that we celebrate our friendship with a friendship-versary of our own. Düde said that it was very generous of me to suggest that and in his own terms, a little bit too generous. I told that if I was one thing, I was selfish with the friendships that I have. So we’ve decided to celebrate our own friendship-versary on March 8. Like with Hunny we split the date, he picked the date and I picked the month. I’m so glad we’re on good terms again.ü It makes getting on with my life easier.

****
The forces of the cosmic galaxy are at it again! Picasso, a self proclaimed ex player and flirt, and I have spent the last week getting to know each other more, and seeing if we can survive living under the same house in the same room (yep it’s a more wholesome version of playing house than I’m used but playing house nonetheless at his place). As of the moment, his being extremely neat and obsessive-compulsive about some things seems livable (he actually fixed the whole mess in my car!) and he doesn’t get too annoyed about the mess that I have of clothes for a week. I’ve spent most of my time just sleeping and watching dvd’s. IWe were originally wanting to go road tripping this weekend to Tagaytay and he had the reservations all set and everything but his dad needed him to finish an errand. He did ask me if I wanted to go to HongKong this weekend instead of Tagaytay, but because of the aforementioned errand that’s out too (saying sagot nya lahat and I’m single for the weekend!)

The only problem I can foresee is that he gets a ~~wee bit~~ lot jealous about the other men I’ve had relationships or pseudo relationships with, namely Hunny and Düde, whose messages still occupy a lot of space in my inbox. I’m a very private person when it comes to my messages so initially I was extremely pissed at him for even looking at the content of my messages, but then I know at the same time that he’s very confused about exactly where he stands in my life and thus is still very threatened at any stories or references to any exes in whatever way. He gets hurt that he can’t call me Hunny because I only allow one person to call me that and he gets hurt when I remember the times I had with Düde. He complains that he feels like he has me physically but that my heart and my soul are with my past… He’s afraid that I’m letting my past affect my present life too much and that’s what will kill us. I left him in a huff last night because he’d read my messages while I was asleep and was being very cold and quiet while I was getting ready for work. So I didn’t even try explaining anymore. I thought we’d gotten that issue resolved, but so much for that idea.

I do hope we kiss and make-up soon. I miss annoying him. I miss hearing him call me a conceited bitch, (yes that’s his term of endearment) and turning my back on him when he annoys me. Yes, we’re a funny couple.

****
Our funky terms of endearment for each other:

♀ : Conceited Bitch
♂ : Arrogant Dickweed

****
FAMILY TIES

We were shopping for toiletries the other day at the mall, since he said there was no sense in me hauling everything from one house to another, so he decided that we should just have toiletries that I leave at his house. Of course, since it was his idea, he would be paying, I pulled out all the stops and even forced him to go through the humiliation of helping me buy pads and liners and a million kinds of moisturizers, body wash and lotions.. Lols. And then just as we reached the counter and had everything punched in for my side of the bathroom, he looks over his shoulder and jumps in surprise because who else should be there and see us buying girly things but his dad. Yes, his dad. I wanted to melt through the floor right then and there. His dad probably thought we were living in together permanently! So much for being prepared to meet his family. To compound that little unscheduled run-in with the familials, I just had to kiss him when I dropped him off at the mall and in all honesty, forgot to check if I had left a stain on his cheek. He texted me a few hours later saying that his brother had jokingly asked what time we had last been together and just how much we liked each other. Yes, Picasso spent the better part of the night wearing a perfectly shaped, blood-red kissmark on his cheek. Cringe.

I’m never kissing him goodbye again.

****
CONGRATULATIONS to my Soulsissy!!! She’s gonna become a MOMMY in February!!! She’s due to have her baby, the same week I gave birth so who knows, our kids may even be sharing the same birthday. I can’t wait to plan the babyshower.

Trinababes lokah umuwi ka sa December!!!!

THE EAGLE HAS LANDED…EVERYBODY RUN FOR COVER!!!!

2004-06-29T01:05:00.000+08:00

She’s back ladies and gentlemen, yes she is. Armed with her suitcases and balikbayan boxes and yes those never ending sermons of “Wag ka muna magboboyfriend, hinahanap ka ng asawa ng mga tita mo sa America…” Oh please, give it a rest already would you?! This trip’s variations comes with “…may nakilala akong 3rd generation Japanese-american na 40 years old at binata pa! Sulatan mo at magpasalamat sa pinadala nya. I pen-pal mo at baka yan ang paraan mong makaalis dito…”

ICANTBELIEVESHESATITAGAIN!!!!!!!

I can handle my own love life, with all it’s quirky twists and turns, thank you very much. And despite what people think and believe, I have learned. Yes, I we are taking it extremely slow. Like molasses.

FOR PICASSO…

Someone to Watch Over Me

There's a saying old says that love is blind
Still we're often told "seek and ye shall find"
So I'm going to seek a certain girl I've had in mind
Looking everywhere, haven't found her yet
She's the big affair I cannot forget
Only girl I ever think of will regret

I'd like to add her initial to my monogram
Tell me where's the shepherd for this lost lamb

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that she turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me

I'm a little lamb who's lost in a wood
I know I could always be good
To one who'll watch over me

Although she may not the girl some men think of
As handsome to my heart
She carries the key

Won't you tell her please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh how I need
Someone to watch over me
Someone to watch over me

Looks like I’m in the recovery room and no longer in the ICU. Let’s keep at that first shall we? No rush to be discharged…:)

****
I am the company’s worst bowler. Last Saturday, I bowled a 27 for the first set and a 57 for the second set. Goodgawd, I pity the people who have to team up with me. Kung bakit kasi ayaw nila pumayag na cheerleader na lang ako e… And, I ran into an old classmate at the bowling lanes. I had to stifle the urge to shout-out “hey di ba classmate sa up nun, san nga ba tayo classmate?” I asked one of my other officemates to ask the manager, discretely of course if he graduated from up too and not content with the info that he was, I sidled up to him, smiled and said “Classmate kita di ba? You look familiar kasi” Good thing I was right about that. I knew he looked really familiar, probably from spending a 31/2 hour cooking class with Gwen-Lily, I’ve imprinted most of my old classmates looks into memory. Ayus, a new friend, but no dear readers, he is NOT Picasso…

****
My mom and tygy are going to be gone for at least a week (sana sulitin na nila at gawin 2, lalo na my mom isn’t feeling well baka magkaflu nga siya e hirap nun). So I am a single girl again! Freedom, here I come!

****
Guess where I we are going this weekend? I’m so looking forward to it! Pure and unadulterated, wholesome FUN!

****
Arvin’s unforgettable weekend blunder : (In his usual, Americanized-no-hint-of-I’m-really-a-Filipino-accent )“What do you have here? Uhm, I’ll have pancit-canton-guisado(in-im-so-tough-im-a-kanto-boy-acccent).

Wahahaha. The waiter did a double-take. Seriously, nasira bigla image mo sa waiter tuloy... lols

Friendship’s weird craving of the weekend in the middle of the pouring rain: I want …hot puto.

Jusme, I was thinking of something soupy and warm and Frienship wants PUTO. Sinakyan ka tuloy nila Arvs, at hinanapan ka ng puto sa waiter na paulit-ulit na nagsasabi na wala silang puto at hot puto! hahaha

****
DRIVING 201, 1ST LESSON: PARKING, BACKING, CHANGING TIRES AND PUSH-STARTING

I am our family’s worst parker (excluding my brother who hasn’t driven in like 10 years). Last weekend I needed the help of all the attendants at NBS to park backward! I can’t even parallel park unless I’m the first or last one on the block. The only thing I can do is park forward. Now you may be thinking that I should be asking for a refund from whatever driving school I went to, but truth be told I never went to driving school. Yup, my dad is one of the pillars of the motoring circuit but I never learned to drive properly because my pappy always kept putting it off due to the unavailability of the instructor (at least that was his press release, unless he just wanted to try and keep me in the house AS-IF indi ako magiging gala e lahat ng manyaks nun may kotse!) that I just haggled my mom into teaching me. However as she is MOM, that of course in itself presented a problem. I can still hear her shrieking in my head:

“PRENO! WHEN I SAY PRENO YOU STOP!”
“YOU”RE GOING TOO FAST! SLOW DOWN!”
“TOO NEAR, YOU’RE HOVERING TOO NEAR THE CAR IN FRONT”
“USE YOUR MIRRORS! YOU”RE NOT USING YOUR MIRRORS”

Until one day, armed with the most rudimentary, basic skills, I set out on my own and decided to “wing-it”. And that is why ladies and gentlemen, I park the way I do and I drive the way I do. I cannot change a tire or push start a car or do all the other things most drivers are supposed to know about excluding the basics of knowing how to open the hood, trunk and gas tank. My dad has commented time and again that I need to go to a real driving school to correct all the wrong skills I have supposedly acquired through the “wing-it” process. However up to now, I still have not seen hide nor hair of the infamous Mang Jo, the driving instructor who’s schedule is supposedly so full that I can’t squeeze in time for maybe the next 5 years.

Well, he has wonderfully volunteered to be the solution to all my parking and driving woes. Picasso, you better put your money where your mouth is. God knows I’ve had more than enough of my share of all talk. Not referring anyone in particular or in recent history mind you… (Walang aaray ha. Ang aaray, GUILTY)

IN MEMORIAM OF AN ANGEL…

2004-06-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

To a wonderful girl who’s life was cut short by an unfortunate accident. You have touched the lives of all who knew you. Sweetheart, we all miss you so. HAPPY 22nd BIRTHDAY. I’m sorry I forgot to post it on the correct date…

Here again is the poem sung for you by your friends in a church filled to the rafters by the many, many people whose lives were forever changed by knowing you. Love, you Porky. You continue to be an inspiration to us all.

Phenomenal Woman

Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

****
Morbid thought of the day, when I die, I would like my epithet (did I spell that right?) to read: LOVING MOTHER AND WIFE. BEST SISTER AND FRIEND. PHENOMENAL WOMAN.

‘Nuff said.

ISANG PAGPAPAALAM.

2004-06-22T01:50:00.000+08:00

Minsan sa buhay natin may dumadating na mga tao na nagpapabago sa buhay natin. Minsan sila ay kaibigan. Minsan sila ang nagtuturo sa ating magmahal at madalas hindi natin inaasahan ang kanilang pagdating, o ang kanilang pag-alis.

Mahirap silang bitawan. Lalabanan mo ito hanggang sa iyong makakaya. Para kang dahan dahang pinapatay pag sila ay umalis sa iyong buhay. Pakiramdam nito ay parang hinihimay ang iyong puso sa maliliit na mga piraso at tinutuklap ang iyong balat mula sa iyong mga kalamnan. Masarap ang matulog lang, dahil doon sa iyong mga panaginip, masaya ka dahil kasama mo siya. Naiisip mo minsan na ayaw mong magising pa sa katotohanang wala na siya sa piling mo.

Akala ko sa muli kong pagsubok sa pagmamahal, susuwertehin na ako. Naisip ko nun, baka naman sakali pag binigyan ko ang sarili ko ng pagkakataon na magmahal ng buo at lubusan, mamahalin din niya ako sa ganoong paraan. At magiging masaya kami. At siya na ang makakasama ko pang habang buhay, na magiging kabiyak ng aking puso at ama ng aking mga anak.

Ngunit hindi iyon ang aming tadhana. Siguro nga hindi nga kami ang para sa isa’t isa. Hindi naming kinaya ang mga alon na dumating sa aming pagsasama.

Mahal kita at mamahalin kita hanggang sa araw ng aking pagpanaw. Sana kahit papaano napasaya din kita kahit sandali lang… Sana siya na nga ang taong magpapasaya sa iyo habang buhay. Sana hindi ka na malulungkot pa muli.

Salamat mahal ko. Paalam.

KUNG SANA SIYA ANG NAGPAPADALA SA KIN NG GANITO SA GITNA NG GABING MADILIM AT MALUNGKOT…

2004-06-22T01:44:00.000+08:00

This came in the middle of the night while I was studying:

Hunny: u awake hun?
Wytchgurl: yup y? may esp ka ba?
Hunny: esp? y? cdnt slip. naalala kita e.
Wytchgurl: u cndt slip dhl naalalam ko? para naman ako problema nun…
Hunny: nope. nt a prob. in a gud way. been thnkng of u l8ly. weird ba?
Wytchgurl: aww. im touchd. i aim to be remembered. haha! joke lang. bka nmn i send out pheromones that im sad o bka nmn lam mo stresd ako pag fathers day
Hunny: hindi naman. mis lang kta eü
Wytchgurl: rili? wat do u mis and wat u rememberin ba?
Hunny: times together. sleepin besyd u. skin to skin. Stuff.ü
Wytchgurl: that’s sweetü bt kaya ang dalas m k maalala ngayon? dnt thnk ur the type nmn hus resistant to chng nmn? any theories y I kip on bugng ur thots?
Hunny: i dunno nga e. i just mis u badly I gesü bein with u n all.

Now why couldn’t the one I love be the one sending me messages like that at 3am? Why does it always have to be an unworkable situation?

****
I should find ways to stop torturing myself like this. This is NOT GOOD.

Just when I thought that I was making some progress, I backslide into the worst muck possible and am back to square one. God help me, there has to be another way through this. Writing doesn’t seem to help anymore. I WANT MY DRUGS!

SO THIS IS ME...

2004-06-19T03:31:00.000+08:00

How to make a WytcHgÜrL

Ingredients:

5 parts intelligence

5 parts beauty

3 parts ambition

Method:
Layer ingredients in a shot glass. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

What do YOU think? Hmmm?

FLAMIN HOT!

2004-06-19T03:05:00.000+08:00

UCAUTION

IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP WYTCHGURL AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

From Go-Quiz.com

****
Does this mean that I'm too hot to handle? *insert-snicker-here*

****
Going out tomorrow to hang out with the office peeps. Yeeey gimmick again together since God-knows-when-that-was that Tito Mannie called the ex George because he couldn't remember his name! Lols. That was really funny though. Ayayaya reminiscing na naman ba daw? And I still have his books because it was raining really hard after my class and stupid me didn't have an umbrella. Good thing Miko had a driver with her and she dropped us off at the parking lot. (Note to self: Always bring an umbrella even if you have a car because what use is your car if you can't even get to it?)

****
Speaking of school, I seem to feeling extremely studious as I have currently checked out 7 books and feel like already doing my reports! ~ so unlike me! I am also reading up ahead (goodgodalmighty! what is happening to me?) where is my laziness, my procrastination, my wonderfully tried and tested cramming skills!?!? lols. Seriously though, maybe this is a sign that I'm growing up now...Yuck no nga!

****
The office is trying to organize a bowling tournament and as I do not bowl unless in's with the breakfast club, (no offense cool office people, but I'm afraid of totally humiliating myself in front of you and what if there was a cute guy there too?!) I opted to play cheerleader instead. Our dearest Arla who came up wit this brilliant team-building activity then sent back a reply saying that cheerleaders were fine but that we would have to wear skirts that showed our kuyukots otherwise known as that fold right under your derriere! Lols. I emailed her back saying not a problem as I did a year of cheerleading and I like wearing mini's. Only because for pixie girls like me, long skirts don't work that well. We end up looking like a female Frodo.

****
Cae-pot, fellow walking-danger member, is trying to set me up with one of her friends. I just hope he isn't revolting. As my jerk radar seems to permanently disabled right now I am of course wary of meeting men. Ahhh, these rituals that we have to go through because of the innate need to be with someone to call your own sucks. I hate the fact that the men I keep running into are such jerks when it comes to treating women…Why do we force ourselves into this mockery anyway? Why is it so hard to find someone to just love you? Is it too much to ask to want to be with someone special at the end of the day to hug and to kiss?

****
Cae-pot, fellow walking-danger member hamishu you and Ms.Wei na! We need to have some serious girl-bonding time soon!

MY MAD LOVE AND MISADVENTURES WITH HUNNY

2004-06-18T03:35:00.000+08:00

Another good quote from BreakupBabe:

“You know, the problem with the love drug – like any drug -- is that once you get a little taste, you just want more. But it’s the affection thing that gets me. That’s the addictive part of the love drug.”

God, I miss having someone to hold and hug and kiss and to be with at the end of the day in whatever sense “being with someone” is.

****
Got this test of dezphaire’s site:

Which poem are you?

The Mad Girl's Love Song by Sylvia Plath

To you, love is desperate and hateful. You're wildly passionate and wildly inventive. You're also likely to start stalking people.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Love is desperate and hateful? Ngek. Mga marshies mali siya! And a Stalker?!!? ME???!!! E non-confrontantional nga ako e. The prospect of running into exables in whatever sense (even accidentally) sends me into throes of adolescent nervousness. It launches crazy butterflies in my tummy as well as turns my otherwise ok knees to jelly and makes my respiratory system suddenly feel like I’m in the dying throes of asthma…

Anyway I liked the poem when I read so here it is:

The Mad Girl’s Love Song by Sylvia Plath

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

So tell me my darlings, is it me or is it me?

****
Hunny was checking up on me again to see how I was coping as he knew that a lot of things were changing in my life and he knew how bad and unbalanced I felt when things became extremely uncontrollable. Between losing you-know-who and the reliving of the events of three years ago due to the possibility of an enfante from my Soülsissy he knew I needed something anything concrete to keep myself from tilting over to the land of the funny farm and constant pharmaceuticals.

Here’s today’s thumb conversation:

Wytchgurl: i just fil so unloved and unspecial and sad abt things.
Hunny: hun, if it’s any consolation, n i know it’s no match, love ktaü
Wytchgurl: thank you hun. i knw nmn e. love u 2.
Wytchgurl: i just wnt to be friends friends so i can move on. i hate loose ends. bad ba yun?
Hunny: u knw ur a rly gud person hun.
Wytchgurl: i just never felt SO bad abt failing. i fil lyk he didn’t even give us a chance to try and make things work. 1 away lang break na? tapos ngayon ok na sya tpos ako indi pa?
Hunny: u didn’t fail him. he failed u. chin up hun. dnt let him bring u down. weird, i was thinking kanina. i know tis awkward, but i thot of d tyms i made love 2 u. weird ba hun?**
Wytchgurl: ay namis nya akoü its never bad to reminisce and remember the good memories hunü
Hunny: onga. sbrang namimis kta hun. i consider u rly special.
Wytchgurl: at least 1 guy i rili care abt thinks im special. ü no1 comes close 2 u in my book hun, ur in an untouchable clas f ur own.ü
Hunny: aaw hun. namis kta lalo.
Wytchgurl: mis dn naman kta e! dapat kofi and tambay tyo 1 of these daysü

**this is what I wanted to tell him but didn’t because as usual, I’m chicken and non-confrontational and my phenomenal powers fail me when it comes to tilting the balances:

oops, oops hun, I love u and u know that. Of course I remember the times we were together and it was beautiful then, but we’re not the same people now. Its never bad to reminisce and remember the good memories but we’ve finished those times already and I don’t want to ruin what we have now because I know where I stand in your life and I don’t want to go back to the ambiguity of the before…it drove me almost insane and I felt like my world kept collapsing again and again but I’m ok where we are and what we are to each other now. Aren’t you?

****
The balances are shifting and I don’t know which way to tilt anymore. I wish I had someone to share this crazy roller-coaster ride with… it’s always easier when you have someone to share the journey with, I hope this will be the last crazy ride I go on alone.

****
Oh and I lost something this week. It’s nothing fancy, nothing that would kill me to lose. But it was mine. It just had maybe three or four pages used. With scribbled transcripts of a conversation from a time gone by with someone who holds a place in my heart. Nothing that would be important to anyone else but me. But it was mine and losing it feels like a violation of my soul. I lost it in the library of all places. In all my years in school no one has ever violated me so bad. Kung kalian nagmamasipag ako mag-aral ng maayos. At sa dating college ko pa talaga e! Buti sana kung sa main lib! I’m the sentimental type and although I might still have the complete notations of that transcript, I will not be able to recapture the memoirs and the emotions of that time when it was first written and I like being able to see my progression over time, of who I was and who I am NOW because of times like that. I like reading back and being able to smile fondly and remember the memories of a time gone by that made me happy even for just a while…

THE INSANE AND INANE RAMBLINGS FROM THE CHORUS OF VOICES IN MY HEAD

2004-06-16T05:24:00.000+08:00

From an email forwarded from my office e-group:

When is it really over?

This is one of the mornings after another sleepless nights that I cannot help ask myself, why didn't I have a goodnight sleep again? then I would just joke myself and answer it with, maybe someone's been thinking of me all night...ha ha ha ha!

Jokes are always half meant, a friend said once. And maybe...just maybe, behind that joke, there's this wishful thinking that someone from the past would again, bounce in my head... disturb my sanity and make my day half-miserable.

What if he's thinking about me? What if he still loves me? It's just another imagination, I know. Another day of what if and maybe's. For the 9th time, I've told myself that when it's over, it's really over! there's no sense turning back or even trying to pick up the pieces again. It's time to move on and face the reality?

When it's over, is it really over?

When you decide to let go, Do you really succeed in letting go? I just heard the latest song of Sugar Ray a while ago. Here's the first few lines that caught my attention:

When it's over That's the time I fall in love again.

When it's over That's the time you're in my arms again.....

How can you possibly say it's over when you're still in love with the person you said you were over with already? I guess it's not that easy when the chain of the past locks you in the chest of false hopes and lead to a place called fantasy with Cinderella and Snow White as you best friends! The three of you gather on the hilltop and after a while three young drop-head gorgeous princess would come riding on their horses to join the picnic under a tree.

How pathetic! But, admit it or not. It's true.... The hardest part of losing a loved one is to accept the fact that they're gone and might never come back again. There are things that will always remind you of your togetherness... the places you've been, his/her favorite food you used to cook for her/him, expressions you used to hear from his/her song you both loved to sing. These are the memories that'd linger in your mind from time to time. Because you were both in love before (or so you think so), it makes you hope for another chance. You begin to believe on what others said that LOVE IS LOVELIER THE SECOND TIME AROUND and the line from Ally Mcbeal,

"Whoever said that 'plenty of the fish in the sea' thing is lying. Sometimes there's only one...trust me..."

We would desperately believe that what happens in the movies might also happen to us one day. Who didn't like the lines from the movie "Runaway Bride" where Julia Roberts told Richard Gere,

"I guarantee that we'll have tough time; I guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret this for the rest of my life, coz' I know in my heart...you're the only one for me."

We tend to think that the person who left us will come back one day and say those things as trials to be conquered in order for the relationship to bloom and mature.

OuUccHh....Reality just bit me!

More often than not, these romantic movies and mushy love songs only make us long for something we cannot have... and for someone who cannot be our's again. It hurts to admit that we are just pretending. All the while we already knew the truth but we ignore it. When the damage is done, there's nothing left to do but cry... to mourn for the bitterness in our hearts. Then curse anybody who gets in the way.

I'm scared!!! Really I am.

As long as we still hold on to the past, the chance of meeting someone new may be a bit far off the field. The fear of trusting and falling in love again may also hinder us to grow and move on. We are hesitant to take the risk, afraid that we may get hurt again. Because of the negative thoughts stocked in our brains, we refuse to go out from our self made world and deprive ourselves from new opportunities, whether in love affairs or career wise.

Let's face it!

Betrayal can be anywhere and anyone can be a victim. The worst part is when one we truly, madly, deeply love is the one who will betray us in the end. Then we are left with nothing but a broken heart and wounded pride. Sad...but true!

Reality check please....

It can happen to anyone, but we shouldn't just take things as it comes. An action must be done. We should take care of ourselves from the hungry wolves in the jungle. It's matter of survival. Stand up when you fall. It's ok to cry as hard as long as you want to, just make sure that when you stop crying, you won't cry for the same reason anymore. Learn and live. LOVE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING ONE CAN OFFER, so be smart enough to give the love in your heart to the one who really deserve it...

****
I especially liked this passage about Snow White and Cinderella because it matches something Lowee told me when we started college that said this:

Don’t wait for Prince Charming to come along. Cinderella’s already got him, unless divorce is legal in fairyland and he stops having an affair with Snow White…

Sometimes I wish God would just plop him down in front of me. I do get tired of mucking around in swamps kissing toads and frogs in the hopes that they turn into a prince only to have some other princess steal them off when they do because sometimes, you know before you know. Of course, how could you not? Instead of starting with once upon a time it starts with it was over before it even began…

My lovelife feels like it’s permanently in the ICU. Is it possible to have something like a lobotomy for the heart? Ah yes the voices in my head are starting their insane or is it inane(?) ramblings again…

****
To LeftHandedLayup, now I feel pressured to come up with posts containing more substance…

SUNSHINE-GIRL ON LEAVE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

2004-06-16T03:53:00.000+08:00

I feel like a tornado just blew through me last weekend. Met up with soulsissy to go have a check-up just to make sure and to start making plans of what to do when the sh*t hits the ceiling. And unfortunately for us met the most horrible OB-GYN I have had the misfortune to meet. He spent all of 2 minutes checking my friend and the next 15 minutes winding about his accomplishments of how he was the “official” doctor of the US embassy and how he did all his medical studies and residency in the states and how he was head of the so-and-so in the states. Whatever man. And that creep of a doctor even had the nerve to make me stare at his picture and asking me who wouldn’t fall in love with that guy he was pointing out? Jeez it was a circa 1950something photo for crying out loud! He showed us 500million invitations from conferences to where he was a speaker and even showed us a check from a billing for a hundred k (as if that would impress us) and he kept asking again and again “Sa tingin mo ba nagkamali ang kaibigan mo sa pagpunta dito?” Cringe. All we wanted to do was get out of there asap and get ourselves another doctor. I cannot imagine how my friend’s friend who recommended that doctor survived her 9 months with a jackass like that. Anyway we’ll try going to her real doctor. We just hope that doctor-patient confidentiality applies here as well since she’s also the OB of both of our moms.

Got to drive the trooper though, now that was fun. I felt like the queen of the road! Lahat ng sasakyan ba naman umiiwas sa iyo e indi ka pa ba matuwa nun? Now I’m wanting an SUV of my own. I still want an eclipse as my reguluar day car though. Hahaha yep, I’m a dreamer or haven’t you noticed yet?

****
Finally got to watch HP3 over the weekend. Not with LX though. I had to watch it alone. How much more pathetic can my social life get?

****
Decided to take a much needed hiatus from mooning over that someone that will never again be mine ever.

I have decided that I am going on leave from dating-dating until the end of the semester. With the workload I have from work and school I don’t even think I’ll have time to hang-out with my friends or chill with the peeps from the office properly. Practice-dating is encouraged eventually, should I find myself with time and extra energy and in line with this I might be practicing defensive dating just to be sure things don’t get screwed up. I think I need some time off from guys screwing me up. I don’t think I can take another dead relationship this year. That just might kill the sunshine-girl altogether. Yep, I’m wearing my jaded lenses again.

Sometimes I could be like Break-up Babe and just do defensive dating all the time. Just get up and get going on and on and on to one boy after another until I’m ok though most people would say that would be called rebound special. I call it self-therapy. To each his own of course. God help me, I’ve turned into an ex. So sue me. I feel like delight morphing into delirium ala Neil Gaiman and God knows I’m one of the most resistant people when it comes to changes when I’m not ready.

One quote that particularly struck me about falling in love was this:

“that love drug, it's heavy sh*t. It takes you higher and drags you lower than anything else. And when you're comin' down off that baby, you gotta pump yourself full of all kind of other pharmaceuticals just to survive.”

How true. Sad, but extremely true.

D-DAY

2004-06-12T01:04:00.000+08:00

Suffice to say that no we did not see each other.

****
Tomorrow we and make sure if it is what we think it is but are still hoping isn't.

****
Doesn't look like another HP3 weekend but we'll see. I've given up on watching it with LX.

Ang sa kin lang, if ayaw nya manood bat indi na lang nya sabihin di ba? at kung ayaw na niya maging friends, it's fine with me. All I'm asking for is to know what he wants and where he stands. Sayang lang kasi I thought we would have made really good friends.

****
Trying to revive the sunshine-girl. We'll see.

CLEARING OUT

2004-06-11T05:02:00.000+08:00

Meeting up with Düde later at starbucks to return some of his books. Yup, first time to see each other since the breakup. He’ll be lending me more Sandman’s and I’ll be giving back some of his critical analysis textbooks. I’m happy and I’m sad and a whole bunch of other emotions I can’t really put my finger on right now. Of course I want to see him, I’m just not sure if I’m ready yet. He sounded really good on the phone though.

I miss hearing his voice. I miss him full stop.

When ex-couples return things to each other there seems to be some sort of finality in the act of that. Of cleaning things out, letting go and saying goodbye and knowing that you have to move on already. You then have fewer and fewer reminders of each other until it becomes nothing but a long lost memory of a gone and forgotten love.

I hope that we both make it through this ok. He’s someone I would love to have a friendship-versary with if he'd let me.

THE OCT 17 FRIENDSHIP-VERSARY

2004-06-09T01:47:00.000+08:00

Also known as how my ex-lover Hunny and I resolve to stay friends no matter what and to show everyone else in the world that yes, old lovers can be friends. For those who have not gotten through with my archives and are thus unaware of out history, I was set up with Hunny when I was still in college but unfortunately but in hindsight maybe it was fortunate, things didn’t work out between us however we were more or less on-again-off-again more-than-just-friends-but-never-officially-a-couple-lovers for the better part of the last 5 years (excluding the time that I was preggers, had a real boyfriend-that was Düde, or caught him making me a mistress-lady-in-waiting-meantime-girl, unawares). Otherwise known also as the great time of stupidity. But I digress, the reason for this post is to show you dear reader, as well as all my friends who wanted to hit me with a frying pan because I couldn’t let go and move on before that, 1) I have let go and have realized that yes you were right, things would never have worked out with him and 2) Old lovers can be friends after all, when both parties have let go and been able to forgive each other and themselves for all the hurt and have accepted that the past cannot be relived anymore. I think its after then that the true friendship comes in, especially because you’ve already been through some things together that you feel comfortable being the real you, which is the best type of friend you can have. In short, let the bad blood go. I’m not saying that you should forget the bad things that have happened but you shouldn’t dwell on it and always, always, always remember the good memories.

Here is today’s inspiring thumb conversation.

Hunny: Musta na?
Wytchgurl: Not too good. My ex doesn’t seem to miss me the way I do him and sweety might be in a little bit of trouble with double lines. Not the best start for a week. Howru?
Hunny: I mis u hun. i just thot of u wen i woke up. i hav lotsa fears abt focusin 2 much on one person, i had 2 recall people who matter 2 me. ur name came up at d instant i thot abt it. Mis u heaps.
Wytchgurl: aw that’s sweet hunü and here i was gtng al sad and mopey. lols. u gave me some badly needed sunshineü dnt b afraid 2 love someone with al of u hun. its a wonderful thing 2 love and b lovd wth al of ur heartü il always b here if u need me hun.
Hunny: I know ul b der. it’s so com4ting 2 know. Ive known u 4 5 yrs now, and wth or without sum 1 n u’ve always been there. Ive been thinking abt that n u l8ly. **
Wytchgurl: 5 years na nga pala no! ang galing! ü i propose we take 1 day a yeat to celebrate our friendship. watutink?
Hunny: Cge, 1 memorable day in a yr. Pero dapat we’ll get 2gether more than once in a yrü i mis spendin tym n bein with u.
Wytchgurl: Oo naman no, wala naman ako sa states e!
Hunny: Onga. Hay, namis kta sobra hun. Kaw lang ang hun huggybear ko!
Wytchgurl: oo nga ako lang ang hun hugabear mo ha!ü namis ko na din kaw, uy ano gsto mo frndshp anniv d8 natin?ü
Hunny: Hmmm. Ano kaya ok?
Wytchgurl: How abt we share? u pik d month and il pik d d8? sbhn mo lang wat d8 ayaw mo. ang bawal kng month feb, may and aug. Game!
Hunny: Hmmm. Sept?
Wytchgurl: k lang pero d ba bday month mo yun?
Hunny: Hmmm. Cge oct na langü
Wytchgurl: Cge, 17 ok lang?
Hunny: 17 wil doü yippee!
Wytchgurl: ikaw bahala mag plan for this year. don’t wori abt d cost, we can share that. Ang requirement ko lang is make it specialy fun and memorableü
Hunny: memorable is gudü
Wytchgurl: dapat lang memorable kasi 1st celebration yan for 5 years of friendship!

** this is where I got thrown off since half of the voices in my head were telling me very sternly not to bite that lead if I could because given our history, we know exactly where that will lead and half of them were cheering not because I was hoping we were gonna get back together or anything but because it’s nice to be recognized for all your efforts in trying to be a good friend and because of that, I forgot under which obscure letter of the alphabet I put Hunny under (which he still is by the way) and almost sent it to the Ex instead.

The voices in my head are doing a Whitney Houston chorus of ” Indayyyyy weeel always love youuuuhuuuhhhoohhh.” but the more apt song would be this:

Letting Go
Natalie Bonelli

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that sets me free
Now how can I find peace of mind
When you keep coming back again
It's not OK for you to play
This game of see-saw with my head

Now it hurts too much
And it hits too hard
And I won't play this part

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes it's better letting go this way
I'll always know down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I've given all I had to give
And now it's time for me to live

And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though it hurts like hell
Someday I will forget

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe
To say that you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it's just the drink in you
It's funny how we seem to end up here
I never thought I'd see this soul disappear
Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

And this is letting go
This is letting go
And this is letting go
This is letting go

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
To say that you've been thinkin'
Cause I know it's just the drink in you

****
Songs for my loved ones again today. I’m getting weepy now after reading my soulsissy’s note on the last blog and I miss Düde so here goes. (don’t wori malapit na ako maubusan ng kanta…)

The voices in my head sing to Düde that lovely song of Edwin Mccain:

I'll Be

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be loves suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be loves suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

And I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the thing that you said
And I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be loves suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be loves suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life

****
And for my soulsissy, my bestbuddy, the sister I never had and the most wonderfully amazingly spectacular friend anyone could ever ask for. It’s my turn now sweety. I love you. (o wag ka iiyak pag nabasa mo to, it’s not good for you!)

Count On Me

Count on me through thick and thin
A friendship that will never end
When you are weak, I will be strong
Helping you to carry on
Call on me, I will be there
Don't be afraid
Please believe me when I say
Count on...

I can see it's hurting you
I can feel your pain
It's hard to see the sunshine through the rain
I know sometimes it seems as if it’s never gonna end
But you'll get through it
Just don't give in cause you can...

Count on me through thick and thin
A friendship that will never end
When you are weak I will be strong
Helping you to carry on
Call on me I will be there
Don't be afraid
Please believe me when I say
Count on....
You can count on me, oh yes you can,
I know sometimes it seems as if
We're standing all alone
But we'll get through it
Cause love won't let us fall

Count on me through thick and thin and I’ll be there
A friendship that would never end
When you are weak
I will be strong
Helping you to carry on
Call on me I will be there
Don't be afraid
Please believe me when I say count on
Yes, you can count on me

There's a place inside of all of us
Where our faith in love begins
You should reach to find the truth in love
The answers there within,
I know that life can make you feel
It's much harder than it really is
But we'll get through it
Just don't give in...

Count on me through thick and thin
A friendship that would never end
When you are weak
I will be strong
Helping you to carry on
Call on me I will be there
Don't be afraid
Please believe me when I say
Count on
Count on
Count on
Count on
Count on
Count on
Count on me...
Ohh yes you can
Count on me

****
For those happily in their love-bubbles just to show I’m not as jaded as I want people to think I am:

how do you know that what you're feeling is love?

“when the person you're with stands by you, even when you think you're sometimes not worth the time and trouble. you both want it to last forever, and you make sure in the end it's all worth it.”

I think it came from a TV show, but I’m not sure and I don’t know whose blog I saw it on…sorry.

PLEASE LET IT NOT BE THIS...

2004-06-08T04:07:00.000+08:00

Let it not be this, please. Spare her, from having to go through this now because I don't want her to go through this, not yet, not like this. She deserves more than this. Though, something tells me that no matter how much we hope and plead it will not be what we ask... And all I can do is cry, and cry and cry some more and hope that it is not...

****
It is times like this that I miss him the most. When I feel like my whole world is precariously tilting on the edge of reason and sanity that I wish that he were beside me, holding me close, telling me that things will work out all right no matter what...that all of us will come out of this ok...

I miss you Düde. God, I wish I could talk to you right now. I wish you were here with me, holding me close, wiping my tears away, telling me things will be ok somehow, eventually... but you are not. And I doubt you would want it any other way. Sayang lang, kasi ngayon kita sobrang kailangan...alam ko naman kakayanin kahit wala ka, pero gusto ko sana kasama kita sa panahong ganito, kahit moral support lang, bilang isang kaibigan man lang...

I GIVE UP!...for the meantime figure it out if you can...

2004-06-07T22:19:00.000+08:00

I cannot understand why my blog wont post all all the links properly. Here is who should be on the list aside from those from soulsissy to dara:

LouAnne, Claire, Marj, Cher, Cha, Cat, Pam, Ayen, Billybob, Trish, Deslite, Asphaire, kablog, Markie, Amgine, Justin, Denise, Brew and Romi.

And there on the right is what is coming out. Half fixed and half broken links. Go freaking figure...It's the same format and all but why is it limiting the number of links I can make when friendship and I have the same template and she has all her links fixed? I wrote to blogger and support and the guy there said that I should probably check my template to see what's limiting the space for my links however they cannot do personalized html assistance. Well go figure, I KNEW that even before I wrote him, dammit... and it keeps showing me tag is broken signals but if you put it in a browser the links work. Damn it, damn it, damn it!

If anyone there figures out how I can get this fixed I'll treat you out to coffee and dessert. Takers anyone?

THE NOT-HARRY POTTER WEEKEND

2004-06-05T00:06:00.000+08:00

was supposed to watch hp3 with LX this weekend however he says "I'll be coming from work" Of course as we watched LOTR3 together last January and he had to come from work and go back after My initial thought went along the lines of "and so?..." Apparently though he'll be coming from an on site project in pampanga. Bad trip lang kasi my car is again inoperable due to a leaking clutch that makes the car glide at the most inappropriate moments and roll back on hangings, no more car for the meantime and all the mechanics are currently abroad!!! wahhh, bad trip and no LX does not seem to want to resched. E d wag. Bahala ka na nga sa buhay mo. I don't understand why he suddenly got cold all of a sudden actually, maybe hewell maybe things will get better and then again, maybe they won't.

****
Hugs to Sister-in-stupidity-Sigay! I'm glad you guys are on speaking terms. Sayang lang kasi yung friendship ninyo at least friends na di ba? And yes, we are better off without those uhm people?, if you can refer to them as that, in our lives and in our kids lives, kaya bayaan mo lang sila. They can spend the rest of their pathetic, little, so-called lives trying to ruin our names and reputations but they will inevitably end up creating more damage to themselves in the process. So let's give them fun while they can have it, because it will not last forever, and they will get theirs eventually, and when that day comes, (damn it, I cannot WAIT for that day wahahaha!) we will laugh and gloat and watch with satisfied smiles on our faces when we see them get what's coming to them.

insert evil satisfied laugh here :)

We are not a vengeful group usually, but we draw the line when people intentionally try and hurt us and ruin our lives long after we’ve terminated our association, because they have nothing better to do as they have no-lives. DO NOT MESS WITH US! We bide our time and we wait, and we will strike back at you, when you least expect it. BE AFRAID. BE VERY, VERY AFRAID. The manyaks are back and we are better prepared this time. Be careful, because we know better now and we can ruin you in ways you cannot imagine if you do not leave us be.

****
School starts next week. I am so excited to go and buy notebooks and pens and stuff. Haha. Ang babaw ng kaligayahan ko talaga. Sana may cutie-crushable sa class. Para naman ma-inspire akong pumasok if the teacher sucks :)

MEMORY AND THE PAIN OF REMEMBERING AND REMINISCING

2004-06-04T21:46:00.000+08:00

**WARNING: ANOTHER LONG POST

The Sound of One Heart Breaking
by Karen Kunawicz

Ever come across this zen koan that JD Salinger used in one of his books?
You know, the one that asks what is the sound of one hand clapping. I don't know the answer to that one. But ask me what's the sound of one heart breaking and I might have an answer. Welcome to the dark side of love.
It is the sound of someone curled up in a tiny ball crying softly in the night, the sound of the first unwanted teardrop touching your skin, its the sound of a telephone that doesn't ring, the sound of regret pounding inside your brain with every heartbeat, it's the whispers of the toy animals he gave you.

It's the shuffling of feet walking away from you, the sound of your soul shattering into a million pieces at recognizing the word "goodbye", it's the soundtrack of memories torturing you, it's the sound of feeble hands trying to push back the obstinate hands of time, it's the sound of a cherub's dying breath, the sound of all those years disappearing in the vortex of Cupid's kitchen sink, it's the unrelenting, plaintive baby meows of an abandoned kitten outside an ignoring door.

It's the sound of the rain that doesn't ever stop, the sound of all the doors in the world shutting and closing in your face at the same time, of raging, howling storms in the night when there's no one there to hold you, the sound of your voice as it screams back at you, the echo of "I love you" burning holes in you, the sound your heart makes as it tells you to lie still because nothing you will ever do will matter without love.

The sound of the waves at the polluted beach you went to as it moves from the shore and crashes inside your mind, of the sniffles that make up your pathetic "SOS-to-the-world," the cracking of the brittle black-red petals from the sidewalk vendor roses he gave, the sound of the music he used to make going to your gut.
The sound of things in your room being thrown around and landing on the floor, the caress of sharpened kitchen knives on skin, the sound your throat akes as you swallow your saltiest tear. It's the sound of your own voice calling out to someone who isn't there, of winged creatures dying and falling on a city pavement, of terms of endearment used a hundred times a day struggling to crawl into the vacuum of forgetfulness, it's the sound of your own sobs keeping you company, it's the cold, uncaring stillness of the air you share your space with.

Destruction isn't always as noisy as bombs exploding. Sometimes the ultimate catastrophes are as quiet as a feather falling on the floor of a Zen monastery. No one else can really hear your heart breaking except you.

I got this from Trish’s blog. Yup, full throttle back in broken-hearted mood. Crap.

****
“The past is a deadly trap. To remember the past is to remember intense pain, and to regret deeply.”

I’m not sure from whose blog I saw this but if you see it I didn’t mean to not give correct credit. Let me know so I can properly acknowledge this wonderful line. :) I was blog hopping the other day when I came across that and several other wonderful lines from other people’s blogs all about memory and letting go. I find comfort in their lines and in the knowledge that I can share my grief with others. My only regret’s are in the knowing that the could have been will never be anymore… which leads to the next wonderful quote.

"The color of memory is always blue. For there is always sadness in remembering. Sadness in reminiscing memories that once depressed the heart knowing that it may never be unremembered. Sadness just the same in remembering memories that once overjoyed the soul, knowing that it can only be remembered”

That came from Amgine’s blog originally but that IceWolf/Markie decided to make a post on.

Like Markie, I too cling to memory. It turns me so much into an emotional pendulum, that habit but well, that’s me. I remember the good old days when we felt like we could take on the world, when worries could not penetrate into us even in dreams and the realization that we are not those people anymore and can never be like that ever again, brings me a certain sense of sadness and grief and most of all, longing. Im the type of person who gets nostalgic with a certain scent, a place, even the darn weather can put me into a time space warp to that happy, happy time and so it takes me a while, okay fine, a long, long time to move on and let go since forgetting is obviously out of the picture. In retrospect, it’s not that those times were actually better than now but I remember them in better colors. And every now and then they play like a movie reel in my head. Yes, Markie, I too have the stupid curse of memory with vivid details and additionally for me, nostalgia and longing.

"We reconstruct the past by imposing meaning to it. We do not recall. We reminisce with nostalgia. Romanticizing the past makes it more appealing. Memory is not retrieved. It is re-created according to our terms."

Yup, that sounds just about right to me. If there’s a therapist for this affliction, lemme know. I’d prefer that to going to the funny farm for the people who can’t forget.

****
Cheers for Neruda and his ability to create poems that just feel like wham-bam-splat into us broken hearted ones.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You
Pablo Neruda

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Don’t Go Far Off, Not Even For A Day
Pablo Neruda

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

If You Forget Me
Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists:
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

****
And a song for my him still…

Until I Get Over You
Christina Milian

Woke up today thinking of you
another night that i made my way through
so many dreams still left in my mind
but they can never come true
i press rewind and remember when
i close my eyes and i'm with you again
but in the end i can still feel the pain - every
time i hear your name

The sun won't shine since you went away
seems like the rains falling every day
there's just one heart, where there once
was two
but that's the way it's gotta be,
'til i get over you....

walked through the park, in the evening air
i heard a voice and i thought you were there
i run away but i just can't escape
memories of you everywhere
they say that time will dry the tears
but true love burns for a thousand years
give my tomorrows for one yesterday
just to know i could have you here

The sun won't shine since you went away
seems like the rains falling every day
there's just one heart, where there once
was two
but that's the way it's gotta be,
'til i get over you....

when will this river of tears stop fallin'
where can i run so i won't feel alone
can't walk away when the pain keeps calling
i just gotta take it from here on my own
but it's so hard to let go

The sun won't shine since you went away
seems like the rains falling every day
there's just one heart, where there once
was two
but that's the way it's gotta be,
'til i get over you....

that's the way it's gotta be until i get over you

'til i get over you

****
On the war against registration frontline, I am happy to say I AM FINISHED!!!! All 9 units crs’d :) Bulok nga lang ang registration system ng educ kasi pabalik balik ka ng walang katuturan. Gawd. I miss CHE and the way our advisers took such good care of us. They would make sure that we had a course plan for the year and make sure that we had classes that would allow us to not flunk that semester. They would actually check our classcards to see if we really did pass and make sure we took prerequisites and knew when seasonal classes were. Ay, the good old days, were did you go?...

And speaking of classcards I got a 1.25 and a 1.5 for the creative writing and reading psych classes I took last sem! Hurray! I just wish that the other teachers would finish up with our grades, like those unnameables who had us a year ago and still have not finished computing grades..

THE ETYMOLOGY OF PALANGGA

2004-06-04T04:58:00.000+08:00

A thumb conversation on the etymology of Palangga

Wytchgurl: Minamahal kong ***** (insert name here), na on mo na po ba ang blogger ko? :)
Minamahal: Wala pa po palangga ko.
Wytchgurl: Palangga?! Kaya mo ako tawagin na palangga e! Aayain pa naman sana kita lumabas pero dahil palangga lang pala ako…
Minamahal: E alam mo ba kung ano ibig sabihin nun?
Wytchgurl: oo, yung maliit na batcha! **with a lot of indignation in typing, lols**
Minamahal : Indi, mali ka dun.
Wytchgurl: Ha? E ano ba ibig sabihin ng palangga?
Minamahal: Ganito na lang ask Official Office Kuya or Mommy Buntis. k Palangga.

~ Wytchgurl of kors SMS’d the Official Kuya
Wytchgurl: uy ano ibig sabihin ng palangga?
Official Office Kuya: sino tumawag sa iyo nyan? C Minamahal no?
Wytchgurl: oo, e ang alam kong ibig sabihin nun yung maliit na batcha. Mali daw.
Official Office Kuya: it means “my only love”

~And not content with that I also SMS’s Mommy Buntis
Wytchgurl: wat does palangga mean?
Mommy Buntis: the same as pangga. Mahal o minamahal.

~So of course I SMS’d Minamahal back…
Wytchgurl: oist, natouch naman ako dun :)
Minamahal: alam mo na ba ibig sabihin?
Wytchgurl: yup, it means the same daw as pangga. Na pressure tuloy ako humanap din ng lambing name mo!
Minamahal: ganyan ka naman e. tsk, tsk.
Wytchgurl: well, I usually play around with the names like in my old office, cae became caepot and jam became jamimya. I like giving people nicknames, it’s a sign of my affection. Di mo ba naririnig kami ni steph, we call each other friendship? Wat do you want to be called ba?
Minamahal: Okay. At least u wil play arnd wid names lang. di filings ng guys. I pref to b cld Bug C.
Wytchgurl: Okay Bugsy. Bakit Bugsy? I never intentionally played with someone’s feelings ha! Flirt ako pero indi ako cruel.
Minamahal: It’s Bug C. basta.
Wytchgurl: Bug C it is then. Blogger ko ha.
Minamahal: Okay palangga ko.

I know what you’re thinking. No, it’s not anything serious, just lambingan between two people. It started off because when I first started working for the company, my email and net was down, so I sent him an email asking for help and since he was not the warmest of people to me at the time, I decided to try breaking the ice with an e-mail saying:

Minamahal kong *****,

I cannot send e-mail out and I have no surfing ability. Bossing needs it to be fixed as soon as possible please. Thanks.

Ang nagmamahal,
Wytchgurl

And ever since then it’s been a term of endearment for me to send him e-mails like that when I need help with my comp. :) For you with fast forwading minds, no it’s not gonna be anything more than an office sweetness as he is attached, and I don’t date attached males anymore EVER, nor would I want to repeat the fiasco of dating someone from the same office. In short, friendships lambingan lang kami for ever and ever and always. Lols.

Attention BUG C!

2004-06-03T05:21:00.000+08:00

Palangga is angry. VERY ANGRY

I AM...

2004-06-03T04:55:00.000+08:00

Death, the second of The Endless, you are
responsible for ending all lives and taking
them to your realm, from which no one ever
returns. You are bright, positive, happy,
optimistic and enjoy everything about life, but
that does not mean your silly or stupid. You
can lay the smack down when you have to!
Everyone loves you, and they don't know why.

Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I LOVE Neil Gaiman.

really now?

2004-06-03T01:14:00.000+08:00

J	Joyous
A	Astounding
E	Eccentric
L	Luscious

I	Important
N	Normal
G	Gentle
R	Radical
I	Intelligent
D	Delightful

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

saw this on a couple of other blogs so i decided to try out. most of it seems correct (nyak magdala daw ba ng sariling bangko?!) however, if it's one thing i'm NOT it's normal.

For gosh sakes NORMAL!?!?! how utterly boring.

"If you don't have enough madness in you go and rehabilitate yourself." RUMI

Wonderful quote from Lowee's site regarding normalacy. We are all autistic in one way or another.

here's to my little pity party...

2004-05-31T10:58:00.000+08:00

my apologies for not being able to update sooner but my "minamahal na ariel" (lols)seems to have forgotten to turn it on after he promised to let me have my therapy. wa epek ata ang mga text at email ng "nagmamahal-na-iniwanan-naman-ng-kanayang-mahal-na-pangga". hehe.

anyway, i might not be in school this semester if i don't get any good classes. i might just take another part time job or tutor or something. god i need money. my bills are piling up again and i just want to zero them out without interest. leche i hate being poor. plus buwisit yung landlady namin na gusto ipagamit yung room namin sa niece niya. crap, ayoko ng lipat ng lipat ng bahay e!!!! gawd, options are to move in with "N" (as in never in this lifetime magiging kami kaya huwag na siyang umasa pa argh.) to share rent. nyarks.

****
im still currently writing the post on the summer of goodbyes... i had to say goodbye to the "ex" and the "ex-lover". yup for my friends out there i think i deserve a round of applause for now categorizing him as the "ex-lover"! yay, yay, hurray for me! (i said goodbye even before i found out he had a new gf! ang galing galing ko din!) after 4 years, i learned that you can only hope and wait for so long before your heart gives up and says goodbye. like i told the ex, i dont think you can completely have closure, but i have also just discovered that you do have the choice to move on and realize eventually that although you love that person still in some ways, you don't see yourself spending the rest of your life with him because in the end you accept the inevitable (that everyone has been telling you since the beginning of this insert-term-here love-affair-schmove-affair)) that you fell in love with the him that you're mind created and not the him that he really is in his entirety. but that's something for the next post to discuss about more...

****
minamahal kong ariel, please lang paki on na po ang blogger ko! what do i have to do to get you to turn the damn thing on? i've tried flirting, i've tried being malambing, i have sent coutnless texts and emails and he keeps promising to do but where is it? hay, eto na naman ang mga lalake... i draw the line at having an office affair ha! i've tried that and I WILL NEVER, EVER AGAIN DATE SOMEONE IN THE SAME OFFICE!

****
oh yes and i now have a gmail account! whoppe doo, i can now delete some of the other accounts i have :) at least.

****
father's day is coming up and as it has every year since i got pregnant been a source of extreme stress for me. this year, i plan on writing a father's day special for that-idiot-who-got-me-pregnant-and-refused-to-acknowledge-shithead-who-shall-forever-remain-a-nameless-face-and-faceless-name and publish it. well, sana i can get to publish it somehow... cross fingers here.

****
if any of you have suggestions on how i can bribe Ariel to get my blogger back up without having to resort to you know what's, suggestions are welcome.

****
incidentally, to make sure i don't mistext any of the exables of the summer, i have renamed them in phone book to obscure letters of the alphabet. now, if i just wasn't the sentimental schmuck that i am, i'd be able to erase their messages. i have begun to earse some, pero ang dami ko pa din indi makuhang tanggalin.

****
i miss my friends. i need to get out again. im tired of the princess-in-the-tower routine i have imposed on myself since he left.

****
to the people i have advised i will add, i will update the links soon promise!

****
to the people who like me ended up with broken hearts this summer, all who have asked as of today will get one free copy of the lurvshit cd that i will be making. here's to us and our broken hearts and to hopefully be able to move to the next chapter of moving on and forgetting...

More On The Chapters of Pain and Remembering

2004-05-03T10:28:00.000+08:00

MONDAY
I’ve spoken to a lot of people and for the most part they’ve said that his reason for breaking up with me was BS. That he was just too chicken to tell me that we made a mistake in being together. And these have been from some people who are not really close to me. The most popular concensus has been that he just didn’t want to have a relationship anymore and just didn’t want to hurt me more (like that was possible with what he did…) so he just gave the standard lame excuse guys give when they want out. Only two people have expressed that they understood his point and were happy about the fact that he wants to make a better person of himself. They said I should wait and hope that he does come back. If he even does want to come back at all. I wish he’d just have said it that he didn’t want so I wouldn’t hope kahit konti. And in a way it’s comforting and in a way it’s not. Because maybe, just maybe he did tell me the truth. I am reserving judgement until such time that the haze of pain has lifted and I can think more rationally.

What I’d really like to know at this point is the real reason he left. I think I’m entitled to the truth at the very least. I deserve that. I’ve been lied to and cheated on enough times already. And he said he wanted to make up for all the shit that I’d been through already. I never expected that he would add to them and include himself in the list that of guys that I should not date or fall in love with.God knows at this point I should supposedly be able to tell when guys are leading me on. Sometimes I wish that there had been another person to cause the break up. Because it’s so much more easier to move on when you have a reason to hate and be angry at the other person. It just hurts that he couldn’t even tell me the truth. I really, really thought that he loved me.

I found an envelope at the office today full of little pieces of paper I’d write his texts on. And his words tore into my heart and my soul. And my mind has constantly been doing reruns and flashbacks of the times we were together. I see us just sitting and talking, dancing under the moon, dinners we shared, conversations we had about someday and what if and all that we wanted with it.

What happened to the man I fell in love with and loved with all my heart?

****
The last I love you:i love u pangga
23-Apr-2004
23:15

How true was this ever?

I know it’s pathetic of me to even have asked that. On the day he left me I asked him for one last I love you, to tide me onto the long and lonely days and nights without him in my life.

I really, really, really loved him. Apparently it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. And it hurts that he only found that out when I really loved him already.

Sana nung simula pa lang, naramdaman na nya yun. Para hindi ko na lang sinayang ang pagmamahal ko sa isang taong hindi naman pala akong kayang mahalin.

Out of Reach
Knew the signs
Wasn't right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Catch myself
From despair
I could drown
If I stay here
Keeping busy everyday
I know I will be OK
But I was
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

So much hurt,
So much pain
Takes a while
To regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time,
You'll be out of my mind
And I'll be over you

But now I'm
So confused,
My heart's bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

Out of reach,
So far
I never had your heart
Out of reach,
Couldn't see
We were never
Meant to be

Out of reach,
So far
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There's a life out there
For me

TUESDAY
I sent Trina an email about what happened and I texted her to check her mailbox. She sent me this:

Trins: Jai, whatever hapend, I beliv mas marami nawala sa kanya kesa sa iyo.

I love my friends. Pero pareho lang naman kaming nawalan ng mahal ko. It doesn’t matter who lost more because the point is that we both lost.
I feel a little bit better today. I did a little exercising to keep my mind of things and to keep busy.

Work seems to be getting better. We got regularized yesterday but there’s no increase in pay. At least may pizza pero nagpakain naman sila kung kalian wala akong kagana gana.

I finished one whole pack yesterday just talking with Budz. She cried when I told her what happened. Na touch ako ulit kasi isa pa iyan bato sa mga lalake e. Sabi kasi niya she hates seeing me hurting so bad. Sabi niya sa kin the one thing she told him was to make sure I didn’t get hurt. Well, I guess there are somethings that cannot be helped. Shikata ga nai. In Japanese literally, it cannot be helped it just must be.

What can I do to get over you? Were I to cut out my hurt would it lessen the pain and the hurting I’m feeling?

****
Hun was checking up yesterday to see if I was doing better

Hunny: howru?
Wytchurl: BAD. Rili BAD hun.

Ayoko magpakaplastic at sabihin na ok lang kasi because I’m NOT OK. I wonder how long it will take before I can feel ok again. I don’t want to be lonely forever…

Lonely
Im sick and tired of seeing couples play
holdings hands in the sun all day.
I love the way that he calls her name,
I see the love that’s flowing through their veins.
Never thought I'd miss love this way,
Until I woke up with a broken heart today. Singin'
Can I get your love back again
Going crazy being your friend.

Girl I'm lonely,
I dont wanna be alone no more
I'm so lonely,
I need someone I can call my own
Girl I'm Lonely,
If there's someone who cares about me,
Im so lonely,
someone to fullfill my needs.

I had a good dream that you came back to me,
I didnt wanna wake to face reality
but I woke up early
Longing for you
I hold my pillow tight thinking that its you
The pain inside me hurts so bad
I just lay back as the time goes pass
singin'
Can i get your love back again
Going crazy being your friend
Girl I'm lonely,
I dont wanna be alone no more
I'm so lonely,
I need someone I can call my own
Girl I'm Lonely,
If there's someone who cares about me,
Im so lonely,
someone to fullfill my needs.

I dont wanna be lonely
I just need someone for me
Sure dont wanna be lonely..

FRIDAY
Well, I’m alive. We should have spent out third month anniversary today had things been different. It’s been a week since he broke up with me. It’s gotten a bit easier. I don’t cry as much as I did the first three days. Although I still get teary eyed a lot, I don’t want to show how much I’m hurting to everyone else. Ayokong problemahin pa nila ako. They have better things to do. I still have to fight the urge to text him kasi saying lang ang piso ko dahil malamang dededmahin lang nya yun and masasaktan din lang naman ako lalo pag indi sya sumagot kasi kahit papaano umaasa ako na he still cares kahit marami na nagsabi sa kin na I should move on at wala nang pagasa na magkakabalikan pa kami dahil sa tingin nila hindi niya ako minahal talaga and I should give my love to someone else who can at least love me back. Lalong mas mahirap labanan na tawagan siya kasi alam kong idrodrop lang naman nya ang tawag ko… Kahit saan ko tignan talo ako. Pag sinagot niya at narinig ko na sobrang ok na siya masakit dahil parang ang bilis naman nya maging ok. Dahil macoconfirm ko talaga na ganun lang pala ang halaga ko at ng mga pinagdaanan naming nung magkasama kami. Pag indi naman niya sinagot, masakit din kasi sobra ko na siya namimiss at gusto ko siyang kamustahin, gusto kong marinig ang boses nya at mayakap siya ulit. Obviously mahal na mahal ko pa din siya. Alam kong indi ko dapat mahalin ang isang taong sinabi na sa kin ng harap harapan na indi nya ako kayang mahalin. Ewan ko naman kung bakit ang hirap kausap ng puso ko. There’s nothing wrong with my brain and understanding of things, it’s just that my heart and brain connection seem to be permanently disabled or something. Sometimes I wish I could stay in my dreamworld, to stay in the hallucinations of a delusional woman in love.

I’m listening to sad songs now. My Playlist has…
Crash Into Me - DMB
Hiram – Twisted Halo
Unang Araw – Sugarfree
Anchor – Boldstar
Hunny’s Tummyache
Unfuck – SunDownMuse
Burned – SunDownMuse
I’ll Be – Edwin Mccain
Sway – Bic Runga
Story of A Girl – Nine Days
Letting Go – Natalie Bonnelli
Didn’t We Love – Tamara Walker
Out Of Reach –Gabrielle
End Of The Line – The Honeyz
I Didn’t Know – Meja
Just Another Girl – Pete Yorn
Someone To Watch Over Me – Gershwin
Lonely – Public Announcement

and the last on my playlist is

Let Me Be The One

Somebody told me you were leavin'
I didn't know
Somebody told me you're unhappy
But it doesn't show
Somebody told me that you don't want me no more
So you're walkin' out the door

Nobody told me you've been cryin'
Every night
Nobody told me you'd been dyin'
But didn't want to fight
Nobody told me that you fell out of love from me
So I'm settin' you free

Let me be the one to break it up
So you won't have to make excuses
We don't need to find a set up where
Someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true
But has now become a lie
So I'm tellin' you I love you one last time
And goodbye

Somebody told me you still loved me
Don't know why
Nobody told me that you only
Needed time to fly
Somebody told me that you want to come back when
Our love is true again

Let me be the one to break it up
So you won't have to make excuses
We don't need to find a set up where
Someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true
But has now become a lie
So I'm tellin' you I love you one last time
And goodbye

Just turn around and walk away
You don't have to live like this
If you love me still then stay
Don't keep me waiting for that final kiss
We can work together through this test
Or we can work through it apart
I just need to get this off my chest
That you will always have my heart

No snickers bar for me for now. Not until I feel like I’m ok. It’s a reminder of how bad I failed and what I lost because of that.

I was trying to fix my funky office email and I came across my old signatures, the following seemed appropriate for the situation:

You know before you know, of course. Instead of starting with once upon a time it starts with it was over before it even began…

I must leave myself just enough of it to keep it burning, let it continue hurting me just enough so that I never forget it's there. I don't want the wound to keep bleeding, but I need to keep the scar.

There are times when we must sink to the bottom of our misery to understand truth.

****
It’s funny because I just realized that it seems I always fall in love and get hurt during election years. It was an election year three years ago, I fell in love with Hunny, it didn’t work out so I rebounded on the next available guy and then I got preggers. Now three years later I listen to my heart again and WHAM. Here I am now. Hurting again. In a more intense manner. So much for being older and wiser.

Oh God I miss him so much. And that is the glaring truth as much as I’d like to deny it. And then I have to go and remind myself that he doesn’t love me back and won’t ever in this lifetime. So in short sinasayang ko lang ang pagmamahal ko sa wala. I need an extra large bandage for my heart and I need it fast. Does anyone know where I can get one please?

Dude and Pangga Feb 1, 2004 - Apr 23, 2004 - Too good to be True.

2004-04-26T12:39:00.000+08:00

These are going to be part of the Break-up Diaries Chapters in Pain and Remembering. So if you don't want to read about mush and shit I suggest come back in a month, hopefully I'll be able to write about other things by then...

Mag-isa na naman ako. I thought that I had finally found the person who would I would be able to spend the rest of my life with. Mali pala. This is what I get for listening to my heart, taking a risk and believing in things I have learned long ago not to believe in anymore. I will never have the chance to fall asleep in his arms anymore or drown in the feelings of the kisses only he can give me. We won'thave anymore talks over dinner and coffee about nothing and everything. There won't be anyone to make sure that I'm fed and watered when my mom's not with me. I won't have anyone to think about or talk to in the middle of the night. I won't have anyone's hand to hold or body to hug in the special way that people who have a soul connection can.

"I was wrong. I thought I loved you and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you but I don't anymore. Sorry."

That's not exactly how he said it but that's the essence of what he said. He said he wasn't ready and that he needed time. That how he is now would not be good for me or my son. Hindi ko kayang labanan yung point na yun kasi kung ayaw nya akong kasama sa buhay nya e bat ko na naman siya pipilitin? Baliw ko naman yun kung iask ko yung isang tao na mag stay kung nakalabas na siya at naisara na niya ang lahat ng pintuan di ba? Pero ano nangyari sa pagmamahal niya sa kin? Ganun lang ba kaya yun kabilis mawala? Hindi ba nya ko talaga minahal tulad ng sinabi nya at inakala ko?

We had so many dreams. Dinners at a hotel, out-of-town gimmicks, beaches and the wedding that had children and happily ever after in them. I saw myself gtowing old with him on a swing. I imagined what it would be like to be pregnant with his children and having him see their birth and raising them from the beginning as he would not have had a chance to do with tygy. But he doesn't want that. He wants to go and I cannot stop him. I asked him to stay but he wouldn't and he said no. He said he'd be no use to me like this. Ang masagwa dito naiintindihan ko siya. Kasi he does it to become a better person at para naman hindi ko siya mahal kung pipigalan ko yun? I just wish there was a way that he could become better with me instead of alone pero i guess somethings you just have to do by yourself.

I miss him so much. At mahal na mahal ko pa din siya kahit sinaktan niya ako

Sabi naman ng iba kong mga kaibigan he has a history of pushing people away when they get too close. Na siguro he pulled the usual things that drove other people away and it apparently didn't scare me so iiwanan na lang niya ako under the guise of making himself better. Another theory is that he has a history of lying and maybe our whole relationship was a lie. That one I don't particularly want to beleive but right now I really don't know what to believe in anymore. Sabi nga ng isa kong officemate "your relationship started on a lie and most probably it will end on one." Sabi nila there's no reason why you can't grow together but apprantly for him there is. Sabi nung iba kong friends parang napaka egotistic and selfish nya to do that but I can see his point. Yung ang nakakainis. I can understand. And it sucks. I wish I didn't but I do

Nanghihinayang lang ako kasi he just decided to leave without giving US the chance to make it work. Eto na naman ako. Parati na lang akong naiiwanan at nasasaktan. Parati na lang akong indi nabibigyan ng oportunidad na ipakita kung ano ang kayang ibigay ng pagmamahal ko.

It feels like God is playing puzzles in my life again. He gives you a piece and when you think its fits and works he suddenly tells you "oops, wrong one". Naalala ko sabi nya sa kin nung nakipaghiwalay siya na hindi fair na iaasa sa isang tao ang mga pangarap mo. Sabi ko hindi ganun yun. It's like when you're making a tapestry and then someone pulls a thread out. It may look the same but it's not. And you have to rip it all out and make another one. For someone like me who find it hard to dream about not being alone and happily ever after and all that comes with that, it's so hard tp dream and believe and then have the dream pulled away.

I feel battered and bruised and broken and hurt beyond belief. I keep crying all day. My heart feels like it never wants to do this again. Ever. It feels ruined and weak and it feels like I can't trust it ever again.

And it's true. When he said goodbye I heard the locks of my heart click shut. My heart feels like just locking itself up and changing all the locks and throwing away the key. It feels like it doesn't even want to try to love again. God knows I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But my heart is now a million times scared of getting hurt again that sometimes it feels better to not even try.

Why did I love him so much when he just ended up hurting me? And why do I still love him even now???

Why did his heart tell him to say goodbye to us? Why is it so easy for him to let me go? WHY IS HE NOT HURTING THE WAY I AM????!!!! Did I mean so little to him that letting me go was just one of those things like changing shirts or ties?

I just want to run away, pero sabi nga ni Hun, running away doesn't solve anything. I don't know how to start moving on and forgetting. My house has memories of him. My office has memories of him. Even school. It seems like I can't go anywhere to start over. Everywhere I think of hiding in has something of him to remind me of what we could have had and what it was that I lost. I remember him asking if I regretted what happened. I said no and that's partially true. I do and I don't.

It's a constant struggle not to text him to see how he is and if he's ok. I can usually keep myself occupied with my son but now that he's in school I ahve so many more free and lonely hours to remember. He said he wanted to be friends but I don't know if I can do that just yet. Maybe when I don't hurt so much anymore. When I can get through a whole day without remembering and crying and hurting in my heart. Maybe then I can ba a good enough friend, but not right now. When the wounds are fresh and raw and bleeding I cannot bear to see the one who brought me so much pain. I wish I could be angry at him, but I'm not. I hurt, but I understand what he wants. But at the same time there are so many questions that need answers that I don't think even he has. He told me to hope that someday we would end up together again but right now faith and hope are hard concepts to hold on to. I just wish he could have given me the truth. It would have been so much easier to move on if I had that. I want to remove all traces of him, but I can't no matter how much I want to. I can't remove him on my messenger or my friendster or delete his number and texts and email. yup, that's how patheric I am now.

In the meantime, there is nothing left to do but move on. In babysteps move on and maybe someday when my heart feels ok, hopefully might I find someone to love again and the courage that that risk will need.

I love you, so very very much and I probably always will.